Overcoming Self-Limiting Beliefs

“You’re not worthy.”

“You’re not enough.”

“No one is going to like you.”

“You’re broken beyond repair.”

Can you relate? Does this sound like the negative narrator in your mind?

As a psychotherapist for nearly 25 years, I’ve noticed a pattern. Individuals struggle with their worth based on self-limiting belief systems. These negative, internal narratives influence and shape their lives in unhealthy ways. For example, these systems are one of the main drivers of addiction.

If you relate, how can you address unhealthy self-judgment and take steps toward healing today?

I’ve identified three broad steps.

Step 1: Accept That These Are Stories

First, name and identify the source of these beliefs as a storyteller. From a neuroscience perspective, our brain naturally tells stories. Many of these narratives are fear-based, negative, and self-deprecating, and they’re influenced by your past, present, and future. So, first, recognize, and become aware of your negative self-talk and beliefs telling you a story about your life.

Step 2: Consider What Gives the Stories Their Power

The second step is to explore where your storyteller got its voice; who or what has empowered that internal storyteller to disparage you? I tend to think we all have a negative narrator, a critical voice in our head. Psychotherapist and author Rick Carson calls it a “monster of the mind”: “Your mind is a giant warehouse filled with remnants and representations of your direct experience: snapshots, beliefs [opinions to which you’ve developed loyalty], assumptions, concepts, memories, wild ideas, and foregone conclusions. In the warehouse, hoping you’ll stop by, is a monster—the monster of the mind.” The monster’s goal is to make you miserable and divert you from your moment-to-moment experience. Your job is to notice him trying to pull you away from the present moment. He’ll do everything possible to get you to focus on regrets, memories, what ifs, and, of course, believing that you aren’t enough.

The more you become aware of this internal, negative storytelling monster, and create a sliver of space between your thoughts and your present experience, the more you will find peace. Over time, you’ll also see yourself in a more positive light.

Negative self-beliefs can also stem from: traumatic events, unmet childhood needs, chemical or hormonal imbalance, career failure, divorce, or other painful occurrences.

Disturbing events from the past can be the most damaging to how we see ourselves because they hit us in two ways. First is the painful event itself, and second is how you see yourself as a result of that painful event. In EMDR therapy, we call these “negative cognitions.” Beliefs about oneself as a result of the trauma or disturbance include messages like “I am bad,” “I am not good enough,” “I am weak,” or “I don’t matter,” to name a few.

For example, if you were sexually abused at a young age, you likely remember the event as painful and disturbing. Trying to recall those episodes may be upsetting, and understandably so. More than these emotions, however, the abuse shaped the way you see yourself. Consciously or not, you’ve taken on beliefs, like “I’m never going to be the same” or “Something’s wrong with me.”

These fictional, negative stories can and will influence your behavior and decisions. That’s the way the brain works: Beliefs impact feelings, and feelings impact behavior. Choices like who you date, who you marry, and even what career path you follow are all influenced by these self-limiting belief systems. Additionally, they can actively sabotage you, sometimes leading to avoidance behaviors, isolation, and addiction.

So, step two means understanding the source of the negative mindset—a process that can take years. However, you don’t need to wait to start step three and begin your healing journey.

Step 3: Recognize That the Storyteller Is a Liar

The third step is to recognize that the negative narrator is a liar—it wants to convince you of the false fantasies about your self-worth. When you’ve faced your past and done the therapeutic work of acceptance and healing, this step becomes more feasible, because you start seeing differently. You begin to see that these negative belief systems are not true, and as a result you start seeing yourself more positively. This is how the brain produces change in your life, by processing the way you see yourself, your circumstances, your trauma, and even God through a different, more positive lens. Even if you haven’t unpacked your past with a therapist yet, you can still start healing by spending time in reflection, journaling, reading, and meditation.

Once you recognize the negative self-belief and learn to see and think differently, you can replace the lie with the truth. You can't change past disturbances and trauma, but you can change the way you see the memory and the way you see yourself. You shift from “I am broken” or “I am not good enough” to what is true: “I am resilient,” “that traumatic event doesn’t define me,” “I am worthy,” and “Today, I have agency over my life.”

Do a little experiment with me. Imagine you are older, nearing the end of your life. When you’re looking back on your past, do you think you would say, “I’m glad I believed the story that I wasn’t enough, that I was too broken”?

No, of course not.

Wouldn’t your older self tell you to change your beliefs? To stop listening to the voice of negative self-worth?

Take a moment to reflect. Do you struggle with self-limiting beliefs about yourself? If so, how do you see them holding you back?

It’s not always easy, but I’m convinced that you can do it—you can see yourself in a different, more positive lens.

Start rewriting your story, today.