Should You Celebrate the Anniversary of a Bad Day?

You meet. You fall in love. You get married.

But if your wedding isn't the fun hang you envisioned, should all future anniversary celebrations go kaput? And if you're not looking forward to your anniversary, is your marriage doomed?

Not necessarily.

1. You can't buy happiness

According to the latest reports, the average couple spends somewhere between $30,000 to $45,000 on a wedding—but is it worth it?

A 2014 study by Francis and Mialon surveyed 3,000 heterosexual U.S. residents who were currently or formerly married and the amount of money that had been spent on wedding expenditures. Researchers then delved into the question of whether money spent on wedding expenditures—including the engagement ring—was related to the success of the marriage.

The results?

The size of the diamond isn't an indication of how long a marriage will last.

Wedded bliss doesn't always come with a blissful wedding day.

Source: Nduwa Siachaba / Pexels

For men who spent $2,000 to $4,000 (roughly $3,000 to $5,000 today) on an engagement ring, the likelihood of getting divorced increased by 1.3 percent compared to those who spent less than $2,000.

And what about wedding expenses? For men, spending less than $1,000 on a wedding increases the likelihood of marital success.

For women, spending more than $20,000 on a wedding increased the likelihood of divorce by 1.6 percent.

The length of the marriage is not related to the amount of money spent on securing nuptials. In short: Money can't buy you love.

2. We remember the bad more than the good

No wedding is perfect, but what happens if a couple's first anniversary comes around and all he can remember is his bride's unexpected panic attack, and all she can remember is him drinking too much on their wedding night?

A 2003 study by Walker, Skowronski, and Thompson found that although people typically recall more positive events, negative emotions like sadness and anger tend to fade more slowly over time. This can make the bad experiences feel more important.

3. The gender effect

A 2013 study by Qi Wang found that women recall more detailed and socially oriented event memories than men. Sixty college-aged participants were sent a text message three times a day for a week and were asked to record what had happened in the 30 minutes before they received this text. At the end of the week, they were given a surprise "pop quiz" in which they were asked to remember as much as they could about the events they had reported.

When asked to record events, women gave much more detailed reports. When asked to recall the events they had recorded initially, women's memory was more accurate and detailed with high-intensity emotions.

This supports a much earlier study by Loftus et al. that found that women tend to focus on social and emotional aspects of past events, while men are more about the facts. Men are more likely to remember factual events, while women are more likely to remember how they felt about the events that had occurred.

4. Shared celebrations help sustain marriages

Psychologist John Gottman has long touted the importance of rituals such as celebrating shared events like anniversaries and birthdays with loved ones to contribute to healthy marital relationships. Gottman's research indicates that celebrating important anniversaries can help a couple reconnect over a shared identity in the past and present and can help struggling couples envision a better future.

5. The Anniversary Effect

The "anniversary effect" refers to the experience of reliving heightened emotions around the anniversary of an event that may evoke traumatic experiences. For example, trauma anniversaries can cause flashbacks or feelings of anxiety and grief.

Similarly, if your wedding day is filled with unanticipated stressors and disappointments, the following years of anniversary celebrations may very well echo disturbing memories from this day.

Conclusion

Although no wedding is perfect, it is important to examine your wedding—and your marriage—as a whole, and not merely the effect of 24 hours of what was supposed to be the sum total of wedded bliss.

• Focus on what went right as opposed to what went wrong. Remember the look in his eye when he saw you walk down the aisle or the special touches at the wedding that were a nod to your history with your partner.
• Journal your feelings, without judgment. Sometimes it can help to put our feelings into words.
• Acknowledge and validate your feelings—and your partner's as well. Don't minimize disappointments about the wedding day and fears of how this one day may seem overwhelming in this one moment.