Can True Love Create a Telepathic Connection?

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After a whirlwind romance, Susie married John because they “seemed to be on the same wavelength and saw eye-to-eye on things.” But to her chagrin, as she got to know him better, she realized that he had not “tuned into” some of her finer sensibilities. She even had to tell him how to please her sexually. “If he really loved me,” she complained, “he’d know what I like; I wouldn’t have to tell him!” Susie believed that if you really cared for someone, you should be able to pick up the important things intuitively.

When people understand one another and are sensitive to each other’s feelings, opinions, and preferences, their relationships are likely to be rewarding. Indeed, when people have a loving, close and caring connection they often learn to anticipate and interpret one another’s reactions quite accurately. But we cannot expect other people to read our minds. In essence, this is Susie’s false and self-defeating belief; “John should just know what I want. If I have to spell it out for him, then our relationship is no good.”

But the reality is that even deep love and caring do not bestow telepathic abilities. No one can directly experience another person’s mind and emotions, regardless of the intensity of their love or devotion. People, unlike less complex creatures, do not possess intricate response patterns based on instinct. Apart from some basic drives (e.g., hunger, thirst) and reflexes (e.g., breathing, swallowing), whatever people know they learn through instruction and experience and/or by example and trial-and-error. In fact, it seems human beings are one of the very few species that can communicate complex thoughts and feelings through spoken language. Hence, we tend to get along best and deepen our intimate relationships when we communicate those thoughts and feelings clearly.

One of the most harmful features of this telepathy expectation is that it leads people to fall into self-defeating traps by unfairly testing their partners. Here’s an example: “If Tommy truly loves me,” claims Amy, “he’ll insist on driving me to see my Aunt Betty when she gets home from her trip, even if I tell him not to worry about it.” According to Amy’s line of reasoning, if Tommy fails the test, he “proves” he really doesn’t love her. It would be much better, of course, for both Amy and Tommy, if Amy simply stated her desire in a straightforward way: “Will you do me a favor and drive me over to Aunt Betty’s when she gets back?”

Similarly, when Joan asked her husband, Frank, if he would like her to invite some friends over for supper, he declared, “I’m not in the mood to entertain or see anyone tonight.” Later, when he found out that Joan had taken him at his word, and made no social dinner plans, he remarked, “If you really cared about me you’d have realized I was merely expressing my temporary bad mood.”

Rich, fulfilling relationships are based on clear and open communication. Honestly expressing our desires, likes, and dislikes is how we cultivate and nourish our intimate connections. We teach others how to get along with us and how we want to be treated through effective communication—not hints, tests, or games.

Simply put, say what you mean and mean what you say, and do not expect anyone to read your mind. State your wishes, hopes, and desires openly and clearly. Anyone who loves you deserves no less.

Remember: Think well, Act well, Feel well, Be well!

Copyright 2020 Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D. This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for help from a qualified health professional. The advertisements in this post do not necessarily reflect my opinions nor are they endorsed by me.