6 Reasons Why Stepkids May Dislike Their Stepparents

I received the following letter from a reader:

Dear Dr. G.,

I think I am out of my league here. I need your professional advice. My friends are unable to help me because they have or are currently struggling with this same issue. Let me give you a bit of history: I have two kids. My son is a 16-year-old high school junior and my daughter is a 13-year-old 8th-grader. I got divorced from their father five years ago after finding out that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker who he ultimately broke up with. From what I understand, my ex dates but told the kids that he doesn't plan on getting married again. Despite a painful and heartbreaking divorce, I now have a working relationship with my ex and we talk about the kids frequently. The children see their father on Tuesday nights and every other weekend. They seem to adore their father. He takes them on fun trips and to concerts. He also takes them to see his parents and their cousins. I am happy that all of these relationships seem to be going well. I know that we all benefit from lots of emotional and social support. Just for the record, I was a psychology major in college but am working in sales at this point.

Here is my current problem. I started dating a man about a year ago. He was married for a few years when he was in his thirties but never had children. I introduced him to the kids after 6 months of dating. I knew he was the one. He was kind, fun, and very stable and attentive. The kids seemed to be a bit disinterested in him at first but I assumed that they would start to get close with him after we moved in together. Fast forward to now. We are all living together and we are planning to get married in the Fall. My kids have still not warmed up to my fiance despite his attempts to talk to them frequently, go to their sports games, and be an influential person in their lives. He is aware that they have a good relationship with their father and he is not trying to replace their father. He also knows that in my home, we do not speak negatively about their father.

I am worried that the children will never like him and that this will also negatively affect my relationship with them. Since he has moved in the kids seem a little mad at me and keep more distance from me. I am scared. Please advise.

Dear Mother,

I understand your concerns and introducing a new partner is always difficult. There are many reasons why:

1. Kids almost always secretly or not-so-secretly have hopes and fantasies that their parents will reconcile. In your case, your kids now know that that will never be a reality: You have a new partner.
2. Your fiance may be viewed in part as an intruder who takes much of your attention away from them. Of course, you need to attend to your fiance but your kids are likely used to getting most of your attention.
3. Your children may feel that connection with this new man in your life is a betrayal to their biological father. Kids tell me this all the time in the privacy of my office.
4. Your kids have already experienced a loss: Their family broke up and their father no longer lives with them. They may be afraid of getting attached to a new adult and experiencing another loss.
5. The children are unsure what to expect. It is unclear to them what role their stepfather-to-be will play in their lives. They don't yet know if he will want to be seen as a second father or perhaps as a kind uncle who makes their mother happy. They are confused and unsure. This situation is new to all of you.
6. Sometimes stepparents and stepparents-to-be move too quickly and try to establish relationships too quickly. Everyone needs time here.

There is a silver lining here: Things do tend to settle down over time. My best advice is for stepparents to move very slowly and respectfully into the lives of their stepchildren. Don't push too hard. Be kind and pleasant but don't overwhelm the kids. They and you need time to adjust to the new situation. Patience is crucial here. And, as the mother, make sure that you are attending to the kids so that they don't feel like they are losing you.

Please show the above to stepparents everywhere so that there is a better understanding of what happens in stepfamilies.