What to Do When Children Feel Jealous

The experience of losing the attention of another can leave children feeling sad, fearful, and even angry. Adults may witness tantrums in little ones, complaining in school-age children, and withdrawal, hostility, and other kinds of jealousy protests in older children.

Jealousy is related to our connections to others, clinically called attachments in psychological theory. When we feel our bond with significant others is disrupted, threatened, or taken away, we become jealous.

Jealousy Spheres

Figure 1 illustrates how jealousy in children can be observed in a number of different areas in their lives.

Figure 1: Jealousy spheres in children

Source: Serani

• Primary Object Jealousy: Jealousy can be observed in babies when another person or aspects in the environment "take away" the caretaking bond.
• Sibling Jealousy: Children become jealous if a new baby or sibling lays claim to the parent or caretaker.
• Peer Jealousy: Children are jealous of their peers who "steal attention" from their parents, teachers, or other friends.
• Possession Jealousy: Materialism takes center stage in this sphere of jealousy. Children want what others have, and feel jealous if they cannot possess it or temporarily have access to it.
• Achievement Jealousy: Children often become jealous of what they cannot do, cannot attain, or cannot become, whether it be personal trait characteristics or achievement in school or sports.

Jealous feelings are normal developmental and emotional experiences in childhood. Jealousy can be a challenge at any age for children, but caregiving adults can help them see jealousy as a signal for self-discovery. It's a moment to help children learn more about their inner world, their needs, and feelings. So when jealousy occurs, look at this as an opportunity to deepen prosocial behavior and self-confidence in your child.

5 Tips for Managing Jealousy

1. Normalize jealousy. Help your child notice and label feelings of jealousy—and reassure them that these feelings are acceptable. Encourage children that feeling jealous is a signal to understand what they're afraid of losing or what they wish they had. Avoid minimizing, rejecting, or ignoring expressions of jealousy. Studies show these negative caregiving patterns create avoidance, anxiety, depression, and poor self-esteem in children.

2. Celebrate uniqueness. Help your child recognize their talents, interests, style, and achievements, be they big or small. Help them understand their singular essence is unlike anyone else's—and how that's a very special thing, even if others may not be acknowledging them at this moment in time. When we encourage children to celebrate what makes them different, they learn self-love and learn to tolerate, and perhaps even admire, others.

3. Avoid comparisons. Be mindful of intentional, and unintentional, statements that highlight comparisons between or among others. If you make a remark about your child or others not measuring up, this creates a negative mindset of feeling inadequate. Research shows while we're genetically wired to compare ourselves and others in society, relying too much on social comparisons instills a poor sense of self and can worsen jealousy in children.

4. Practice gratitude. Help children express thankfulness in who they are and what they have. Gratitude, defined as reflecting on and appreciating what one has in life, significantly reduces jealousy. When children find happiness in their own backyard, they may not need to chase the greener grass on the other side.

5. Reinforce positive behaviors. Learning how to manage and negotiate jealousy is not a quick fix. It will take some time for your child to identify, adjust, and find prosocial ways to offset jealous feelings. Take notice of your child's behavioral changes and cheer them on every step of the way.