Solving Constant Conflicts in Relationships

Source: Moshe Ratson

In every relationship, conflicts are inevitable. Some are minor disagreements, while others can escalate into intense confrontations. All couples have them — these problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face.

Dr. John Gottman highlights the need to distinguish between solvable and perpetual problems. According to research from the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship conflicts stem from perpetual problems, which are common in all couples. These issues arise from core differences, whether in personality traits or lifestyle preferences, that consistently trigger conflict.

Couples often focus on trying to resolve these difficult-to-solve problems, but the key lies in establishing a productive dialogue about them. Without effective communication, these conflicts can become gridlocked, leading to emotional disconnection in the relationship.

First, let me explain the difference between a solvable problem, a perpetual problem, and a gridlocked perpetual problem.

Solvable Problems

Solvable problems in relationships can involve issues like household chores, cleaning, parenting, child discipline, sex, or dealing with in-laws. What might be a solvable problem for one couple could be a perpetual issue for another, even if it involves the same topics. Solvable problems are typically situational, meaning the conflict revolves around a specific issue without deeper emotional or personal significance behind each partner's stance. These types of problems can usually be resolved with a solution that can be maintained over time.

Perpetual Problems

Perpetual problems arise from core differences in personality or lifestyle needs. Every couple faces these ongoing issues. While they may appear to be about the same topics as solvable problems in other relationships, perpetual problems differ because couples tend to revisit them repeatedly. Unlike solvable issues, these conflicts persist and resurface throughout the relationship.

Gridlocked Perpetual Problems

Gridlocked perpetual problems are recurring issues that have been poorly managed and have hardened into something difficult and uncomfortable. When couples attempt to address a gridlocked issue, it often feels like they are stuck in a cycle without making any progress. The key to gridlock is the presence of underlying, unspoken agendas that need to be uncovered and explored.

The key issue to realize is that what matters most is not solving perpetual problems, but rather the way in which they are discussed. The goal should be to establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with compassion, affection, and even humor and amusement. In that way, the couple learns to live and actively cope with the unresolvable problem rather than allowing it to fall into the condition of gridlock. Gridlocked discussions only lead to painful exchanges or icy silence, and almost always involve the "Four Horsemen" (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness).

Perpetual problems are often deeply rooted in personality differences, value systems, or life-long patterns that may not be easily resolved. As such, solving perpetual problems in relationships, especially in the context of marriage or family therapy, involves several important strategies.

Strategies for Dealing With Perpetual Problems

1. Encourage Acceptance and Acknowledgment

• Normalize the issue: Couples need to understand that it's common to have perpetual issues.
• Promote acceptance: Instead of focusing on trying to change the other person, individuals learn to accept the differences that might not ever fully align.

2. Shift the Focus to Managing, not Solving

• Manage the problem: Couples should move from the unrealistic expectation of solving a perpetual problem to managing it in a way that it no longer harms the relationship.
• Compromise and adapt: Couple needs to learn to "agree to disagree" on some points while focusing on finding workable compromises that suit both partners.

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3. Empathize, Communicate, and Repair

• Empathize and validate: Couples should listen empathetically and validate each other’s feelings without needing to agree with the content of their partner’s perspective.
• Non-defensive communication: Express concerns without blame or criticism, focusing on "I" statements rather than accusatory "You" statements.
• Make effort to repair: Encourage repair and foster the importance of humor, affection, or apology to diffuse tension and repair emotional wounds when disagreements escalate.

4. Cultivate Emotional Regulation

• Promote self-awareness: Encourage each other to recognize their emotional triggers and develop mindfulness or emotional regulation techniques to remain calm during conflict.
• Stay calm: Implement methods such as deep breathing, time-outs, or reflective listening to help de-escalate and regulate emotions before engaging in further discussion.

5. Find Meaning in the Conflict

• Explore underlying needs: Sometimes, a perpetual problem might reflect deeper unmet needs or values. By identifying those, couples can develop empathy for each other’s positions.
• Create shared life narratives: Explore how individual stories contribute to each person's views of the problem and work toward creating a shared narrative of understanding.

6. Reframe and Dialogue Constructively

• Reframe the conflict: Reframe the issue in a way that both partners see it as a challenge they can face together rather than an obstacle driving them apart.
• Build structured dialogue: Implement structured communication exercises to help couples explore the deeper meanings behind their conflicts.

Conclusion

When it comes to perpetual problems in intimate relationships, the goal is often less about changing the situation itself and more about changing how couples view the conflict and how they interact around the issue. It is more about fostering emotional closeness and maintaining loving relationships even amid unresolved differences.