Using a Growth Mindset to Cope With a Narcissistic Boss

Source: August de-Richelieu/Pexels

Do you recall when all the pieces of the puzzle fell together, and you concluded that your boss was narcissistic? The tense interactions now made sense and you saw the signs:

Your boss:

• Plays the hero—takes excessive credit for the success of important projects and diminishes your contribution.
• Plays the victim—blames you when projects falter.
• Overreacts to respectful feedback, yet harshly criticizes you and others.
• Lacks empathy—demands responses to non-urgent emails on your days off and is astonished when you don’t immediately reply.
• Splits you off from your colleagues—reprimands you when you struggle with a difficult assignment while praising others as “star players” or applauds you as a loyal ally while calling out co-workers.

Most bosses act this way on occasion—we are human and imperfect, especially under pressure. But when such behaviors occur repeatedly, you may have evidence of narcissism (Behary, 2021; Behary & Davis, 2015). Much has been written about how to identify narcissists. The identification of narcissism in the workplace is helpful in that it allows you to take needed steps to consult with human resources or to find another job.

But how do you cope until you find another position? What steps can you take when your boss’s actions generate stress and erect roadblocks to doing your job competently?

Growth mindset (GM) theory may illuminate a path. Carol Dweck refers to these narcissistic tendencies as indications of a fixed mindset —the view that you have a certain amount of ability, perhaps high or perhaps low—and there is little you can do to change it.

A fixed mindset (FM) boss aims to show others that they have exceptionally high ability. Mistakes, difficulties, less-than-perfect performance, etc. indicate their ability is low. So the FM boss presents an image of effortless and perfect performance with all that they undertake. Their goal is to gain admiration for their genius—to dazzle others with their supposed brilliance.

Tactics of fixed-mindset bosses

The intensity of this mindset in such bosses may cause you to view your own abilities through the lens of a fixed mindset, inhibiting the evolution of your career. How? Their strategies to bolster their image is to undercut yours—to take credit for your successes, call you out for mistakes, and compare you to others in ways that isolate you from colleagues who may be potential resources or support.

FM boss tactics may cause you to ask, “Am I competent or not?” You begin to worry that you are not, become stressed, pull back from your colleagues and expected challenges, and abandon efforts to progress in your career.

Controlling your own mindset

How do combat a fixed mindset when your boss is an expert in triggering one? Watch for a shift in your emotions and tune in to telltale fixed mindset thoughts and actions:

When your boss takes excessive credit for the team’s success on a key project, FM feels disheartened and whispers, “It’s not worth the effort." You take your foot off the accelerator at work and lose occasions to sharpen your skills.

When your boss ignores or rebuffs your well-thought-out suggestions, FM feels discouraged uttering, “I’m not good enough” and pulls back from generating other ideas for change.

When your boss questions why you didn’t respond immediately to a non-urgent weekend email FM feels uneasy, concluding, “I’m irresponsible” and obsessively checks and responds to all work emails, neglecting personal and/or family priorities.

When your boss lauds your contribution and denigrates your team members, FM gloats, “I’m amazing” situating you above and apart from your team.

The key to doing your job competently while exploring other job options is to maintain a growth mindset in the face of an FM boss.

A growth mindset accepts that although you may start with a certain amount of ability, it may be increased through effort. A growth mindset concedes that bosses have strengths and vulnerabilities. They have a history that shapes their approach to managing others. Their managerial strategies may be a challenge to developing your career. Acknowledge this unfortunate reality until you are able to secure other employment. However, if they cross the line and you feel abused or unsafe seek professional counsel.

Growth Mindset Essential Reads

Six Hidden Forces That Kill Curiosity

Turn Regret Into Purpose Before It’s Too Late

To cope with this difficult boss:

• Identify your fixed mindset thoughts and feelings.
• Resist the fixed mindset goal of proving you're competent and shift to the growth mindset goal of increasing your competence.
• Ask: What specific actions would you take if you held on to a growth mindset?

When your boss is criticizing you, FM says, “I’m incompetent” or “How dare they? I'm superior." GM concedes, “This is painful,” and asks, “Is there any constructive feedback embedded in this criticism that will allow me to move forward in this job?”

When your boss questions why you didn’t respond immediately to a non-urgent weekend email, FM feels irresponsible. GM accepts valuing your career, but it is unrealistic to be 100 percent available when you also value your personal and family well-being and will set appropriate limits regarding emails outside of the workday.

When your boss compares you negatively to others or lauds your accomplishments, FM utters, ”I'm incompetent” or beams, “I'm exceptional." GM focuses on what you can learn from your colleagues, regardless of the overstated praise or criticism. It says to maintain a respectful and professional relationship with them so that you may collaborate to obtain strategies and information you need to continue to develop in your career.

When assessing career progress during your tenure with a narcissistic boss, FM cries out, “All my hopes and dreams for doing a perfect job and being outstanding are shattered.” GM asks, “What are my takeaways from this job experience and how will I use them to advance my search for a new job? What skills have I honed from this experience and what skills do I need to develop? A growth mindset documents the skills cultivated, notes the skills to be developed, and uses this information to inform the next steps in the quest for a job you value.