How to Talk to Kids About the Fires

Source: Photo by RDNE Stock project from Pexels

This post was co-authored by Kaitlin Lord and Jessica L. Borelli

As the wildfires continue to rage across Los Angeles County from Palisades to Eaton, parents both directly and indirectly impacted by the tragedy face the difficult task of discussing the natural disaster with their children. Processing and accepting the devastation of a disaster of such scale is challenging enough for parents to manage themselves, let alone explaining the fires to a child. However, during such times, it’s essential that parents make the time to have these tough conversations. Little eyes and ears are watching the older and wiser people around them for cues on how to feel in this situation, and they need parents to step in and help them make sense of it all. Fortunately, experts have identified ways to make approaching these discussions a bit easier for both parents and children alike (find Dr. Borelli's audiobook on the matter here).

For the thousands of families in Southern California who are currently under evacuation warnings, or have fled or lost their homes, as well as for families across the country who are watching in horror from afar, conversations about the fires are unavoidable. These conversations are uniquely challenging for parents directly impacted by the fires, because they not only involve managing their own stress and emotions, but also the responsibility of helping their children deal with the emotional burden of potentially losing their homes, schools, community centers, and religious worship sites. Before having this conversation, parents must first steady themselves, even just for a moment, before talking to their child. Identifying something that provides momentary reductions in stress – taking a few deep breaths, calling a friend whose voice is comforting, listening to some familiar tunes – can provide a grounding influence before beginning a difficult conversation.

In the midst of the disaster, parents may worry about how much to share about the fires, how their child will cope with the shocking news, and how to provide reassurance while simultaneously navigating their own feelings about the situation. Because of these worries, some parents may feel the desire to keep the severity of news to themselves– to protect their children from sadness, anxiety, stress, and fear. While this may be a normal gut reaction for parents, avoiding these conversations, or downplaying the severity of the situation, can actually be worse for children in the long term.

Children are not able to understand the devastation of natural disasters– the loss of entire neighborhoods, communities, and precious lives– on their own; they do not have the emotional and cognitive abilities to grasp such a reality. They need their parents to understand what it means that their local library is no longer standing, that they may not be able to go home again.

While it is important for parents to be honest about the fires and not shy away from their children’s questions and emotions, experts recommend having short, but frequent conversations when talking about topics related to disaster and death. These conversations can occur on your child’s timeline. You can use your child’s behavior as a guidepost – are they asking questions about the fires or the people affected by them? If so, they are expressing curiosity that you can address in the form of a conversation. On the other hand, do they appear bored or disinterested in the topic when you bring it up? This may be a sign that they are not ready or able to engage at this moment. Developmentally, children may not have the attentional abilities to handle the news about fires all at once. Talks that feel too “big” or “scary” could even lead kids to think these weightier topics, like death, are taboo. While it can be challenging, parents should strive to provide factual information about the fires in small doses.

When you talk to your child, make sure to be clear, concise, and concrete. Don’t mince words about what has happened in an attempt to soften the blow. Like adults, children react better when they know what they’re dealing with. But, unlike adults, children have trouble understanding metaphors (i.e., “we lost our house today” could be interpreted literally, leaving your child looking everywhere for your house and wondering if you will find it). Parents should also consider their children's age and specific developmental needs, as young children, middle-aged children, and adolescents typically react to disasters differently. For example, a young child may wet the bed more often in the aftermath of the fires whereas a teen may engage in more risky behaviors. No matter how your child is struggling, you can help them brainstorm positive coping strategies that worked for them during times of stress in the past, whether that be spending time with their cousins, visiting the beach, or re-reading their favorite book. You can also help your child find mental health services, such as community-based mental health services, for more long-term support.

As the devastating consequences of climate change intensify—from cataclysmic flooding in North Carolina to bouts of extreme cold in Texas, more frequent hurricanes in Florida, and an increased risk of tornadoes across the country—parents must have tough conversations about natural disasters with their children more frequently. Whether or not you are directly impacted by the fires ravaging Southern California, the conversations you have with your children about the fires now will set the precedent for how they understand and cope with natural disasters throughout their lives.