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Deception

Deepening the Truths We Tell

Exploring truth-telling and the impact on our mental health and relationships.

Key points

  • The science behind deception reveals our propensity for dishonesty.
  • Lying has evolutionary advantages, and can be protective, but also erodes connections.
  • Exploring our lies might reveal our hidden hidden fears and motivations, promoting self-honesty.
  • As we build trust in relationships, we are able to share more of our truths.

Despite being taught the value of honesty from a young age, research suggests that we lie 1-2 times daily (Zimmerman, 2017). This raises a critical question: How do you navigate the moral intricacies of truth-telling in your daily life? How does this align with your values and mental health? Reflecting on this can help prevent future morally injurious events and foster compassion for those in situations where telling the truth carries a significant cost.

Have you found yourself:

  • Claiming to be on your way when you haven't left?
  • Embellishing a story for effect?
  • Offering a polite laugh at an unfunny joke?
  • Saying "I'm fine" to someone who might not genuinely care?
  • Assuring a child "It will be okay" in a frightening situation to keep them calm?
  • Embellishing job responsibilities on a resume?
  • Putting VERY old pictures on a dating site?

When do our "social lubricant" lies shift into trust-eroding deceit?

What Constitutes a Lie?

The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy defines a lie with four criteria:

  1. Making a statement.
  2. Believing the statement is false.
  3. Intending the statement for another person.
  4. Intending that person to believe the statement is true.

By this definition, not all untruths are lies. For example, the art of magic, the craft of fiction writing, the performance of actors, poker, situations of life threat, and polite social convention do not constitute lying, as the audience does not expect truth.

Lies that Shaped History

"History is a set of lies agreed upon." —Napoleon

Historically, lies have been tools of both oppression and survival. Consider Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld’s statement in a briefing on February 12, 2002, about the lack of evidence linking the government of Iraq with the supply of weapons of mass destruction to terrorist groups. “There are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we don’t know. But there are also unknown knowns, the ones we know we don’t know.” On the other hand, deception saved lives during World War II when citizens questioned by the Gestapo provided false assurances to protect Jewish people hidden in their homes.

The Science Behind Our Deceptive Ways

Research indicates we're lied to up to 200 times a day (Zimmerman, 2017). Lying has evolutionary advantages, allowing humans to gain resources and status without physical confrontation (Side note: check out these animal liars). We lie to protect feelings, or escape punishment. Some people lie for self-aggrandizement, to gain advantage over others, or even to harm others. Conversely, believing others is crucial for learning and social cohesion.

Fifty years of research shows that there are no reliable cues for deception. On average, people have 54% accuracy for telling who is lying or not (ibid). For a great synopsis of research in this area, check out Malcom Gladwell’s Talking With Strangers. This delicate balance between deception and trust is foundational to human society. The more we lie, the easier it becomes, suggesting lying is a muscle that strengthens with use. In one study, researchers found that the amygdala’s fear response to lies got progressively weaker with each lie, even as the lies got bigger. Thus, engaging in small acts of deception can lead to bigger acts of deception, as lying becomes less scary.

Ethical Considerations

The morality of lying is a contentious topic. Philosophers like Kant argue that lying is always morally wrong, while utilitarian ethics suggest the morality of a lie depends on its outcomes. Virtue ethics, on the other hand, sees truth-telling as a virtue that may sometimes conflict with other virtues, such as kindness. For instance, In the Christian tradition, Ephesians 4:15 states, “Speak the truth in love.” In Buddhism, Speech is the third of the eight path factors in the Noble Eightfold Path, and includes five elements: true, well-intended, beneficial, timely, gentle. Reflecting on your values, which ones at times create a tension with your commitment to honesty?

Unintended Consequences

Lies, especially when pervasive, can undermine trust, spread cynicism, and erode quality of life. In relationships, honesty and fairness are essential for health and longevity. Consider this quote: An honorable human relationship – that is one in which two people have the right to use the word love – is a process of deepening the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. ~ Adrienne Rich

When have you felt more connected to someone after hearing their truth? Who in your life do you trust enough to risk telling a little more of your truth to?

Deepening the Truths We Tell

  • Reflect on the purpose of your lie. Is it protective (a "prey" lie?) Is it meant to harm someone or to gain unfair economic advantage (a "predator" lie?) Are you following social conventions? Covering up a mistake that you could take accountability for? Examine your motives, and decide if that motive lines up with who you want to be.
  • Ask yourself, do you care about a future relationship with person you are lying to? What would they think of you if they found out you were lying? How might your lie erode or prevent trust from building?
  • David Whyte stated, "The fear of loss, in one form or another, is the motivator behind all conscious and unconscious dishonesties." What fear might be behind your lies? How might you more honestly face this?
  • Be creative in finding ways to tell the truth without causing harm. Perhaps you can show compassion and good timing!
  • Be honest with yourself! Acknowledge your feelings and needs and consider sharing them with trusted others.
  • Beware of settling for comforting lies vs uncomfortable truth. Beware of believing stories that are fun to believe and fit your worldview. Lying is a cooperative act—lying has power because someone believes the lie. When deceptions comfort us (false praise, security, reassurance) we are prone to believe them. Often people crave certainty more than truth. Examine the lies you have believed. What were you hungry for that lead to vulnerability?
  • When people you are trying to build trust with show that they are either not capable or willing to grow in telling you the truth, get away! Consider protecting others through speaking out when people in your community are preying on others through lying.
  • We have all lied; consider offering compassion to someone who is taking accountability for a lie they have told.
  • Consider the difference between hiding and lying. Not everyone deserves every truth. “Hiding is an act of freedom from the misunderstanding of others. Hiding is creative, necessary and beautifully subversive of outside interference and control. Hiding leaves life to itself, to become more of itself. Hiding is the radical independence necessary for our emergence.”—David White.

Conclusion

Navigating truth and deception is crucial for mental health, requiring us to examine our motivations, the context, and the potential impacts of our words. Committing to deepening the truths we tell fosters connections and a foundation of trusting relationships.

References

Brach, T. (2020). Being truthful: How honesty deepens your love. Retrieved Dec 17, 2024, from https://www.tarabrach.com/being-truthful-honesty-love/

Burk, Domyo. (2018). Five things to consider before speaking. Retrieved Dec 17, 2024, from https://brightwayzen.org/five-things-to-consider-before-speaking/

Fallis, D. (2015). Lying and deception. In E. N. Zalta (Ed.), The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Winter 2015 Edition). Stanford University. Retrieved Dec 17, 2024, from https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/lying-definition/

Gladwell, M. (2019). Talking to strangers: What we should know about the people we don't know. Little, Brown and Company.

Howard, B. C. (2017). Animals are lying liars: Here are a few of the biggest fibbers, including birds and squid. National Geographic. Retrieved Dec 17, 2024, from https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/article/animals-lying-liars-birds-squid

U.S. Department of Defense. (2002, February 12). Department of Defense news briefing - Secretary Rumsfeld and Gen. Myers. Retrieved Dec 17, 2024, from https://web.archive.org/web/20160406235718/http://archive.defense.gov/Transcripts/Transcript.aspx?TranscriptID=2636

White, David. (n.d.). David Whyte. Retrieved Dec 17, 2024, from https://www.byronevents.net/davidwhyte/index.html

Zimmerman, M. (2017). The truth about lying: Why people lie and how to cope. National Geographic. Retrieved Dec 17, 2024, from https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/article/lying-hoax-false-fibs-science?loggedin=true&rnd=1734456414532

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