What Not to Say to Someone Dealing With a Loss

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We all face loss. As caring bystanders, we may not know how to respond, help, or approach those who are grieving. We're worried we'll say the wrong thing and upset the grieving person—but, therefore, we may end up doing nothing at all.

Here is a helpful guide to support those facing loss:

What Not to Do

• Refrain from unsolicited advice. Instead of saying, You should really… or, a friend of mine did this…, try: I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. It must be very difficult.
• Don’t hijack their story with yours. Though it feels like you are conveying understanding and empathy, it can easily overwhelm someone who is grieving.
• Don't rush them. Grief takes time and changes people. Being pressured to “get back to normal” makes it much more painful.
• Don't say I know what you are going through. Even if you have a similar story, you don't know their personal pain.
• Don't disappear after the funeral is over. Many people attend the funeral, check in for a few weeks, and assume life goes back to normal. In actuality, it often doesn't hit us that a loved one is gone until the shock has worn off and the funeral is long over. That is when grievers really need support.
• Don’t avoid saying the name of the person who died. This is especially true for a parent whose child has died: They can feel that it’s their job to keep their child’s memory alive and love to hear the child’s name spoken aloud.
• Refrain from platitudes such as, God has a plan (grievers don’t like this part of the plan), Now there’s another flower in heaven, or At least you have another child. Better to say nothing at all.
• Don’t avoid eye contact or ignore the person. If you are unsure how to handle an interaction, simply make eye contact, nod, and acknowledge them.

What You Can Do

• Ask permission. This is a respectful way to let the griever know you are interested in helping and hearing their story if they are ready. I'm so sorry. Would you like to tell me about it? May I give you a hug? Would it be OK if I picked up a few items at the grocery store while I am there?
• Ask How is today going for you? or How are you today? (instead of How are you doing?). And then allow space for the answer. Today might be a rough day and they need to know you are willing to hear about it.
• Share your memories of the person who died. Those who are grieving enjoy stories about their loved one.
• Allow for various grief responses. Everyone has a unique and personal way to process grief, which might be quite different from yours.
• Offer specific help with a choice. I’d like to do something for you. I was thinking of picking up the kids or sending over a meal (Home cooked or from your favorite restaurant? Which day? What time?). Grievers sometimes need encouragement to accept help and can be overwhelmed with decisions. Giving them a choice helps narrow it down while meeting their needs.
• Continue checking in long after the funeral. Periodic reaching out is comforting, as the griever can fear both their loved one and themselves being forgotten. Each week for 12 weeks mail a simple note card with a few words of inspiration, encouragement, or comfort. This can be as simple as I’m thinking of you or a hopeful quote.
• If you’re unsure if it’s okay to check in, ask. Hey, is it okay if I message you when I think of you? If the answer is yes, send a message every time: I was just thinking of you (or your loved one). Tell me a story about her.
• Chip in with a few friends and offer to have their house professionally cleaned. Those who are grieving can find it challenging to complete daily tasks.
• It’s okay to be silent. Simply placing your hand on the griever's arm or standing alongside them can be incredibly powerful. Helpers feel like we want to do more, but don’t underestimate the gift of your presence.

Special thanks to Anita Swartley, grief coach and founder of Mosaic Restorative Coaching, and Kristin Kane Ford, founder of the Kellan Ford Foundation. Both have lost children to illness and are on a mission to help others navigate grief. On the Therapeutic Perspective Podcast, these two women share their inspirational, messy, heart-wrenching, yet hopeful stories and offer practical advice on the best ways to walk alongside those who are grieving.

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