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Understanding Twins
Raising Twins to Be Individuals and Trusted Friends
A psychological and practical approach: Part 2.
Posted March 20, 2021 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Treating twins as copies of each other creates interdependence and developmental arrests.
Treating twins as “halves of a whole” or identical copies of one another leads to an interdependency or enmeshment that is deep-seated and hard, if not impossible, to untangle. Twins who do not get enough individual attention will remain entwined and dependent on each other throughout their lives. A longing for childhood closeness and then resentment and disappointment with each other is the hallmark of this shared and dependent relationship. Twinship for entwined twins turns into a rollercoaster ride of longing for closeness, followed by anger, in adolescence and adulthood.
Usually, inadequate or absentee parenting is related to under-involved parents who are overwhelmed financially or emotionally. Alcoholism or physical and mental illness also contribute to this remote and cold or harsh way of raising twins. Such parents allow their twin children to bring up one another, which provides some love and affirmation. However, twins are not fully capable of being a parent to their twin even if they are able to comfort and affirm each other. While twins as parent-figures to one another is better than no attention and complete abandonment, twins cannot replace real parents without creating a hyper-dependence that leads to an extreme inability to make their own decisions. Emotional separation from their twin and an ability to function alone is rarely successful for these overly dependent twins. Because individual development is not encouraged, both children are left unprepared for life on their own.
Don’t treat twins as opposites of each other.
Treating young twins as opposites of one another will lead to serious identity issues for the pair as they grow and mature. For example, one twin is treated as the good child while the other child is treated as the troublemaker—the bad one. Or, one twin is the responsible twin and the other twin the impulsive one who can do whatever they want because they never get in trouble. When one twin is favored or given more privileges over the other twin, then fighting, jealousy, and even estrangement can grow and blossom into unhappiness for both. Actually, favoritism leads to deep anger, rage, loneliness, and, later, estrangement between the pair. In extremely abusive families, these bad-good twins can physically try to harm one another or the bad twin can consider or even act out suicide.
I have been asked countless times why one twin is favored over the other twin. There is no one answer that I can come up with. Perhaps favoritism is related to the different temperaments of each twin and how their parents experience each particular child. For example, a calmer twin may become the caretaker responsible twin, and help out mom and dad with the more defiant twin. The more impulsive twin will be able to push the limits that mom and dad establish. Getting away with whatever they want is totally possible, unfortunately.
When favoritism is cemented into parental reactions to their children, fighting and estrangement are inevitable and intense. What is really interesting is that each twin has a sense of themselves, whether bad or good. Confusion over “who is who” and “who gets what” is much less of an issue than with interdependent identity twins. The problem that emerges is that the bad twin is self-loathing and can be self-destructive. The good twin is narcissistic and feels comfortable taking advantage of situations and never or almost-never accepts what he or she is contributing to a bad situation.
Do not over-parent twins.
A rather new approach to parenting by helicopter parents includes trying to do everything you can to provide the best emotional development and cognitive accomplishments for your twins. This approach does not value intuitive parental decisions. Rather, these parents are living through their children and cannot look closely at individuality.
Respect the power of the twin attachment.
Respect for the individuality of each child must be coupled with sensitivity to the bond that twins share. Favoring individuality over the twin attachment is not realistic. Indeed, ignoring the twin bond can be very harmful for young twins who need to learn how to talk and socialize without their twin. Expecting that twins can easily be independent of one another in infancy through early childhood will put unhealthy and unrealistic pressure on your children. Unhappiness and uncontrolled behavior are seen when a twin misses their co-twin too much. Finding a happy balance is extremely important.
Twin language development is a mirror to the power of the twin bond. Special communication styles are apparent in their reactions to emotional events. Twin language is an issue that is very different than language development in single children. Twins learn to communicate non-verbally in the womb, as babies and throughout life. Often young twins create their own language that parents cannot understand. Learning to talk to non-twins, including their parents, can be challenging if twins have been allowed to rely on each other too frequently.
I have met with many sets of twins who have shared a secret or special language that parents could not understand. Less serious and seen more often is a twin’s need for speech therapy because of too much conversation with their twin and not enough conversation with others. Often left unlabeled and not detected is an inability to speak clearly to others about what is concerning them. This inhibition comes from sharing too much closeness with their twin who does not need a long explanation to pick up what their twin is in need of. As an adult in training to become a psychologist my dearest friend and fellow postdoctoral trainee labeled my speech impediment as a “sentence completion disorder.” This is an accurate way to define the problems that are outgrowths and leftovers from the twin bond and unusual language development.
Conclusions
Never underestimate the profound nature of the twin attachment. By far the twin bond is much stronger than the sibling attachment in depth and intensity. Taken as a whole, longings for closeness and shared experiences frame and structure twins as they grow into adulthood.
Raising twins requires a special understanding of identity development, which is certainly easier than dealing with the aftermath of too much closeness or hidden or blatant parental favoritism.
Language development will reveal twin identity issues and give direction into developing independent and self-reliant children. Doing the best you can or being a good-enough parent will help you live through the stress of raising twins.
