Will the Real Gentle Parents Please Stand Up?

Co-Authored By Robert Betten and Adam A. Rogers, Ph.D.

A new trend has swept the nation: “gentle parenting.” Whether it is through social media, mommy blogs, or morning shows, young families seeking guidance on raising children are encountering popular media that claims to promote gentle parenting as a more balanced approach to parenting.

One TikTok user posted a reel about how they implement gentle parenting in two steps: “First, I regulate myself, [then I] validate [my child’s] feelings.”

The Rise of Gentle Parenting: What Is It, Really?

The term "gentle parenting" was popularized by author Sarah Ockwell-Smith in a book published in 2015.¹ According to the book, “gentle parenting” is essentially synonymous with authoritative parenting, a well-studied parenting style that emphasizes three key principles:

1. Parental responsiveness to a child’s needs
2. Respecting the child’s emotions and perspectives
3. Upholding boundaries and expectations that are developmentally appropriate

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Often contrasted with more authoritarian approaches, authoritative parenting represents a sweet spot where appropriate rules and boundaries are achieved in the home through parental warmth and respect for their children's viewpoints. Studies consistently show that authoritative parenting promotes a wealth of social, emotional, and academic benefits for children of varying backgrounds.²

In popular media, especially social media, a proliferation of content has emerged that claims to model this principle of “gentle parenting.” A second glance, however, reveals a more distorted version of the original, well-established ideal. Are “gentle parenting” influencers really teaching authoritative parenting principles? Or are they pushing something else?

Consider for a second what you think of when you hear the phrase “gentle parenting.” Perhaps you thought of other terms, like kind parenting or careful parenting. Or perhaps you have no idea. If so, you are not alone.

Even well-established journalism is grappling with the ever-evolving concept. Take, for example, an article from the New Yorker, which asserted, “gentle parenting represents a turn away from a still dominant progressive approach known as authoritative parenting…” stating the difference by claiming that “authoritative parents may use time-outs and groundings... which are discouraged by their gentle counterparts.”³

Apparently, even the most well-established research principles cannot be filtered through social media's algorithms and influencer communities and still remain completely intact. It is not surprising that the concept of gentle parenting has drifted—quite far in some circles—from its original, intended meaning. Sarah Ockwell-Smith herself expressed concerns about this four years after publishing her book, saying, “I think a lot of people who think they are practicing gentle parenting are actually quite permissive.” She lamented, “It frustrates me when people imply gentle parenting is soft… Gentle doesn’t mean permissive."⁴

Kindness Without Limits

Even scholars are trying to get to the bottom of this phenomenon. In a recently published study exploring the meaning of "gentle parenting" among today's parents, Dr. Alice Davidson and Dr. Annie Pezalla asked 100 parents to describe their parenting style using adjectives.⁵ Parents who identified as “gentle parents” described their parenting with adjectives like gentle, affectionate, conscious, and intentional.

They then asked parents who embraced “gentle parenting” to describe how they were parented. According to Dr. Davidson, the gentle parents used “fewer, more simplistic words to describe their parents,” saying they were reactive or confrontational. This was true even for participants with parents who showed them an abundance of warmth and love in their parenting.

These findings suggest that gentle parents may be just as focused on the sensitive and caring aspects of their own parenting approach as they are resentful of the stringent and disciplined approach of their own parents. One wonders if perhaps the former is because of the latter?

Many anecdotal experiences and even research seem to support this idea that “gentle parenting” is frequently being mistaken for permissive parenting, a style that is generally not optimal for a child's growth.

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Permissive parenting is also a well-studied parenting style. It includes warmth and openness to children's thoughts and feelings, but lacks boundaries, discipline, and reasonable expectations. The result is that kids usually end up in control. Studies have shown that the presence of clear boundaries and consistent discipline provides structure that helps children learn to self-regulate. Without these ingredients, children can develop self-regulatory deficits, which can lead to several undesirable downstream traits and behaviors.

When you notice gentle parenting influencers emphasizing warmth and responsiveness in the name of “self-regulation,” but neglecting to uphold appropriate boundaries or discipline, they may be missing half of the equation. The beauty of authoritative parenting lies in its ability to balance reasonable expectations with a deep respect for the child.

But Why Does This Matter?

One Reddit user shared a story about their sister, who, after watching numerous TikTok videos, decided to become a “gentle parent.” The user goes on to explain that his sister “describes her style as gentle… but it's really just permissive…she lets her kids get away with everything, and the kids know it. There’s never any discipline, and the kids manipulate their way out of the rare punishments that she tries to enforce.”

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Ironically, the user went on to state the problem with gentle parenting by saying, “Kids need to be respected, but they also need rules and boundaries.” In providing this example, the user accidentally provides a perfect definition of what gentle parenting was originally intended to be—authoritative parenting.

While many of these examples are anecdotal, they are prevalent enough that young parents take them seriously and may even change the way they raise their children. We agree with one commenter who responded to the previously mentioned New Yorker article, stating, "The name—gentle parenting—might not be the best because it really just highlights the love part without giving any hint that the limit part is equally important.”

At the end of the day, “gentle parenting” videos don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. So, next time you are scrolling through TikTok and you stumble across some gentle parenting advice, consider asking yourself the following question: “Does this video help me know how to implement consistent structure in my home in a way that is kind and respectful to my child?"

If not, keep on scrolling.