"I Hate My Mother-in-Law"

Dear Dr. G.,

I am running up against a problem that is straining my marriage and giving me incredible anxiety. I tend to be a high-strung person as it is but I am sort of losing my ability to control my emotions even more when I have to interact with my mother-in-law. When I first met my mother-in-law, I was hopeful that I would have a nice relationship with her. She was kind and generous and welcomed me into her family. At least, I thought things were going well.

Let's fast forward to where we are now, which is three years into the marriage. I have an 11-month-old daughter and my husband and I are so happy to have her. I believe the problems between me and my mother-in-law developed after the baby was born. My mother-in-law feels that I coddle the baby too much. She says that I should let the baby cry herself to sleep and that crying is healthy for the lungs. She also disapproves openly about breastfeeding. She says that all three of her kids were bottle-fed and that they turned out healthy. She says that breastfeeding creates kids who have trouble soothing themselves.

I have spoken to my husband about this. He says that his mother means well and that I shouldn't see her comments as criticism but instead as her attempt to be helpful. My own mother agrees with my husband. I feel alone and unsupported and really mad at my mother but particularly at my husband. Shouldn't he be sticking up for me and telling his mother to back-off?

I need some guidance. My mother-in-law lives close to us and she visits a lot. Please help before I ruin my marriage. Thank you.

A Stressed Daughter-in-Law

My response:

I am so sorry that your relationship with your mother-in-law is causing you so much anxiety. Relationships with in-laws can be difficult, particularly when there are different parenting styles at play. Many individuals have strained relationships with their in-laws, particularly when it comes to advice about raising children. I know that you would like your husband to pick a side but that, too, is not healthy for your marriage. You can ask your husband to explain to his mom that she is being a bit harsh with you. There is a chance that she is not attempting to criticize you, even though it sure feels that way. You can also try a different style with your mother-in-law. Perhaps you can, as calmly as possible, explain to her that many mothers have different parenting styles. You can also choose to let some of her comments go and not respond. Not every bit of advice needs to responded to.

Nonetheless, these mother and daughter-in-law relationships can also offer lots of support. Your husband has gotten used to his mother's style and he might be able to give you tips about how to interact most effectively with her. Try speaking to your mother-in-law about topics that are interesting and fun and try to avoid lots of talk about the baby. Remember that this woman is your husband's mom and it would be best for everyone to live in harmony. Since your mother-in-law lives close, she might become part of your support team. Stranger things have happened. Trust me.

Dr. G.