Sibling Relationships and Prince Harry's New Book

Spare, Prince Harry's book, appears to be among the fastest-selling nonfiction books of all time. Just about everyone is either reading it or refusing to read it. Yes, many are reading it because they are fascinated by the monarchy and delighted that Harry is revealing secrets. After all, who doesn't like a good scandalous book? This, coupled with a focus on sibling relationships, is stirring up the masses. Literally. Among those reading it, there is much discussion about the relationship between Harry and William and how it reflects their own sibling relationships. There is a group of people who feel empathy for Harry and his role as a "spare," and there are those who see him as a whiny, entitled rich kid. Those who are not reading it also have much to say. They are passionate about their reasons for not reading it. I have heard voracious readers say that they are just not interested in his side of the story and that they would prefer to hear what his older brother, William, has to say. Others say that Harry should work out his issues privately, not in the public eye.

Ultimately, what I am seeing is that this book is a Rorschach test for those weighing in on it. Both readers and non-readers are projecting their own sibling experiences onto it. In at least one book club that I am aware of, many readers are praising Prince Harry for taking a risk and being open about his feelings despite the possible emotional cost. Some are feeling that they, like Harry, are not understood and emotionally validated or supported by their siblings. Still others feel that what happens between siblings should remain private and treated as privileged and confidential material. In other words, what happens in the family stays in the family.

I am extremely grateful to Prince Harry for writing this book. Sibling relationships can be sources of joy as well as sources of the deepest pain and disappointment. Consider how many people feel despair and confusion when they are cut off by siblings. These estrangements are incredibly frustrating and confusing, particularly when seen through the lenses of different family members.

So where should we go with this book? How can we benefit? My suggestion is that we take a good hard look at our relationships with our siblings. Consider asking yourselves the following questions in an attempt to better understand your family dynamics; self-awareness is always helpful.

1. Ask yourself how you would best describe your relationship with your sibling. If you have more than one sibling then repeat the question for each one. You will see that each relationship is different. Some are characterized by lightheartedness while others are fraught with anxiety and fear about when the next shoe will drop. This is particularly scary when your sibling has a closet full of shoes.

2. Then, ask yourself what your role is in each relationship. How have you treated each sibling? Have you been consistent, available, and kind? Why or why not?

3. Have you attempted to speak openly, if gingerly, about sensitive topics or do you prefer to avoid the uber-reactive siblings? Do you want to reconsider your style? Would you like to attempt to engage in a different style of discussion? Maybe that would serve you well. On the other hand, you might not want to reach out and unleash the rage of your toxic brother or sister; I understand that there is only so much negativity that we can each tolerate.

4. Have you considered the influence of your parents on the quality of your relationships? Have your parents pitted you against each other? Have they encouraged relentless competition? If so, then maybe you can each acknowledge this and then change the nature of the relationship moving forward? Maybe this will lead to moving on with each other rather than away and in different directions.

5. Have your relationships with your siblings impacted your relationships with others? Have they served as a template for relationships with peers, colleagues, etc? Are you recreating them in other arenas of your life? If the answer is yes, you may want to see what you are doing that is both positive and negative.