Sending Kids to College: Stay in Touch and Let Them Go

The hardest part of a college’s preparation for freshman orientation is figuring out how to peel parents away from their children.

The student part is easy—they are meeting roommates, orientation counselors, and new advisors. There are meetings prepared that tell them how to sign up for classes, give consent, and find the dining hall. But parents? What’s a parent to do?

What Is College Orientation For?

First, parents need to remember the goals of college orientation and the signs that it’s working well.

• Reorient students towards features of the environment that will keep them happy and help them succeed. Those are new friends, helpful adults, and the structures colleges have worked hard to put in place. They also include all the meet and greets that kids tend to roll their eyes at and get a lot out of.
• ·Help students feel safe and comfortable. This includes coming to believe that they are competent and ready for this new challenge and that there are people there ready to help them when they need it.
• Let them learn their new environment. Even small campuses are big! I cannot tell you how many lost first-year students trying to find their classes I have helped over the years.

For colleges, helping students means providing the maximum of challenge and the maximum of support. There are times students will feel challenged. But new students should feel excited and confident—both in themselves and in the knowledge that there are trusted people who will be there for them when they feel overwhelmed.

Help Orientation Work

If you are doing more than just schlepping boxes up to dorm rooms and heading home, there are a few things parents can do during orientation:

• Encourage your child to participate in orientation! I’ll be honest. I rolled my eyes at the socials, picnics, and get-togethers my first college prepared for us. Not my thing, I thought. Thank goodness for roommates! My roommates and RA said they were going and shooed me towards the door. Everyone was new and looking for friends. Even the shy folks.
• Go to parent events. Because they are trying to give new students their own space, colleges often have orientation events for parents. Go. They will tell you about advising and billing and can answer your questions. They can help you help your child.
• Find the support offices. One of the best things that parents can do is find out what student support services are available. Don’t neglect physical health! My students and I did an analysis of why students dropped or failed classes. To our surprise, one of the most common reasons was that they got sick—an earache, a cold, a sprained ankle—at an awkward time in the semester. Being able to provide information on who to go to can often be the best thing you can do for your child.
• Put the emotional needs of your child before your own. There will be time to deal with your own feelings about your child going away to college.

Let Your Child Reach Out

My recent work on parental monitoring—and my own experience as a parent—suggests that when kids take on new challenges, parents get nervous. Since they’ve been born, one of the parents’ best tools for helping their children thrive is information. Knowing what is happening in our children’s lives lets us know when they need more help, when we can step back, and when we should step in.

In environments we know—like high school—we have a good baseline to judge what’s happening. In a new environment—like college—everything has changed. We don’t know what their schedule is, what kind of people they’ll be making friends with, or what the threats and dangers are. Will they drink too much? Can they manage their own alarm clock? All these unknowns can amp up our own vigilance and anxiety.

That’s our problem, not theirs. Seriously. Just as it is important to convey your confidence to your child that they can handle this transition, it is important to convey to yourself that you’ve done your job. Keep your worries to yourself.

Where’s the Balance?

Let your child know you are available, but don’t hover. Hovering tells them you don’t think they can do it on their own.

Concretely, that might mean:

• Sending a brief, cheery text every few days. Send them a picture of the dog. Tell them you are thinking about them. Send a dad joke. You want your texts to be something they smile when they see, not sigh and roll their eyes.
• Let them reach out to you. No news is probably good news. They are busy making new friends and learning new things. Give them space to do that.
• Set up a time for them to call you a few days in. Call, not text, because you want to hear their voice—perhaps even see their face!
• Ask questions that convey confidence and encourage them to talk. What’s been fun? Weirdest thing they made you do at orientation? Any good advice? How’s the food?
• Make sure they know you’ve got their back. Did they forget anything? I wouldn’t hesitate to mail a forgotten teddy bear, a set of D&D dice, or something else they’re really missing. They can shop online for anything else.
• Really, really need to know they’re OK? Every morning, my mom posts something beautiful, a dumb joke, or an old picture from home. It makes me happy. It doesn’t make demands. And when I heart it, she knows I’m OK.
• Listen. You will know when something is wrong.

Bottom Line

This is an exciting time for your children. Let them reach out. When parents crowd in too much, children tend to push back. When they reach out, be there.

Remember: Children call home when something great happens or when they’re really down and depressed. Unless there are real signs of danger, don’t rush in. Talking to you probably made them feel better. Text back the next morning and see how they are.

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Finally, the best things parents can do to help their children transition to college is to go home and enjoy their lives. It’s a new phase for them, but a new phase for you, too.