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Because we live in a competitive society where the good/evil complex runs rampant (see my January 2012 post, entitled “The Good-Evil Complex"), much of our interactive machinations are all about the shame/blame game. And it is a game, a psychological game, we play to make sure that we don’t ever have to feel worthless. If you are to blame or if I can shame you, then you can’t blame me and I won’t have to feel shame.
Unfortunately, this game is so commonly used that we don’t really even notice it much until it gets out-of-hand. When children shame children over social media so badly that the victim decides to suicide, we notice it. But we don’t tend to notice it in the everyday interactions with our children, our spouses, our families, and our friends. But it is always there, lurking around in the thoughts, if not the body language, tones of voice, and even the words of our interactions.
And anything is up for grabs, from the way you talk, walk, think, feel, to the way you dress. There’s a shame category for everyone, from nerd to princess. The more a person owns his category, the more he seems to fit it. If, for example, people call him a nerd often enough, and he allows himself to own that, telling others that he is a nerd, the more he will identify as that and act out it’s projected characteristics. But the term nerd is not so bad anymore. In fact, nerds have become the new cool, at least in the adult world—not so sure that works so well for children.
Shame says you are not good enough. You don’t measure up. As if there is some standard written down somewhere about how and who a person should be. To the degree that religions have made up standards by which all people should comply, we tend to add not only shame but blame to the game. One very controversial example: Women should not have abortions—they are bad for doing that, it is evil, and women who do it are to blame. But the very reason that example is controversial is that it doesn’t fit all women. There simply is no one standard that fits all people.
Now, I’m not advocating for anarchy. Certainly, a civil society must have rules to follow. But I am saying that shame and blame do not solve any problems. Shame and blame only make the problems worse. For if I identify with the shame and blame that you put on me then I become that very shame and blame—acting it out in ways that might harm the self or others. If I, rather, hate you for shaming and blaming me—which is a very common response—then we’ve just added more hate to the ever ballooning landscape of hate.
Acceptance and understanding are counter-objectives to shame and blame. You are who you are. Maybe I don’t like some way that you treat me and I certainly need to speak up and draw boundaries around that. This might mean that I try to give you a mirror in which you might see your own behavior and begin to question why you are doing it. Perhaps if you can ever self-reflect enough you might discover your own motivations and be able to steer your life in a different direction. But this doesn’t mean that I would shame or blame you.
My judgement, my shaming and blaming you, is not likely to make you change. In fact, you are likely to become quite defensive to my shaming and blaming. And in that case, we’ve just danced around shame and blame and gotten exactly nowhere.
Other than the way you treat me or others I care about, I need not bother criticizing your behavior at all—for if I do, I’m just demonstrating that your difference from me is intolerable—therefore, showing you my bias.
With regard to those people who consistently lie and cheat and steal and show lack of empathy to others—shaming and blaming them is likely only to make them try harder to push others around. You can certainly hand them a verbal mirror when they mistreat you or others, but these people are less likely to change, because they have already swallowed so much shame that they have arranged their entire life structure around building an image (not an authentic self) that cannot be shamed—at least not in their eyes. Shame has made them who they are. More shame will only make them more of who they are.
Shame and blame are games that everyone loses.
