Restoring Intimacy After Infidelity

Infidelity can be one of the most devastating experiences a couple can face. The betrayal of trust, the shattered sense of security, and the intense emotional pain can leave both partners feeling lost and unsure of how to move forward. Yet some couples not only recover, they find a stronger bond, and deepen the truths they are able to tell each other.

The State of Affairs

According to Esther Perel (2017), an affair is a sexual, romantic, or emotional involvement that breaches a couple's mutual agreement on commitment. About 30% of couples seeking therapy are dealing with infidelity (Christensen, 2025). Couples initiating therapy following infidelity report higher initial dissatisfaction with their relationship compared to couples without such experiences.

Notably, couples dealing with affairs demonstrate greater improvements in relationship satisfaction through the course of therapy, but only if the affair is fully disclosed before or within therapy sessions and the affair is terminated (Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom & Christensen, 2005). Unsurprisingly, couples with infidelity are twice as likely to get a divorce after seeking couple therapy (23% of couples with no infidelity, vs 43% with open infidelity); yet among couples who stayed together post couple therapy, research found no difference in satisfaction five years later between “no infidelity” and “fidelity” couples (Baucom, Atkins, Simpson & Christensen, 2015; Marín, Christensen & Atkins, 2014). Some couples truly became stronger and found healing. This research suggests that with the right approach, couples can not only recover from infidelity but even strengthen their bond.

Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon (2007) propose an integrative approach to treating infidelity that involves three key stages: dealing with the initial impact, exploring contributing factors and finding meaning, and reaching an informed decision on how to move on. Let's explore each stage through a clinical example.

Stage 1: Initial Impact

Meet Sarah and Tom, a couple in their mid-30s who have been married for eight years. Sarah recently discovered that Tom had been having an emotional affair with a coworker for the past six months. Sarah was left feeling betrayed, angry, and unsure if she could ever trust Tom again. Tom felt tremendous guilt and shame, and was not sure how to make it right. He felt confused, perceiving he "couldn't win" and began avoiding Sarah, which contributed to Sarah feeling even more upset, wondering if Tom valued her at all.

In the first stage of treatment, the focus was on helping Sarah and Tom cope with the initial shock and intense emotions surrounding the revelation of the affair. The therapist provided a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and worked with them to establish boundaries and guidelines for communication as they navigated this difficult period. Immediate needs were for for self-care and preventing further damage. For Tom and Sarah, this meant a period of physical separation, where Tom moved in with a friend.

It was important for Tom to offer amends in this stage, including ending the relationship with his coworker. He expressed sincere remorse, apologizing, and offered proactive reassurance and trust-building for his hurtful behaviors. He regularly expressed commitment repair the rupture in trust. At Sarah's request, Tom worked with his management to move to a different office where he would not interact with his coworker, and began sharing his phone location with Sarah. Tom's actions are evidence-based: the more people trust the sincerity and comprehensiveness of their partners’ amends, the more forgiving they are of their partners (Pansera & La Guardia, 2012).

Stage 2: Exploring Contributing Factors

As Sarah and Tom moved into the second stage of treatment, they began to explore the factors that may have contributed to the affair (see DEEP formulation). Importantly, understanding the context of infidelity DOES NOT excuse it. Through open and honest dialogue, Sarah and Tom discovered that they had been growing apart due to the demands of work and parenting, and had stopped prioritizing their intimate connection. When they began to have financial difficulties, and tried to talk about some of their difficulties, they got stuck in a pattern of "demand/avoidance"--The more Tom avoided tough conversations, the more Sarah demanded to have them. This pattern escalated, with both becoming polarized and beginning to vilify each other.

Tom recognized that he had been struggling with feelings of inadequacy and felt embarrassed to express this to Sarah. Ironically, he had turned to his coworker for validation and emotional support because he cared deeply about what Sarah thought of him, and felt less embarrassment opening up to his coworker. When Tom revealed his sincere desire for Sarah to respect and admire him as a motivation for sharing vulnerabilities with another person, Sarah was moved, and was able to reconsider some of her own insecurities about not being "enough." By gaining insight into the underlying issues, Sarah and Tom were able to start slowly rebuilding trust and intimacy.

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Stage 3: Deciding on the Relationship

Ester Perel (2017) notes that in the aftermath of an affair she often tells her couples, “Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?” In the final stage of treatment, Sarah and Tom worked together to make an informed decision about the future of their relationship. They both wanted to stay married, and were willing to work hard to reengage. In addition to empathizing more fully with each other, the worked to show up for each other in new ways. They also developed a shared vision for their relationship that prioritized open communication, vulnerability, and mutual support. At this stage, it was helpful for them to consider how they could begin to relate to each other in more securely attached ways. Sarah and Tom's story illustrates that healing and growth are possible in the aftermath of an affair.

Challenges of Desire and Intimacy

Infidelity is a complex issue that touches on the very nature of human relationships and sexuality. We are asking someone to be both the most dependable and the most interesting person--an impossible task! Data on heterosexual affairs show that extradyadic sexual fantasies are common, with 98% of men and 78% of women admitting to such thoughts, and 25% of men and 15% of women having engaged in sexual activities outside their marriage (Christensen, 2025). These statistics highlight the need for open and honest dialogue about the challenges of maintaining desire and intimacy in long-term relationships. Affairs can deeply damage a relationship. Yet! With compassion, understanding, and a commitment to growth, it is possible to navigate the pain of infidelity and emerge stronger on the other side.