When They Call It Clingy and You Call It Closeness

“I don’t like feeling clung to or being pulled into spaces I don’t want to be in. I just don’t want that and never have.”

That’s what a former client told me after being pinned as emotionally unavailable by his partner.

As therapists, we get a front-row seat to the remarkable differences between people who share deep bonds but experience them through completely different lenses. One person feels swallowed whole by affection; the other feels starved without it.

Another client once said, “I feel like I’m at the beach being told I’m wrong for wanting to swim in the water. I enjoy connection—it’s how I breathe.”

Sound familiar?

Let’s clear something up: A 'clingy person' is not automatically a needy mess, and someone who values personal space isn’t necessarily cold or detached. One seeks closeness; the other values breathing room. Both can be perfectly healthy—until they start judging each other’s wiring.

Over 80 percent of my practice involves people seeking validation—proof that they’re not broken for wanting what they want.

After 25 years in the field, I’ve noticed that “clinginess” and “emotional unavailability” are like the Grand Canyon and Alaska—beautiful in their own ways, but not exactly next door. You can’t build a bridge between them without understanding what acceptance really means.

There are thousands of books on attachment theory, and many of them are excellent. But I’ve found that radical acceptance—sprinkled with a pinch of compromise—can be just as powerful.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you wave a magic wand and suddenly love everything about someone. As my Grandpa Hood used to say, “I never pick fights with reality—she always wins.”

Acceptance is making peace with reality.

We are all wired by our experiences—our emotional “motherboard” is formed by our upbringing, culture, and history. The little boy raised in a close-knit family that celebrated togetherness will likely crave connection as an adult. The little girl who learned that solitude kept her safe will likely value her independence. You can’t just “reprogram” wiring overnight. You can, however, stop judging it.

Carl Rogers said it best: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Acceptance releases tension. It helps us stop forcing someone to be something they’re not and frees us to appreciate who they are.

Here are five ways to practice acceptance when you and your partner are wired differently:

1. Stop slapping on labels.

Calling someone clingy, cold, or emotionally unavailable is like diagnosing a car for being a boat—it misses the point. The person who texts three times in a row isn’t desperate; they’re expressive. The one who takes a while to reply isn’t indifferent; they may just need to mentally recharge before connecting. Notice, don’t name-call.

2. Step out of your comfort zone.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you stop trying—it means you stretch wisely. If you’re the closeness-seeker, practice giving space. If you’re the space-seeker, initiate connection once in a while. Think of it as learning each other’s dance steps: it might be awkward at first, but the rhythm comes with time.

3. Find your relationship anchors.

Every relationship—romantic or otherwise—has anchors: the shared love of live music, a shared sense of humor, or that mutual obsession with The Antiques Road Show. These anchors keep you grounded when your differences start to rock the boat. Identify and nurture them.

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4. Stay grounded in reality.

Harsh truths become softer when faced head-on. You won’t get every need met by one person—no matter how much you care about each other. One of my clients desperately wanted his girlfriend to spend more time with his family. For her, that felt like an energetic invasion. The solution? He let that dream go. Now she joins the family a few times a year, and peace has been restored.

5. Be honest about your impact.

Your style affects your partner—period. The person who needs space might unintentionally trigger abandonment fears. The one who craves connection might unintentionally create pressure. Be honest about what your behaviors stir up in the other person. Awareness doesn’t fix everything, but it opens the door to empathy, and empathy changes the emotional climate.

At the end of the day, relationships between “clingy” and “cool” types don’t have to implode. They can work beautifully with humor, compassion, and a generous dose of acceptance.

After all, sometimes love is just two people learning to live on the same beach—one in the waves, the other on the sand—while both appreciate the view.