4 Reasons Why a Kid Becomes Their Parent's Favorite

I hear about this in so many conversations and therapy sessions. Many parents explain why they have a favorite child. Other parents complain that their partner has a favorite child and that they do not. Children of all ages and adults as well explain their perception of family dynamics and are often frustrated that their parents favor one of their siblings no matter how hard they try. Sometimes favoritism is very obvious and at other times it is more subtle. Don't be fooled though. Parents do have favorites. It is important to take note of this and adjust your behavior accordingly. The goal should be to value the different traits of each child. Preferential treatment is problematic. Less favored children tend to have a harder time in life. Of course, the directionality is unclear. Perhaps the more difficult children receive different treatment because of how they act rather than vice versa.

We all have our personal opinions about which children are favored. I often hear people say that boys are easier to raise than girls although I see no evidence to support this. Others suggest that parents prefer popular kids, particularly if they were not popular as children and adolescents. Yet others suggest that we get along better with our kids who are most similar to us or who don't remind us of our exes. It is certainly hard for parents to interact effortlessly with children who look like and act like exes who are problematic to deal with. This is not the child's fault, but in many instances, they pay dearly for the similarity. Parents occasionally remind the child of this similarity in the middle of an argument—and regret it. It is crucial to remember that your child is not your ex despite possible similarities. And at times, children may take turns being favorites. There are many questions about favoritism.

In a bold effort to address questions about favoritism, Jensen and Jorgensen-Wells (2025) embarked on an analysis of 30 peer-reviewed journal articles and dissertations/theses and 14 other sources of information. They examined the data of all of these studies in an effort to sort out the reasons for favoritism. The data included 19,469 participants. The researchers sought to study the links between favoritism and factors including birth order, gender, temperament, and personality. For clarity, temperament included being more or less difficult to comfort and level of negative affect. The thinking here was that certain temperaments may be easier and may thus lead to favoritism. Consider the infant who cries constantly despite a parent's best attempts at soothing. Perhaps this will impact how a parent feels about this child. On the other hand, the child may have enough other positive qualities to nevertheless be a favorite.

The examination of the relationship between personality and favoritism was especially intriguing. Specifically, the researchers looked at the relationship between the Big Five personality traits—openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism—and favoritism.

The results of these analyses may surprise you. When favoritism was based on giving the children autonomy and control, both mothers and fathers tended to favor older siblings. Parents also tended to favor daughters. Surprisingly, there was no relationship between parental differential treatment and temperament. Finally, of the personality characteristics examined, conscientiousness and agreeableness were associated with favoritism.

There are many takeaways from these results. First, parents and guardians need to be aware that there is a very real tendency to favor certain children. Secondly, knowing this, there is an opportunity to be mindful of this and adjust your behavior. Perhaps if less favored children are treated differently they may become more agreeable and conscientious. We should pay attention to child effects on parental behavior as well as parental effects on child behavior.

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