Am I in a Toxic Relationship?

Something has gone wrong in your relationship. You had a big fight. She did something surprisingly out-of-character and you are not sure if this is the real person or just an aberration. His moods have been unusually bad lately. These and other events make us wonder if we might have gotten ourselves into a toxic relationship.

Before we go any further, however, it is most important to remember that in order to define a relationship as toxic, there must be a pattern of toxic behavior—not a one-time event, but a pattern. Just because you had a big fight does not mean the relationship has suddenly turned toxic. And just because he's been in a bad mood for several days does not mean that things have taken a turn for the worse. If she's done something out-of-character, it might just be out-of-character.

Toxicity is poison. Poison kills (or at the very least, makes one very sick). So, when we come to define a toxic relationship we look for a pattern that is poisonous—one that makes the relationship sick or even completely dead. Often, the problem is that even though a relationship may be dead, many people will stay in it, bargaining with its reality, hoping that they can resurrect it, only to be constantly eating more poison, which can make the individual sick.

A toxic relationship lives with abuse in some form. Those in a toxic relationship either abuse each other, or one party is abusing the other.

That abuse can be verbal, in which one or both parties call the other names or use language that defines the character of the other as worthless. This kind of abuse is a pattern that erupts frequently during a fight, or it may even happen daily even when there isn’t a fight. Constant and frequent put-downs and criticism of a person’s behavior or character is a form of verbal abuse.

Traversing the Inner Terrain

Source: Andrea Mathews

Emotional abuse consists of using another’s emotions to abuse them. Making fun of, or putting down someone for being “too sensitive” is a form of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is generally meant to excuse one’s own insensitive, deceptive or abusive behavior by accusing the other of being over-sensitive or even "crazy." Giving someone the cold shoulder as a frequent, patterned way of dealing with anger in the relationship is a form of emotional abuse. A pattern of refusing to allow affectionate touch or sex in order to punish someone is a form of emotional abuse. A pattern of isolating you from supportive family and friends so that the abuser can have total dominance over you is emotionally abusive and supports other forms of abuse.

Physical abuse looks like pushing, shoving, pinching, punching, slapping, or otherwise hurting someone physically. There is never a time when any of this behavior is acceptable. The first hit, the first slap, the first shove is a big red flag and should be treated immediately as a sign of further impending danger. Don’t wait for a pattern here to prove toxicity—just get yourself to safety. But if you have stayed and tolerated physical abuse, you can be certain that you are already in a toxic relationship.

Sexual abuse is usually thought of as happening only to children and adolescents, but it can happen in a marriage or partnership as well. If one partner takes away the power of the other partner to consent to sex, this is sexual abuse. Each party in a relationship should have the power to veto sex at any point. If that happens, the other party is to respect the veto and stop trying to have sex. No manipulation, no begging, no physically restraining or physically pushing to have sex. None of that is acceptable after the point one party says “no.” Again, don’t wait for a pattern here to prove toxicity. If you are being raped—just get yourself to safety immediately. But, if you are in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of manipulating, begging, or trying to get you to have sex when you don’t want to, you are in a toxic relationship.

On the other hand, sex is also a natural part of any loving, consenting adult partnership. If you are in a relationship with someone who is consistently refusing to have sex with you, you might need to seek out couples therapy or sex therapy in order to resolve this issue.

Toxic relationships are not meant to be tolerated. The most effective way to get the poison out is to leave the relationship. It may take some effort on your part to do that, given the many bargains the mind wants to make about the reality of a toxic relationship. So, if you find that you are in a toxic relationship but you are not ready to leave yet, taking yourself to therapy and being very honest with the therapist might be the next step.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.