On Your Own

Emotional pain and suffering are very profound as twins separate from one another. The intensity of separation anxiety that comes up throughout twins’ lifetimes is related to the primary and irreplaceable bond that is shared. While the twin bond is not a replacement for the parent-child bond, the twin attachment is a foundation and building block of identity. And so it is understandable that the banishment or absence of twins’ close companionship through a separation at birth or due to illness or death is very disruptive and sometimes even chaotic to the individual twin’s sense of self alone—on their own.

Naturally, twins seek out close others to replace their twin and to try to free themselves from the loneliness they experience with being separate. Unfortunately, twins and triplets often expect too much or give too much to their new twin replacements, who include romantic partners and spouses, children, and serious job commitments. Learning the meaning of “boundaries” for non-twin relationships is a very steep learning curve.

Childhood separations that are well managed by parents and teachers set the stage for each child being able to take separate life paths based on strong ego boundaries that are non-competitive and non-shameful. Adolescence and early adulthood is often a time of seeking out a more individual identity for twins. Searching to be different can create problems and conflicts between twins who can be hyper-critical of their brother’s or sister’s choices. Giving up wanting to be alike creates enormous internal strife and agitation. Rage followed by hurtful words, fighting, and even violence is not unusual at this stage of life. Outside pressure from parents and friends to share the same values amplifies the confusion of psychological and physical separation. Contending with how you are different from your twin is very, very hard to do. The search for the true self and individuality is a life-long journey.

Gradually, very gradually, one experience—the first experience—of being on your own without your twin at your side builds into two experiences, and so on. Real-life demands force twins to separate. Remaining close to your twin and connected only to each other is a choice that twins who have not received enough parenting select. The consequences of separation vary. But there are always consequences. Once alone, twin told me that when her twin was killed in an auto accident, she wanted to freeze in time so her sister would know her when she saw her again. Of course, this was said in a state of shock. But her feelings were so real over the loss of her sister’s presence in her life. Less serious but painful loss of connection between twins varies significantly. Loneliness and longing for the early harmony of twinship are understandable to all twins. Non-twins have difficulty understanding this type of profound loneliness.

Although twin loneliness is commonly misunderstood or ignored in mass media, the reality is that there are countless twins who struggle with missing their twin profoundly. Fighting and actually being estranged from your twin is remarkably common. I have suffered through estrangement and know what it is like to feel lonely and depressed—to feel like something is missing. My own pain was the reason I began studying twin estrangement. My sister and I began fighting after we were married and went our separate ways. We did not talk for more than 20 years. Now our relationship is very strained and limited.

Learning that other twins are suffering from separation-loss experiences that are hard to cope with has made me think deeply about loneliness. In a sense, this type of emptiness is like grief. There is a slight twist because your twin is alive and so there is some hope that your relationship could get better. Still, the loss of closeness is real and the emptiness that is felt is profound. As you age you learn how to cope with being on your own. Enrich and expand your life without your sister or brother and you will feel better about yourself. Find close and nurturing people to share your life with and to love and nurture. Remember the good parts of being a twin while reaching out to live your own life the best you can.