How Do You Cope With a Breakup?

As we are all painfully aware, many intimate relationships break down and individuals struggle to cope with the ending of relationships that they hoped would have the potential to last a long time. People of all genders have all kinds of ways of coping with the ending of these relationships. Some are positive and helpful and may even lead to personal growth while others may lead to significant levels of anxiety and depression.

In an effort to clearly identify coping strategies most likely to be used following breakups, Apostolu et al. conducted two studies. In the first, 118 Greek-speaking individuals, both male and female, were asked to identify the ways in which they would end an intimate relationship. This data revealed several distinct acts and strategies that were most commonly used.

Given the level of emotional pain post-breakup that I witness in my office, I was surprised at the high number of positive coping strategies which were endorsed, including:

• working on self-improvement
• focusing on positive reframing, which was characterized by seeing the ending of the relationship as an opportunity to find a more suitable partner
• starting a new hobby
• focusing on staying busy so that the breakup is not the main focus

I was not, however, surprised at some of the other behaviors endorsed, which included seeking social support from friends and family. While this can be a positive coping strategy, it can also reinforce obsessional talk about the ending of the relationship. Friends and family should, of course, be available so that the individual doesn't become socially withdrawn, and to provide love and support, but there should also be a point at which the support group encourages moving on from the relationship and engaging in self-care.

On the other hand, I was not surprised at the strategies endorsed that increase depression and anxiety including attempts to win the person back. This usually involves attempts to convince the former partner that things can be different and unfortunately often includes following the ex on all forms of social media to see if he/she has found a new partner. The use of alcohol and casual sex was also not a surprise. I often see people who attempt to deal with a breakup by engaging in self-destructive strategies which is frequently the presenting problem in psychotherapy.

In the second study, 528 Greek-speaking male and female individuals were presented with the above acts and asked how likely they were to use them as a way of dealing with the termination of an intimate relationship. The study found that the most commonly used strategy was focusing on things other than the relationship. Other frequently used strategies included seeking support and social withdrawal. Many participants reported engaging in disassociation (erasing the ex's contact information, or blocking them on social media). Reframing the breakup in a more positive manner was also a frequently used strategy. Examples of this would include telling yourself that the relationship was not the right choice and that you should and will seek a better relationship where you and your new partner are more temperamentally suited. The use of substances and engaging in casual sex were the least frequently used main strategies. A majority of the participants expressed being willing to use more than one strategy. There were statistically significant differences between the sexes with females being more willing to seek social support and males being more likely to engage in sex and substances.

The implications of the present study are important both for those experiencing the end of a desired relationship and for their therapists. Encouragement to engage in coping strategies that reduce stress is crucial. Consider relying on your social support system, keeping busy by focusing on things other than the relationship, and thinking of the breakup as an opportunity to redefine what works for you in a relationship. Social withdrawal and substance use will only make the breakup, and your life, more emotionally painful. This study has limitations in that it was based on self-report rather than on what people are doing in real time. Additionally, coping strategy use may vary across cultures. Finally, different strategies may work differently for those with differing temperaments and personality styles.