Defeating Defensiveness

Well-known therapist and author, Terry Real, states: “Relationality is about accountability, vulnerability, and empathy.”

One of the most common reasons couples and families give me for coming to therapy is communication issues. Partners, parents, and kids regularly complain in sessions about each other’s defensiveness. And rightfully so, as it prevents the three things Terry Real mentions in the quote above that are required for relationality. But defensiveness is protective in nature and often feels necessary in the moment.

What if, though, the defensiveness you’re using to protect yourself is the very thing keeping you from the closeness you’re seeking in relationships or from the changes you’re trying to implement in your life?

It's not easy to put our defenses down, I get that. Doing so puts us at risk of being fully seen, being wrong, or being criticized. We then risk pain, disconnection, and rejection. Yet those deep, meaningful connections we crave and creating real change in ourselves and our lives require vulnerability. Vulnerability and defensiveness cannot coexist.

If we are defensive, we can't take accountability for the ways we've hurt or wronged someone. Accountability, according to Brené Brown’s BRAVING acronym, is a key component of trust; a must in any relationship. When we take a defensive stance, we are armored up thus are not vulnerable. Empathy, needed for relationality, requires us to put our defenses down long enough to consider someone else's experience.

Another challenge I see around defensiveness is people’s lack of awareness that they are in fact being defensive. Clients often tell me it’s not defensiveness at all, they are simply explaining themselves. The first step of moving beyond defensiveness is identifying the signs.

Signs you are defensive

• Feeling attacked
• Shifting the focus of the conversation from yourself or your behaviors to focus on the other person’s mistakes or flaws
• Insisting on talking about your intentions rather than taking ownership of your impact
• Speaking in a condescending tone or taking a “better than you” stance
• Making excuses
• Believing that once the other person understands your side, all will be fine
• Listening to respond rather than listening to understand

Recognize any of these behaviors? Take a moment to identify a recent situation where you can now identify you were defensive. Keep that in mind as we discuss the whys and what to do about it.

Most of us work hard to avoid criticism, being wrong, and making mistakes. Here's the thing though: Since we're human, we are going to make mistakes, be wrong, and be given feedback. Unfortunately, defensiveness corrodes productive communication, and as noted above keeps us from connection, meaningful change, and taking accountability.

How to reduce defensiveness

So what do we do once we recognize the signs of defensiveness in ourselves or if they’ve been pointed out to us?

Here are some suggestions:

Decrease:

• Reactivity
• Deflection
• Assumptions
• Judgment (of self and other)

Increase:

• Self-soothing
• Curiosity
• Listening
• Self-reflection

We can reduce reactivity by increasing self-soothing. Tools for that in the moment are grounding and breathing exercises and affirmations. Tools for the long term are developing a meditation practice and creating healthy internal and external boundaries.

Curiosity is a great way to get clarity on and reduce assumptions. Listening to understand, rather than to respond, can reduce judgment of others and ourselves. And self-reflection and taking accountability reduces deflection and blame.

I don't pretend any of these are easy to do in the moment, but with practice, you can strengthen these muscles over time. Take a moment to think about the situation you identified above. Which of these tools might have been useful?

It must also be explicitly stated that putting down your defenses and being vulnerable are not always safe or advised. This is especially true for those who have subjugated and marginalized identities or are dealing with abuse in any form. Your safety and emotional and mental well-being are the top priorities.

On the other hand, if you are white or hold other positions of power or privilege, I encourage you to actively practice these. They are imperative when engaging in difficult dialogues around topics such as race, gender, equity, accessibility, and inclusion.

To keep these signs of defensiveness and their suggested responses handy, jump on over to my Instagram. I have created some useful posts that you can save or screenshot.