Why It's Tough to Tell If You're Happily Married

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A 2022 study by Abreu-Afonso and team found that there is a clear roadmap to understanding why marriage is often full of ups and downs. This study focused on 330 adults aged 19 to 80 years old who were married or living together and discovered five predictors of the ebbs and flows of marital bliss.

1. Sharing the same values as your partner helps you connect better

The strongest indicator of marital bliss is being in a relationship with a partner who prioritizes the same things you do and is in the relationship because it feels meaningful and fulfilling – not for external reasons, such as financial stability or social expectations.

Partners likely to benefit from this are those who share the same cultural or religious background, those who work in similar fields, and those with the same moral focus.

What should you do if you and your partner aren't on the same page?

Whether it’s a weekly cooking class or an emphasis on time spent with the family, find common ground in the form of a new hobby or joint passion and make this a central point in your marriage. This can help refocus your attention on something that you both feel strongly about.

2. Expressing your emotions helps both partners feel loved

You may feel positive emotions towards your partner, but if you don’t express your feelings to your partner, then those warm and fuzzy feelings you have inside of you won’t get you very far.

It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of complaints rather than compliments. Thank your partner for the small things, whether it is helping to unpack the groceries or telling them that they look particularly attractive one day. These small niceties add up over time and make the other person feel more appreciated.

3. Fight fair

Arguments are normal in a romantic relationship, but it’s how you fight with your partner that really matters.

First, practice active listening. Active listening is when you take turns speaking without interrupting your partner, reflect on the content of what your partner has said, and validate your partner’s emotions – even if you don’t necessarily agree with your partner's perspective. For example, “I hear you saying that it makes you angry when I forget to take out the garbage. I’m sorry you feel that I do it on purpose. That must be really frustrating.”

Second, keep your own emotions in check. Pause before reacting to your partner’s words and stay calm and respectful in your responses. When you feel sad or angry, two emotions that are easily confused with each other, avoid screaming or snapping at your partner and instead take two deep breaths before you respond.

Third, use “I statements” about your emotional reactions. Rather than, “You never want to spend any time with me,” say, “I feel sad that you forgot our plans for date night.” Instead of, “You always leave me to do the chores in the house,” say, “It frustrates me that I did the laundry so much this month."

4. Couples who rely on flexibility report higher relationship satisfaction

The older our kids, research shows, the more things shouldn’t stay the same.

Couples can make changes concerning who is in charge of caregiving, finances, and the bulk of the emotional labor. Often, the primary caregiver when children are young is the parent who spends more time with the child due to childbirth or maternity-paternity leave. As children age, this dynamic often shifts, and happy couples shift with it, with both partners taking on different tasks of child-rearing.

What worked to keep a relationship happy with small children, such as spending time mostly as a family, may not work with older children whose independence allows for the couple to spend more time together alone.

5. It’s perfectly normal if your marriage is struggling while raising young children or teenagers

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During children’s early years, parents are often plagued by fears and uncertainties about doing the “right thing” for their offspring, and the same is true of teenage years.

Marital satisfaction tends to improve later, as small children turn into adults. Young, needy kids or obstinate, frustrated teenagers are temporary. But don’t read this as permission to neglect your marriage and sex life while you’re waiting for your kids to grow up.

Conclusion

No one ever said relationships are easy, and anyone who did is clearly misguided. This roadmap may make it easier to spot potential hills and valleys before you and adjust your relationship coping skills accordingly.

The strongest predictor of marital bliss is being in a relationship with a partner who prioritizes the same things as you do.

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