Acceptance on the Path to Healing From Neurotic Loops

This post was co-written by Marcia Gralha, MA. This is the fifth in a series of seven posts laying out how to break out of maladaptive cycles and move toward greater well-being.

The fact that negative things will happen to us is one of the few certainties that we can bank on. Indeed, it is the first of the Buddhist’s Four Noble Truths. Of course, with negative situations come negative feelings. A central point of this blog series is that the way we respond to negative feelings is central to our well-being. Unfortunately, many folks get trapped in a cycle of negativity, where negative events trigger negative feelings, which in turn trigger negative reactions. These negative reactions then become negative situations in themselves, thus creating a self-perpetuating neurotic loop.

CALM-MO is an integrative approach to psychological mindfulness that is structured to help folks reverse neurotic loops. The CALM acronym stands for curiosity, acceptance, loving compassion, and motivation toward valued goals, whereas the MO refers to a mindful, meta-observer position. Previously, we described curiosity; here we focus on acceptance.

A popular concept in psychotherapy, acceptance is also a core insight in the Buddhist tradition. This can be seen in the mythos of the Buddha. Siddhārtha Gautama was a sheltered prince who lived protected from the maladies of the world for many years. Upon venturing outside his palace life and witnessing the horrors of the world, he sought ways to control or escape the suffering, but to no avail. Ultimately, after years of deep meditation and contemplation, Siddhārtha “awakens” to the fact that it is his desire to control, avoid, or resist pain that is key to suffering. Buddha means the “awakened one” and a concise way to frame the central insight of Buddhism is that suffering emerges as a function of pain coupled with resistance, paired with ignorance or foolishness.

Acceptance versus the ABCs of neurotic loops

Reflecting upon the story of the Buddha, we can see acceptance of negative situations/feelings as being crucial to wise living. But what, exactly, do we mean by acceptance?

To see this clearly, we can frame acceptance as the opposite of resistance. This becomes clearer if we define resistance in a way that aligns with the formulation we have been offering for neurotic loops. As described in more detail here, the most common maladaptive reactions make up the ABCs of neurotic loops. These involve avoiding or denying feelings or situations, blaming ourselves, others, or the world, or trying to exert control in misguided ways. Here is how to use acceptance to counteract those reactions.

Acceptance versus avoidance. Although it makes sense in the short term, avoiding a distressing feeling for momentary relief only increases the salience of what is being averted. A common type of avoidance is getting busy or distracted to avoid an uncomfortable or stressful feeling, but avoidance can take up other forms. Dismissive attitudes such as “This will go away, do not worry about it” or “This feeling is stupid, I will only think positive thoughts” are also examples of avoidance. We can trick ourselves into defending our avoidance by brushing off our feelings as unjustified or misaligned with our values, but, many times, that is a rationalization to avert the uncomfortable experience of facing emotional pain.

Practicing acceptance means being open to understanding what one is feeling and being able to sit with those thoughts and feelings. Instead of denying or avoiding, pause and ask yourself: What does it mean that I am feeling this way? What does it say about me, those around me, and the situation I am in? In addition to being open and curious instead of closed or rejecting, acceptance of painful experiences requires a courageous commitment to both facing life as it is and cultivating well-being in the long term. Developing this capacity is not easy, especially for folks who have highly sensitive temperaments. As such, many folks need help developing skills to better tolerate distress, which is the focus of several popular approaches to psychotherapy.

Acceptance versus blame. A comforting belief is that the world is just, and that good things happen to good people. As such, when negative situations emerge, we often want to find the culprit and try to punish them so that the negative situation will not occur in the future. This orients us toward blaming ourselves, others, or the world. Although it is often wise to hold folks accountable for events, blame, especially when framed in absolute terms (e.g., “This happened either because I am broken or they are bad”) is often a form of foolishness that emerges out of resistance to negative events. A more productive and compassionate way to respond is to accept the existence of painful events and feelings as an inevitable thread in the fabric of life and orient our thinking and our actions toward our valued states of being.

Acceptance versus control. “I need to make this feeling go away.” “I have to stop reacting this way.” “I need to make them change.” “I need to do something about this situation.” A controlling attitude is a common response to negative situations because it can make a lot of sense. When we feel lousy, we want things to be different and may feel an urgency to change them. This urge becomes an issue when it is directed at things we cannot control, such as feelings we are already feeling or situations that have already happened. During stressful times, it can be difficult to practice acceptance, thus, tolerance of distress is an invaluable skill; if suffering is innate to living, learning how to relate to it is key.

Five ways to accept

Practicing acceptance in an effective way involves being clear about what you are accepting. Here, we propose five ways to practice acceptance:

1. Acceptance in the moment. Exercising tolerance of painful, distressing, and uncomfortable feelings affords us an opportunity to accept their existence in the moment they are experienced. Accepting the inevitability of the feeling that is already present in the moment is the first step in orienting our actions toward our valued states.
2. Acceptance in the long term. Along with accepting negative feelings in the here and now is the realization that they will continue to arise in the future. A helpful perspective when going through adversity is to see negative feelings as key pieces in your developmental process: They are part of your path toward your goals.
3. Acceptance of self. Accepting our reactions when they do not align with our ideal notion of self is challenging; however, acceptance does not preclude motivation to change. As human primates, our feelings simply make sense: They are either adaptive now (i.e., a reasonable response to a current negative situation) or have been adaptive in the past (i.e., the feeling was a reasonable response to a similar situation in our personal history). Thus, acceptance toward the self involves not only accepting present feelings but also our developmental past that influenced them. Lastly, it is part of the human condition to possess strengths and limitations, so acceptance of our shortcomings is part of our personal growth process.
4. Acceptance of others. When the actions of others cause us harm, intentionally or not, it is reasonable to acknowledge their fault, but ineffective to linger in a blaming mode. Akin to accepting our own maladaptive reactions with realistic compassion, we can extend acceptance to others as they navigate their own developmental processes. This functions to both exercise compassionate humility and foster our healing path to transcend adversity.
5. Acceptance of the world as it is. As stated in the beginning, suffering can be seen as an inherent feature of living in the world. In addition, as agreed by many, the state of our global society is dysfunctional in many ways, with crises ranging from the environment to public mental health. Although our personal lives may get impacted by the maladies of the world, much of large-scale problems are outside of our individual control. Accepting worldly hurdles means realistically approaching rather than avoiding the world’s limitations while transcending helpless frustration to move toward adaptive living.

In sum, as was discovered by the Buddha over 2500 years ago, much of suffering is a function of pain (i.e., negative situations that trigger negative feelings) times resistance (negative reactions). A central aspect of his awakening was the insight that acceptance was the key to reversing the cause of suffering.