Emotional Rituals During Sickness or Injury

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The lifeblood of relationships is emotional connection, maintained by rituals. We may need to rely on that emotional connection even more than usual when we’re sick or injured.

How do you connect with your partner or spouse when they’re not feeling well or hurt?

The answer to that question is shaped by how you were cared for when you were sick growing up or by how you observed adults caring for one another in your family or TV/movies.

Here are a few examples of functionally supportive and symbolically meaningful rituals:

1. Making a warm, homemade soup or other comfort food that our loved one enjoys.
2. Bringing extra blankets or a mug of hot tea to the bedside.
3. Rubbing our partner’s back or putting a cold compress on a sore knee.
4. Running extra errands or picking up more chores than usual.

Secure attachment is fostered in knowing that when we’re not doing well, our partner will be there for us, and we’ll be there for them.

In the ebb and flow of everyday life, consistently showing up for our partners in a mutually supportive way builds trust and strengthens commitment.

Beyond a seasonal cold or occasional sports injury, some relationships are navigating cancer treatments and other significant medical issues.

Staying emotionally connected through prolonged illness and caretaking is distinct from the rituals a couple may engage in during temporary struggles.

In both cases, knowing how your partner wants to be treated when they’re sick will be important. If you haven’t had this conversation in a while, sit down with your partner and ask each other these questions:

• "How do you prefer to be cared for when you're sick?"
• "What can I do to make you feel more comfortable and supported?"
• "Is there anything I can do to help with household tasks while you're sick?"
• "What kind of physical touch or comfort would you appreciate?"
• "Do you prefer to be left alone, or do you need someone to talk to?"
• "How do you feel about me bringing you food and drinks?"
• "What are your biggest fears or worries about being sick?"
• "What activities or routines do you find comforting when you're not feeling well?"

While the way we experience comforting and care may be relatively stable across the lifespan, it’s worth checking in with these questions, particularly if you’re navigating a new chronic diagnosis.

Lastly, a higher degree of vulnerability during sickness or injury can lead to heightened distress and relational conflict. Special attention to eliminating criticism and defensiveness is warranted.

Assumed similarity is a helpful construct during these times (i.e., If I were sick right now, I’d probably feel or behave similarly).

Giving our partner who is sick or injured the benefit of the doubt will go a long way.