Don't Drown in Empathy

Are you buying into these myths:

• In order to help someone, I need to feel what they feel.
• I am an empath, and I cannot help getting overwhelmed and shut down by others' emotions.
• There is too much going on in the world for me to take compassionate actions.
• Having empathy means I feel as much despair/agony/heartbreak/rage as the person I am deeply listening to.

Burnout and compassion fatigue are common problems for caregivers, as well as job hazards for those in the helping professions. What if I told you that feeling what others were feeling is part of the problem?

Most of us would probably agree that the world needs more, not less empathy. And yet, drowning in empathy shuts us down and keeps us from taking meaningful action in the world.

How do we keep growing in are ability to offer empathy and yet stay resilient?

The answer to this question comes down to two distinct forms of empathy: cognitive and affective. Research suggests that while affective empathy can lead to overwhelm and shutdown, cognitive empathy—our ability to understand another’s perspective without necessarily sharing their emotional state—may be the key to healthier relationships, better decision-making, and greater resilience.

Cognitive vs. Affective Empathy: What’s the Difference?

Research has distinguished two separate neurological systems for empathy: an emotional system that supports our ability to feel the emotion of someone else, and a cognitive system that involves cognitive understanding of the other's perspective (Shamay-Tsoory, 2011).

• Affective Empathy: The capacity to share or mirror another person’s feelings. When you feel sad because your friend is sad, that’s affective empathy.
• Cognitive Empathy: The ability to understand another person’s perspective, thoughts, or feelings without necessarily experiencing them yourself. When your friend is sad, you express understanding, and offer what you can to help them, that's cognitive empathy.

The Pitfalls of Affective Empathy

While it is absolutely necessary for us to strive to understand each other, show concern, and stay curious, vicariously experiencing others' emotions can lead to:

• Compassion Fatigue: Affective empathy contributes to compassion fatigue, as we continually take on the other person's distress (Decety, 2020).
• Burnout: Distress and compassion fatigue can lead to burnout in caregivers and those in helping professions (Figley, 2002).
• Reactivity: Cognitive empathy involves both recognizing another's emotional experience, and maintaining the distinction between the self and other. If we do not maintain this distinction, our amygdala becomes activated, we become distressed (e.g. worried, troubled, upset) our focus shifts to our own "threat" experience (Batson et al., 1997; Decety and Lamm, 2006).
• Self-focus: With our attention turned inward, we focus on our own needs, instead of the needs of the person we are trying to support. Dr. Brene Brown, in her book, The Atlas of the Heart (2021), writes, "Affective empathy, feeling something along with the person who is struggling, is a slippery slope toward becoming overwhelmed and not being able to offer meaningful support."

The Benefits of Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive empathy allows us to understand others’ perspectives without absorbing their emotions. We then can respond with compassion and wisdom without losing ourselves in the process.

Key benefits include:

• Better Communication: Cognitive empathy (without the distress of affective empathy) allows us to compassionately tend to the other person, enhancing our ability to listen, validate, and respond thoughtfully (Batson et al., 1997).
• Resilience: Cognitive empathy allows us to support others while maintaining our own emotional balance. This allows for more effective problem solving, and reduced interpersonal conflict.
• Professional Effectiveness: In fields like healthcare, cognitive empathy is associated with improved patient outcomes and reduced provider burnout (Hojat et al., 2011).

Strengthening Your Cognitive Empathy Skills

Cognitive empathy is a skill you can develop. Practice developing the four attributes nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman (1996), identified:

• Perspective-taking: Asking open-ended questions, curiously explore another's experience: “Can you tell me more about what that was like for you?”
• Suspend Judgement: Notice your own assumptions and biases, and lean into hearing the other person's perspective. Refrain from offering solutions. Manage your discomfort. Watch "Just World Bias" that says, "That would never happen to me; I never feel that way or suffer that way because _____."
• Recognize emotion: Notice what the other person might be feeling, and what needs might be associated with this.
• Communicate your understanding of their emotional experience: Use your imagination! It's ok if you are a little off--the person can correct you. "That is hard. I imagine you are devastated."

Keep yourself from drowning in Affective Empathy! Remind yourself that understanding someone’s experience doesn’t require you to feel their emotions as your own. If you find yourself regularly overwhelmed by the emotions of others, consider your boundary style, and learn some new skills. For instance, check out The Empath's Survival Guide by Dr. Orloff for great tips for how to manage internal boundaries and stay balanced.