Letting Go of Maladaptive Guilt

Guilt over specific actions can point us to what matters. It can cue us to ways we are hurting or burdening other people, and can signal us to repair wrongs and make amends. And yet, many of us struggle with maladaptive guilt, the kind of guilt that doesn't serve a useful purpose but instead keeps us stuck in a cycle of self-blame and regret. This "big guilt," if left unaddressed, can overwhelm us and lead to even less ability to respond and repair.

To break free from the burden of this guilt, consider the framework of Trauma-Informed Guilt Reduction (TrIGR) Therapy by Dr. Sonja Norman and colleagues. By examining the different components of guilt and challenging the faulty thinking patterns that sustain it, we can learn to let go of maladaptive guilt and embrace a more compassionate, empowered perspective.

Consider something you feel guilty for doing or not doing. The questions and exercises below, pulled from the Attitudes About Guilt Survey (AAGS; Kubany and Manke, 1995) and TrIGR (Norman et al, 2019), can help us untangle the knot of guilt and see more clearly.

Foreseeability and Preventability (Hindsight Bias)

To what extent do you think you should have known better and could have prevented the outcome?

One common thinking error is hindsight bias, the belief that we knew an event was going to happen and therefore should have prevented it. Hundreds of studies have examined our tendency to alter our perception of the inevitability of an event once we know the outcome of the event ("I knew it all along!"). Say you and your friends are asked who will win the football game this weekend; your guesses will likely line up with predictions. But if you already knew who won, many of your friends would see the "signs" that that team was going to win all along! When working with trauma survivors, it is common for individuals to say, "I should have known." An important part of our work is honestly examining what was known at the time.

Ask yourself, "If I knew for certain what was going to happen, would I have done what I did?" If the answer is no, this means you did not know what was going to happen.

Insufficient Justification

How good were your reasons for what you did?

Ask yourself: What options did you have and consider at the time? What would have been the possible pros and cons of each option?

When I am working with an individual who feels extreme guilt for actions they either took or did not take, they often wish they had taken actions that weren't actually possible. For instance, "I wish I had never been friends with that person," "I wish I had gone out on that convoy instead of my friend." These were not available choices. If you are weighing your actions against an action that you didn't have the ability or power to take, this is not fair.

We can also weigh our choices against choices we didn't think of until much later. Our body might have reacted in "fight, flight, or freeze," and we didn't get to consider our options at length with our most creative prefrontal cortex. One thing we know is that our bodies want to keep us alive. If you are feeling guilty, your body succeeded--you are still alive! Recognizing the context we were in when we acted or didn't act can help us let go of unhelpful guilt.

Causal Responsibility

How personally responsible were you for causing what happened?

There are two traps here: Taking 100 percent responsibility and confusing responsibility with blame.

If you have some responsibility for what happened, what percentage? Consider making a pie chart and giving everyone who had some responsibility a piece of the pie. How much responsibility is yours? Sometimes people are unfairly giving themselves too big a piece.

Another trap is confusing responsibility with blame. That is the same as confusing an accident with manslaughter or murder. With an accident, we neither had the intention to cause harm nor did we neglect our duties. Yet, sadly, someone was hurt. With manslaughter, we didn't mean to harm someone, but maybe acted negligently. With murder, there was an intention to harm. In your case, what was your intention? Did you neglect duties, or did an accident happen? If you neglected duties or intentionally harmed someone, then you have some amends or repair work to do. If it was an accident, can the jury inside you acknowledge this?

Guilt Essential Reads

What Is "Sunshine Guilt" and Tips to Manage It This Summer

Why High-IQ People Feel Guilty All the Time

Violation of Values

Did you violate your values? Society's values? Consider a few things:

• Did you intend to violate this value?
• Was there a values conflict? All available choices would have violated a value?
• Are you concluding there was wrongdoing based on what happened, or would you consider your action, taken at any time, wrong?

Repairing Wrongs

With the guilt that is remaining after working through some of your maladaptive guilt, consider these questions:

• What can I do to make amends or repair a wrong?
• What have I learned as a result of my regretful actions?
• How can I offer myself compassion, including both comfort and guidance moving forward, in the face of my guilt?

In an excerpt from At Hell’s Gate, Claude Anshin Thomas wrote,

What could I do about the lives I had taken? I can’t reconstruct them. What I am discovering…is that by waking up, by not perpetuating suffering, but living consciously and differently, I can begin to repair what I have done. I have come to believe that the universe does not work by simple negative or positive arithmetic: eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, a bridge for a bridge. By decreasing the reservoir of pain and suffering we can save lives and create new life.

Guilt can serve an adaptive purpose when it guides us toward positive change. But when it becomes all-consuming and self-punishing, it's time to re-evaluate. By breaking guilt down into its parts, challenging your perspective, and cultivating self-compassion, you can begin to unburden yourself from the weight of such guilt and reclaim your ability to live your values. Letting go of guilt is a process that requires self-compassion, perspective-taking, and a willingness to challenge long-held beliefs. It may involve making amends where appropriate, but it also means recognizing when guilt has become more of a hindrance than a help.