Are They Breaking Up With You?

Few things are as painful as being blindsided by a breakup, or even delivering the news that you want to break up with someone with whom you have been in an intimate relationship. The pain is compounded when you're broken up with in a direct and hurtful manner. Yet if the person you're in a relationship with communicates in a less-than-direct manner, it may be difficult to decipher if you are being broken up with at all.

In a recent study (Apostolou and Kagialis, 2025), researchers identified the most common breakup strategies, some of which were more aversive than others. This invaluable research may guide clinicians working with relationship breakups and may also provide breakup advice to both those breaking up with others and those who are being broken up with.

In an attempt to identify the most frequent ways that people break up with others, Apostolou and Kagialis conducted two studies. In Study 1, 228 Greek-speaking individuals were asked how they would end a romantic relationship if they were dissatisfied. The researchers identified 45 reactions, which included:

• Being cold and distant
• Slowly drifting away
• Behaving in a way that would make the partner aware that an ending was desired
• Creating tension and arguments
• Suggesting that they would be better off going their separate ways
• Telling him/her that the relationship has no future
• Suggesting that you are a friend at this point rather than an intimate partner
• Break up by text or email
• Call to break up
• Ask a mutual friend to tell your partner that you desire a breakup
• Share the reasons why you want a breakup
• Get partner's opinion about breakup
• Discuss in person
• Ghosting
• Leave suddenly without warning
• Cut off all contact
• Take the blame
• Explain that your feelings have changed
• Tell the partner that they are also at fault
• Tell your partner that you have cheated
• Express interest in someone else
• State that it would be better to take a pause to reevaluate feelings

Study 2, which involved 392 Greek-speaking participants, was conducted in an effort to create categories of behavior for the 45 strategies identified in Study 1. The results of the second study found three main breakup strategies. The most frequent was "Softening the Blow," which was an attempt to take responsibility for the breakup while also explaining why it would be good for both partners. The second most common strategy was "Take a Break," which meant asking for time apart to reevaluate feelings. The third and least preferred strategy was "Avoid Confrontation," which was characterized by fading away without explaining the reasons.

As stated earlier, breaking up or being broken up with is always painful, but thankfully most individuals attempted to soften the blow. Interestingly, men and women tended to use similar strategies to break up, although women were a bit more likely to become cold and distant.

Clearly, there were limitations in the studies. The data was based on self-report and may be somewhat inaccurate. The studies were carried out in Greece, and the results may differ in other cultural contexts. Future research should take into account the length and intensity of the relationships and consider additional partner characteristics, particularly of those being broken up with. Nonetheless, the above findings might provide insight into how to go about breaking up in a kind and gentle manner.

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