The Hidden Cost of Happiness

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At some point in our lives, most of us have been told to "put on a happy face" or "fake it 'til you make it." But it may be detrimental to pretend to be happy when you're not.

The more people value happiness, the more unhappy they are

A 2024 study by Zerwas, et al. surveyed 1,800 people about their level of happiness and their desire to be happy. It turns out the more you want to be happy, the more disappointed you may actually feel.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.

(Phew!)

But you may run into trouble when you judge yourself for wanting happiness more than you appreciate the authentic moments of happiness that come to you naturally, like spontaneous laughter with friends or happening across a beautiful sunrise.

If you find yourself putting pressure on yourself to feel as happy as someone else appears to be, this can take a toll on your overall well-being. Comparing yourself to someone else is linked to more negative emotions and a negative impact on your own well-being.

Focusing on your concerns about not being happy, or not being happy enough, may lead you to overanalyze a situation to such an extent that it sucks out the joy of the moment.

Second-guessing yourself to see if you are happy enough may plant a seed of doubt and vulnerability that is likely to result in anxiety and disappointment. This "why can't I be as happy as they are" mentality makes you focus on the negatives rather than the positives.

Be careful not to overthink your moments of joy.

Happiness is experiencing the emotions that feel right, regardless of whether they feel good

A 2017 study by Tamir et al surveyed 2,324 college students from eight different countries to determine whether happiness comes from experiencing positive emotions such as being loved, valued, or cared for, or whether happiness comes from experiencing emotions that align with your personal values and goals—even if these emotions are unpleasant.

The results found that experiencing the emotions that you want to feel is a stronger predictor of happiness than experiencing pleasant emotions in general, even if you're experiencing unpleasant emotions such as anger or indignation.

You see, happiness is about the realness of your emotions. And we are happiest when we experience the emotions that fall in line with our values and goals, even if we are feeling a negative emotion in the moment.

An example of this would be someone who feels angry at the injustice in the world. The emotion of anger doesn’t give you the warm fuzzies when you feel it, but because the emotion is sincere, it may make you feel more satisfied -- especially if other people feel that emotion, too.

Faking it at work doesn't work

A 2011 study by Hulsheger & Schewe found that when people fake emotions to try to meet professional or social expectations (also known as surface acting), they experience a higher level of stress and a greater likelihood of burnout.

Surface acting has been linked to lower job satisfaction, feelings of detachment, and emotional exhaustion.

If you’re not loving your job and you have decided to just wait it out and hope that things get better, consider taking a more active role in your happiness.

First, make a list of your absolute job needs, including minimum salary and qualifications. Then, identify your wants, which are secondary to your needs. An example of this may be room for growth within six months or a friendly work environment.

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If you can distinguish your needs from your wants, you have a better chance of figuring out what can make you happy in both the long and short-term future.

Faking happiness may negatively affect some people more than others

A 2020 study by Cancino-Montecinos et al found that some people who pretend to be happy while they are not may experience a conflict called cognitive dissonance, which occurs when your actions conflict with your beliefs or emotions.

For example, imagine telling yourself that carrot sticks will make you just as happy even though you are craving a chocolate milkshake. This can create tension, which leads to emotional confusion and possibly regret in your actions, regardless of whether you chose the yummy chocolate milkshake or the healthy, crunchy carrot sticks.

Cognitive dissonance is more likely to occur in individuals who also report symptoms of anxiety, sadness, irritability, and self-doubt. It can also negatively affect your ability to make clear decisions and to regulate your emotions.

Instead, try to shy away from black and white thinking that results in classifying some things as "bad" and others as "good." Most things are fine in moderation and emotional honesty is a clearer path to happiness.

In Conclusion

Although happiness is certainly something most of us wish to aspire to, it is important to set achievable, realistic goals about what would make you happy, rather than comparing yourself to others.