What's Your Conflict Style? Withdraw Or Take A Break?

Staying connected, especially during conflict, can be difficult. Often conflicting emotions are in play and necessitate deliberate mindfulness and discernment in order to choose the action that furthers a loving, secure relationship.

Attachment researcher Sue Johnson ¹ tells us that in order to thrive with our partner, we need to know "our person" has our back and will be there when we need them. This is what we aspire to when we embark on a committed relationship. It gets challenging when an interaction stretches our ability to put the needs of the other or the relationship first.

All couples struggle with this. How do we take those carefully crafted versions of ourselves, honed thru years of decoding what does and doesn't work, what our values and priorities are and the way we express our different lifestyle choices, and "merge" that with another?

This is the dance of changing “my” way onto “our” way.

There are different schools of thought of how much separateness is healthy and necessary to preserve a sense of self and individuate enough to actually form a healthy partnership. But the advances in brain science, our understanding of the human limbic system, and the way our brains are wired, shows us that the rugged individualism and self reliant attitudes purported in Western society are actually emotionally and physically unhealthy for us. ² According to scientist Matthew Lieberman “we are wired to connect.” ³

So what about when emotional buttons are pushed and partners can’t connect? This is where discernment is important because taking some space to preserve the well-being of the relationship can be a hairline away from withdrawing as a protest or form of punishment.

And it takes a cool head and warm heart to know which is which.

These tips can help to take space in a healthy way:

1. Taking space because you feel riled up and know you are losing impulse control is good. Just make sure you tell your partner “I need some space to collect myself; I will be back in xx minutes.” Then be back within those minutes. If you can’t, then check in with your partner and say something like “still working on calming down please give me another xx minutes.”

This last part is important because a partner who relies on connection for soothing will stay less anxious and more able to give you space if they can count on you coming back.

2. Taking space because you realize something deeper, and likely historical, is activated is also good. Here you want to catch the moment while the feelings are intense and do some inner work to identify and begin to heal the original wound. Sometimes you can do this more easily with your partner if the two of you maintain a calm space allowing one to be introspective while the other simply breathes and offers compassion. Saying, “I think something deeper is triggering me. I’d like a few moments to follow my feelings and discover what past event this is triggering”, sets the tone for this. If your partner is able to set aside their concerns for a bit and just be there with you this can be very bonding. If not, gently excuse yourself and say when you will be back as above.

3. This one is trickier: You’re noticing signs that your partner is getting activated and you want to pause so you can both calm down. What is tricky is that it’s a rare person who can be told “calm down” without getting more activated. We get upset for a reason. Emotions inform us of something that doesn’t feel right and motivates us to take action. Some upsets reach so deep that we can go into a “blind rage” responding to a combo of what’s happening now and a similar incident from the past where we were not able to engage in constructive ways.

Perhaps we were young without effective skills, or there was a power imbalance or abuse, or we were just too scared or hurt and froze. Sometimes we act out because this is how conflict was handled growing up and we don’t know any other way. So, it is an act of kindness to take a pause when we see our partner is in turmoil and distress. But this must be done in the kindest way possible without accusing or shaming. If you can’t manage that, it is best to ask for a pause because you are uncomfortable. You can probably expect some reaction to your withdrawing from a partner who is this upset. As intimate partners, we bounce off each other’s emotional states. so offering some connection, a touch or hug or smile or loving words before you take a pause can help co-regulate ⁴ your partner.

The wrong ways to take a break: withdrawing or stonewalling.

Sometimes someone has little to no skill in self management and expression. When they get upset they flood with emotions and reason flies away. When we are oblivious to this, we might deal with our discomfort in ways detrimental to the well being of our relationship. Without the presence mind to responsibly tell the other of our distress, we might blame our partner as a way to gain a (false) sense of control. If I can lay the blame on you, then I remain ok and can use separating from you to feel better. This temporary measure isolates me as well as you, and since the distress is within me I don’t really get rid of it. But in the moment, blaming you and “leaving” even into another room, gives the illusion of control.

Attachment Essential Reads

Anxious Attachment and the Sensitive Emotional Radar

Running to Stand Still: Why We Get Stuck in Inaction

Withdrawing from your partner with an attitude that they are the problem is ultimately punitive and polarizing. It cuts off any chance of each party finding their point of responsibility in the unhappy dance. It also keeps you from the desired closeness you really want and instead builds distrust and erodes safety. There will be times we feel helpless to repair a hurt or misunderstanding but stating this, “honey, I really don’t know how to make this better right now so I need to take a break” is more productive than bombarding your partner with words that imply your upset is all their fault. (In the case of abuse or danger do whatever you need to to stay safe).

So this has been a short dive into how to handle conflict when one or both partners are flooded by conflict. Test out these tips so you can thrive more in your relationship.

Authored by Yana Hoffman RP