How to Stop Having the Same Arguments With Your Partner

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Arguments with our partners are inevitable. But sometimes the same ones crop up over and over…and over again. There are many reasons we keep having the same arguments with our partners. Unhealed childhood wounds, irreconcilable differences between ourselves and a mate; and deficits in our communication, problem solving, and emotion regulation skills are just a few of them.

Regardless of the reason, we can all benefit from several concrete strategies that help recurring arguments move more swiftly (and less painfully) towards resolution and repair. Below is a look at six tricks to salvage your relationship from the havoc recurrent toxic communication patterns can wreak.

1. Take responsibility

When a partner voices frustration with something we’ve done, defensiveness can be a ready knee-jerk response. It hurts to be accused, especially wrongly. But being defensive can make our partner feel even more invalidated, unheard and frustrated than they likely do already. Even if you don’t agree with what your partner is saying, it can make a world of difference to take a tiny kernel of responsibility for something you’re partner is complaining about. For example, “You’re right, I do tend to be pretty messy and I know that makes things more stressful for you.” This communicates yielding and understanding to your partner, and can quickly disarm them. Chances are, they’ll become a bit less accusative and possibly more open to your perspective in response.

2. Entertain the idea of "two rights"

Rare is the person who doesn’t feel inclined to insist they’re right when fighting. You very well may be. But consider this: Your partner may also be right as well. This baffling idea from Gottman Method couples therapy can help partners relax into a more productive back and forth. Example: One partner can be “right” that they felt insulted while the other partner can also be “right” that they objectively didn’t say (perhaps didn’t even intend) to insult the former. When we cling to the insistence of being the only right one in the room, we convey to our partner that their perspective is wrong. This shuts down productive communication and makes us come off as more threatening than we may actually be. Holding space for “two rights” helps couples shift attention away from a fictitious zero-sum game of right versus wrong towards resolving underlying hurt feelings and unmet needs.

3. Swap criticism and contempt for a “gentle start-up”

Another key tactic from Gottman, the gentle start-up is a great antidote to scathing and inflammatory communication. Instead of lighting into your partner for their flaws, consider phrasing your grievances with the following template: “I feel _____ about/that ______; I need _______.” Example: instead of “You’re never on time and you always leave me holding the bag! I’ve had enough of you!” try “I feel frustrated and disregarded when you’re not on time. I need you to figure out a way to leave when we agree you will.” This may not instantly change the problem behavior your partner’s engaging in, but it does set the stage for more productive problem solving by preventing your partner from feeling attacked and shutting down or feeling the need to defend themselves (and thus not take in your very valid points).

4. Reflect back what your partner is saying

Taking a moment to paraphrase back to your partner what they’ve said about their thoughts and feelings helps them feel heard and seen. When they do, they’ll most likely soften. This can be challenging when a partner is sharing something they dislike about you or your behavior. But it slows down an argument, forces you to listen, and demonstrates to your partner that you’re making an effort to consider their point of view. Once you've modeled this for them, they’re more apt to do the same for you. And that feels so much better for all parties involved. Example: "You're not feeling prioritized lately and that makes you think you don't matter as much to me as you once did. That must feel pretty painful." (That's it. No defending yourself!)

5. Take 20

Recurring arguments can be highly emotionally activating, so it’s not unusual that one or both partners tips into a fight, flight, or even a freeze response during them. Once your nervous system is dysregulated, good luck having a constructive dialog. Instead of escalating or circling around the same points until your voice is hoarse and you’re ready to throw something, call a time out of at least 20 minutes. This can help you and your mate physiologically recalibrate. Twenty minutes is a decent amount of time for your heart rate, blood pressure, and general levels of ire to come down to a more sustainable level.

The Gottmans discovered this magic number when prompting couples in a lab to discuss a conflict, then, when the discussion got heated, having a confederate interrupt the session alleging a technical problem with the recording equipment. Couples were asked to read and not talk to one another in a temporary waiting room. Twenty minutes later, upon resuming the discussion, couples communicated with more care, listened more attentively, and expressed greater empathy.

6. Acknowledge

In the midst of a dispute, it can seem outlandish to compliment your partner or acknowledge something they’ve done that you’ve appreciated or benefitted from. But this can drastically shift the tides of an argument towards more receptivity and warmth. Acknowledging, affirming, or complimenting your partner even when tensions are high tends to elicit more positive emotions from both partners by helping the acknowledger remember their partner isn’t all bad and surprising the receiver with an olive branch—and evidence their partner still appreciates (and really sees) them after all.

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The through-line of these tactics is a subtextual communication to your partner (and their nervous system) that you're not a threat and that you're on their team, not against them. These strategies can make a significant difference in even the most repetitive of arguments.

Of course, if your partner still doesn’t budge or you’re finding it impossible to enact these techniques, it's worth considering couples therapy. Getting more direct guidance on how to implement these and other communication skills, as well as obtaining a third-party mediator who can facilitate longer-term healing and conflict resolution, may be more necessary for some of us—and that’s nothing to be ashamed about.