What Makes My Teen Daughter Boring?

Dear Dr. G.,

It really distresses me to think about this issue, but I need help for my teen daughter, a freshman in high school. I'll call my daughter Olivia for this letter. Olivia is the oldest of my three children. I have three girls, and Olivia seems to have the most social problems.

I wondered why Olivia gets very few invitations to spend time with peers after school. She is on the soccer team, but the girls seem to leave Olivia out when they speak and make plans. I am very good friends with some of the high-school mothers, so I decided to ask the one that I am closest with why Olivia gets left out.

This woman also has a daughter on the soccer team. She said she overheard one of the girls say that Olivia was "boring." This really hurt. I don't particularly experience Olivia as boring, but we have a mother-daughter relationship, not a peer relationship. Growing up, Olivia always had a few friends but was never extremely popular.

I spoke to Olivia this week and, of course, did not share the feedback that she is experienced as boring. I asked her how she was doing with her friends. She said that she often feels left out. She likes her school and her classes but feels like she is ignored.

She shared that she tries to join social interactions but that this is frustrating because she continues to get ignored. I feel so sorry for Olivia. Please advise me on how to help her. I want her to have friends, be happy, and not be perceived as boring.

— A Distraught Mother

Dear Distraught Mother,

I admire you for reaching out to both your friend and me to get feedback about your daughter. This was very brave.

Boring may mean many things. Perhaps Olivia is actually low energy and not interesting to her peers. It seems that this may be somewhat of a new behavior since you said that before high school, Olivia had friends despite not being popular. Let's agree, though, that popularity is not the goal here. Sadly, popular is often synonymous with exclusionary. That is what I have seen in my practice for over 30 years. Many children suffer as a result of being treated poorly by so-called popular kids.

I've noticed that the teens I have worked with whom others experience as boring have much in common. They seem to have a pessimistic attitude experienced very negatively by their peers. Additionally, they lack the energy and/or skill to ask others about themselves and the things that interest them.

Sometimes, they actually exclude themselves by sitting apart from peers and seeming disinterested. However, you mentioned that Olivia tries to join social interactions but gets ignored. I wonder what this actually means. She may make an attempt to join a conversation but gives up easily if it doesn't go well immediately.

Sometimes a bit of persistence is helpful, as long as others don't experience it as annoying. Social interactions are tricky, as we all know. We neither want to be annoying nor disinterested.

My suggestion is that you have a more in-depth conversation with Olivia. See if you can encourage her to approach her peers with a bit of enthusiasm and curiosity. Encourage her to invite a peer (rather than a group) to a fun activity. A fun activity might be a movie or maybe even a concert.

Try to observe the interaction, and you can help Olivia even more. Be patient. Give gentle feedback. And always check in on Olivia's mood to ensure she is not depressed or slipping into depression. Good luck.

— Dr. G.