Silence in Psychotherapy

The Power of Silence in Psychotherapy: A Therapist’s Guide

American poet Amanda Lovelace has said, “Silence has always been my loudest scream.” To me, as a therapist, this quote has resonated with my quest to develop a sense of comfort in my relationship with silence.

I can remember numerous times sitting with different clients, such as a severely depressed client or an unmotivated teenager, where silence stretched on for what felt like years or centuries. The discomfort in those moments was like being trapped in a dense fog—thick with shame, doubt, fear, and helplessness—where every attempt to find clarity was met with confusion and disorientation. My body would join in the struggle, offering up heart palpitations, a queasy stomach, and a restless unease that made stillness feel unbearable. Often, just to puncture the silence, I would say something—anything—but those words would land flat or feel intrusive, only deepening the client’s retreat into their quiet world. And so the cycle of silent despair would continue.

Why Therapeutic Silence Creates Discomfort

Silence can feel unsettling, even frightening—especially in a therapeutic setting. But why is that? Here are a few key reasons we often struggle with silence:

1. Cultural expectation around communication: In many Western cultures, there’s an unspoken rule that when people gather with a shared purpose—whether socially or professionally—there should be conversation. Silence is often interpreted as awkward, rude, or unproductive. In contrast, many East Asian cultures view silence as a sign of respect, thoughtfulness, and even wisdom. These differing cultural norms shape our comfort (or discomfort) with quiet moments.

2. The bias toward action: There’s a common assumption that therapists must always be doing something—directing, guiding, or problem-solving. As a result, silence can feel like a failure or a sign of incompetence, especially when sitting with a client in emotional pain. But nondirective therapy can be just as active as directive approaches. It offers space for clients to lead, reflect, and regulate and for a chance to be with themselves in a new way. Many clients actually appreciate and benefit from these pauses; silence can be grounding and deeply therapeutic.

3. Confronting uncertainty and emotional pain: Silence brings us face-to-face with uncertainty. What is our client thinking or feeling? What is going on internally that we can’t access? That unknown can stir anxiety in us, prompting a reflex to fill the space—with words, assumptions, or interpretations—many of which may be inaccurate or fear-driven. Staying with the unknown, rather than rushing to fill it, is one of the most courageous acts in therapeutic work.

4. Absorbing our client’s discomfort: It’s not just therapists who struggle with silence—clients often do, too. And because we’re tuned into our clients, we may unconsciously absorb their discomfort. This emotional contagion can amplify our own unease, making the silence feel even more unbearable. Recognizing this dynamic allows us to pause, ground ourselves, and model a different relationship with silence—one that is spacious, compassionate, and curious.

How to Transform Silence Into a Therapeutic Tool

From my experience, our often uneasy relationship with silence can be transformed. In fact, with practice and intention, silence can become a powerful ally that supports our clients’ growth and deepens the therapeutic process. Here are some ways to work skillfully with silence:

1. Strengthen the therapeutic relationship. When people feel safe and connected, they can also feel comfortable being silent together. As trust builds between therapist and client, silence becomes less threatening and more containing. Be patient. Let the relationship develop naturally, and allow moments of silence to emerge organically within that growing connection.

2. Embrace silence as part of the healing process. When you notice silence in a session, let it be. Breathe into it. Observe your own internal response and notice your client’s response as well. Don’t treat silence like a hot potato that needs to be quickly tossed away. Instead, approach it gently, like a guest you want to treat kindly. Some clients may genuinely appreciate and even need the quiet space.

3. Be curious about the silence. When your client is quiet, give them space. But when the time feels right, you might gently inquire about their experience. I often ask, “What’s happening for you in this moment of silence?” or “Would you feel comfortable sharing what you’re thinking or feeling right now?” These gentle invitations can lead to deeper insight and connection.

4. Normalize silence as a therapeutic tool. It can be helpful to talk openly about silence with your clients. I often say, “Silence is a normal part of therapy—it can help us organize our thoughts, connect to ourselves, and feel grounded.” This validation can reduce anxiety and reframe silence as a meaningful part of the process.

5. Have a plan for silence. If silence feels especially uncomfortable for you or your client, it can help to have a plan. Simple grounding techniques—like placing a hand on the heart or stomach while focusing on the breath—can offer a sense of calm and control. Encouraging clients to name their discomfort can also reduce its intensity and give them agency in the moment.

6. Remember that silence can be active. Being present and attuned doesn’t always require words. Holding space in a compassionate, grounded, and sometimes silent way can be deeply therapeutic. If we can regulate ourselves and stay centered during silence, our clients are more likely to feel safe and supported in it as well.

Finding the Right Therapeutic Approach for You

While silence in psychotherapy is often experienced as uncomfortable—shaped by social norms and professional expectations—with practice, intention, and trust, it can become a powerful tool. When skillfully embraced, silence can deepen the therapeutic relationship and serve as a meaningful catalyst for healing and insight.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.