How to Let Go of Unhealthy Grudges

Jason and Joan were in the office for their weekly marriage counseling session. Joan said, rather bitterly, “We were at a dinner party with my sister and brother-in-law and Jason made an insensitive remark and really insulted them.” Joan was visibly upset when recounting this event, and gave the impression that it was a fresh wound. Jason said: “What would you say if I told you this happened over 10 years ago?”

Joan was making a common but serious mistake, harping on a negative event from the past. It is almost never constructive to recite unpleasant things, however trivial or important, that your partner did to you in the past. The past is gone and has value only in two ways: we can learn from past mistakes, and we can gain pleasure from recalling pleasant past experiences.

Rehashing unpleasant incidents or events only serves to take us out the potential pleasures of the present. What's worse, it creates emotional distance, causes deeper resentments, and often leads to greater conflict and destructive arguments thus becoming a vicious circle. If a deed was bad enough for you to end the relationship, so be it. But if you choose to stay together,

There’s nothing to be gained for either of you by continuing to punish your partner for events in the past.

If you want your partner to make up to you for the hurt, ask for what you want, firmly but pleasantly. To walk around feeling resentful will only eat away at you and the relationship. Indeed, resentment is a toxic and corrosive emotion.

It’s best to constructively express it, resolve it, drop it, and never pick it up again.

Stop mentioning it. Because, as I've stated numerous times in previous posts, our actions strengthen the thoughts and feelings associated with them. So, as stated above, angrily expressing resentments, grudges and past grievances usually only intensifies them. Thus, instead of energizing a resentment by reciting the hurtful incident that led to it, try to neutralize your bad feelings.

The first step is to downgrade the importance of the event by making sure you're not blowing it out of proportion by labeling it as "terrible" or "awful" but rather as "unfortunate" or "undesirable."

Also, trying to empathize with your partner helps. We are all fallible and imperfect people. Just because we do something objectionable doesn't mean we're bad people. Smart people occasionally do dumb things and good people occasionally act badly. So we need to separate the person from the deed and try to put ourselves in his or her place. (For more on this, see my post on "states" versus "traits.")

Of course, you will want to consider what role you may have played in provoking an unpleasant incident. And remind yourself what you’re accomplishing by harboring resentment. Because, as mentioned, by hanging on to grudges and refusing to let them go, you only end up harming yourself and others.

It’s worth noting that this discussion refers to grudges based on single isolated occurrences. Patterns are a very different matter.

If the issue concerns a repetitive and damaging habit, active steps need to be taken.

In cases of seriously offensive or destructive patterns of behavior, you have every right to expect your partner to change such actions. If he or she won't, you should seriously consider professional help, or even ending the partnership, particularly if any form of abuse is involved.

Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!

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Copyright Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D. This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance or personal mental health treatment by a qualified clinician.