Suicide
Are You Concerned That Someone You Know May Be Suicidal?
The royal road to prevent suicide is connection.
Posted December 14, 2024 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- Don’t be afraid to address suicide as a topic.
- Basic knowledge about suicidal thoughts and suicide can help.
- What to say and what not to say.
One big problem in suicide prevention: In an emotional crisis people tend to keep thoughts about suicide to themselves. A frequent reason is the fear of not being understood when disclosing suicidal thoughts, and or of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital against their will. Another reason is that people think they can deal with it on their own. The royal road to prevent suicide is connection. Here is what you can do when you are concerned about someone who may be suicidal.
First, basic knowledge about suicidal thoughts and suicide can help
Most of us have experienced emotionally stressful situations, such as relationship problems and conflicts at work, among other difficulties—and we usually find a way to deal with them. Negative experiences and unresolved problems can sometimes lead to fleeting thoughts of suicide as a possible solution. The suicidal thoughts will subside when we find a way to deal with the problem. However, when we see no solution to an experience that deeply hurts us, the problem may develop into an existential crisis characterized by psychological pain. The pain may grow to a level that seems unbearable. High emotional stress may trick the brain into believing that suicide is the only way to end the pain. The situation becomes dangerous when a person develops plans to end one’s life. They have thoughts that others would be better off without them. Withdrawing into a narrowed-in suicidal world and pretending that everything is okay makes things worse.
How to approach the person
First: You must know that addressing suicide never (never!) induces suicide. The opposite is true. Not addressing suicidal thoughts means that the person remains trapped in their suicidal thinking. Suicide cannot be a taboo topic. If the person you are concerned about is not suicidal, they will take your initiative as a sign of caring. They may say “It’s nice of you to ask, but don’t worry, I don’t have any such thoughts.”
In our clinical work with suicidal patients, we learned that there is always a personal story behind a suicidal crisis. We found that people are well able to talk about what got them to the point of considering suicide. Sharing the story unburdens the suicidal person and often opens up new solutions. However, what people need is an interested, attentive listener. A person who wants to understand. A person they can trust. A person who respects their autonomy. A person who will hold back advice-giving.
How to start a conversation
“I am concerned about you. I feel that you are not well. Maybe we can talk about it?”
“I wondered if thoughts about suicide may be an issue.”
“I have time to listen”
Be non-judgmental and open-minded, and be an attentive, empathic, and interested listener. Psychologist David Jobes, Ph.D., used to say to patients, “I want to see it through your eyes.” Listen, and try not to interrupt, hold back your questions. Allow tears, sadness, anger, frustration. Even if it’s heavy, try to bear with the person. It is a sign of trust when a person in crisis confides in you.
Helpful interventions
You can ask what has helped in the past to manage a crisis. It can be anything from cuddling the cat, walking the dog, or jogging. Or perhaps calling a friend, grandmother, counselor, or crisis line.
Always respect the person’s need for autonomy. However, try to be genuine. You may even say “I don’t think that suicide is a good decision.”
Find out the person’s attitude toward getting professional help. Who helped in the past? A family doctor, counselor, psychiatrist, crisis line worker, hospital admission? What are the barriers to seeking professional help? Negative experiences? Collaboratively develop a possible plan and where to get professional help. Together, you may explore possibilities for online support. If necessary, you can offer to help tackle the mental health care system and make an appointment. You might offer to accompany the person to a first appointment.
If the person rejects help, clearly state that you would like to develop plans jointly. You want to know how the person will be safe until the next day, week, and in the future, and what the safety plans are in case the suicide risk suddenly increases. Ask whom you can contact the person and what you are allowed to say. You need the help of the suicidal person to deal with it yourself.
What not to say
“Why did you not__?"
"You should have__.”
“We all have thoughts about suicide from time to time.”
“Think of your loved ones, think of what it would mean for your family, friends, and others.”
“I know how you feel.”
How to end the conversation
If possible, be available, but be aware of your limits. You cannot be responsible for another person when it is a matter of life and death. If you are not a health professional, you cannot be the therapist of a family member, friend, colleague, or neighbor. However, small outreach gestures like text messages, neighborly home calls, and other outreach can be important for suicidal persons.
If your involvement continues, seek professional advice for yourself. You may call a crisis line or contact a mental health center, without disclosing the person’s name. Be open to the suicidal person about this. Tell the person what advice you got, where to turn to, and why a professional mental health assessment is necessary. When the person’s suicidal condition is serious, the situation requires professional involvement. You cannot be responsible for another person’s life.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
More information:
suicide-warning-signs-and-safety-strategies
Animated video by SciAni
Helpful addresses
Call or text 988 Lifeline
Befrienders Worldwide
See John Bateson’s Post: Being Suicidal Doesn't Mean a Person Wants to Die.
See the previous post: What Is the Suicidal Mode?
See post: A Better Way To Understand and Assess Suicide Risk