The overwhelming majority of the complaints you list are definitely coming from women.
I suppose a 50-50 split would be too much to hope for, but it would be refreshing to see more of men's peeves.
So you're not a "10" in every which way. But you're probably pretty spectacular in some way, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. If ever there were a time to stop beating yourself up for being human, it is now.
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Relationships are fertile breeding grounds for pet peeves to develop. While we learn to tolerate some of our partners’ annoying habits, others can become even more irritating over time. Once pet peeves begin to accumulate, they can be highly damaging to a couples’ emotional bond. In some cases, pet peeves can make one member of the couple feel emotionally allergic to the other, hastening the demise of the entire relationship.
50 Shades of Pet Peeves: How I Came Up with the List
I spent a month listing the pet peeves my patients mentioned most often, hoping to end up with a list of twenty-five. I reached fifty before the end of week three (albeit some people did contribute several examples). The list is comprehensive but it should be considered anecdotal, not scientific.
Following the list I present 10 tips for surviving and discussing pet peeves with your partner.
The List of 50 Pet Peeves: Both Regular and Extra Annoying Versions
1. Toilet seat not ready for landing, i.e., left up (read more here).
Extra annoying—leaving golden droplets on the floor as well.
2. Driven to distraction by electronic devices (read more here)
Extra annoying—being so absorbed as to not answer when spoken to.
3. Disguising empty cartons as full by returning them to the fridge
Extra annoying—you had asked them to get some and they forgot.
4. Clothing abandonment, mostly all over the bedroom floor.
Extra annoying—leaving them in a passageway or on stairs
5. Waterboarding towels by leaving them wet on the floor.
Extra annoying—running out of clean towels and using yours.
6. Whistling up a headache for the other person.
Extra annoying—whistling a song they know you hate.
7. Joke reruns by repeating the same few jokes over and over again.
Extra annoying—looking at you expecting you to laugh.
8. Trashing the car by leaving trash in it.
Extra annoying—doing it right after the car was cleaned
9. Fingernail and cuticle buffet, by endlessly biting them.
Extra annoying—leaving the droppings on the living room table.
10. Toilet roll sabotage by not replacing it when it’s empty.
Extra annoying—when the spare roll is in a different room.
11. Refusing to ask for directions or use the GPS.
Extra annoying—you’re already late or lost.
12. Rude awakenings by making noise when you’re still sleeping.
Extra annoying—they hate being woken up themselves.
13. Midnight sofa squatting by falling asleep on the couch and refusing to go to bed.
Extra annoying—getting really annoyed if you try to wake them.
14. Key relocation program by not returning shared keys to their correct place.
Extra annoying—blaming you for losing them.
15. Chewing like a farm animal and other bad table manners.
Extra annoying—No effort made when dining with your boss or parents.
16. Parking space hogging by occupying both spots in a two car garage or on in parking lots.
Extra annoying—tossing you the keys so you can move their car when you complain.
17. Chronic lateness.
Extra annoying—missing flights, shows, or events because of it.
18. Confusing shower with toilet by urinating or blowing their nose in the wrong one.
Extra annoying—doing it when you’re in the bathroom too.
19. Nocturnal blanket or comforter theft.
Extra annoying—getting angry when you try to wrestle back a corner for yourself.
20. Toothpaste tube vandalism by squeezing from the middle not the end.
Extra annoying—leaving toothpaste droppings in and on the sink.
21. Facial fight club, by picking unnecessary fights with pimples, blackheads, or scabs.
Extra annoying—getting upset they made it worse after you already warned them.
22. Violating movie behavior codes by talking while you’re trying to watch.
Extra annoying—starting a loud phone conversation when you’re trying to watch TV.
23. Expecting ashtrays to empty themselves.
Extra annoying—shoving wet garbage in ashtray so entire room smells.
24. Poor pick pocketing by placing clothes in hamper with items in the pockets.
Extra annoying—blaming you for ruining whatever they left in there.
25. Bad hygiene by ‘forgetting’ to shower, brush teeth, or change underwear.
Extra annoying—when they expect you to get romantic regardless.
26. Chronic indecision by refusing to suggest specific foods, restaurants, movies, activities.
Extra annoying—blaming you when they don’t enjoy the meal, show or activity.
27. Blatant task neglect by forgetting basic duties they agreed or volunteered to do.
Extra annoying—getting mad at you for inquiring or reminding them.
28. Mutter of fact by muttering endlessly.
Extra annoying—getting irritated when you think they’re talking to you.
29. Waiter bullying by being needlessly rude to waiters and other service providers.
Extra annoying—getting mad at you for not backing them up.
30. Food pirating by plundering food and deserts off your plate.
Extra annoying—insisting they don’t want any for themselves while plunder continues.
31. Dirty dozen bedside glasses collection.
Extra annoying—getting annoyed at you when they can’t find a clean glass.
32. Dishwasher malpractice—loading improperly so it fits only two plates and a bowl.
Extra annoying—they’re champions at Tetris.
33. Unauthorized toothbrush or razor borrowing.
Extra annoying—getting offended if you cut yourself on used blade and protest.
34. Climate change by manipulating thermostats or windows without previous negotiation.
Extra annoying—doing it by stealth in the middle of the night.
35. Snooze alarm torture by repeatedly hitting the snooze button when you’re still sleeping.
Extra annoying—getting annoyed at you for waking them up to complain.
36. Snoring and keeping you awake (read more here).
Extra annoying—refusing to do something about it or go to a sleep clinic.
37. Facebook oversharing by putting private pictures up without your consent.
Extra annoying—they look great in the pic and you look horrible.
38. Wardrobe malfunctions such as packing the whole closet for an overnight trip.
Extra annoying—starting the trip in a foul mood because of extra baggage fees.
39. Over-controlling the remote control.
Extra annoying—flipping channels incessantly during every commercial break.
40. Bad talk timing by starting serious talks when you’re about to leave for work.
Extra annoying—accusing you of not caring when you’ve already missed the train.
41. Hypochondriacs R us, by turning into a baby at the first sign of a cough or cold.
Extra annoying—expecting to be pampered while they look up symptoms of rare cancers.
42. Wiki leaks of crucial plot twists in books, shows or movies you planned to read or see.
Extra annoying—telling you when you’re in the middle of the movie or book.
43. Shoulder tap as substitute for foreplay.
Extra annoying—you’re already asleep.
44. Post hoc excuses, e.g., forgetting Valentine’s Day and claiming it’s too commercialized.
Extra annoying—you reminded them a week earlier.
45. Allowing the dog to lick their face and mouth.
Extra annoying—trying to kiss you immediately thereafter.
46. ‘Glitter’ bombing sink with facial hair bristles after shaving.
Extra annoying—doing it right after the bathroom was cleaned.
47. Coughing like Gollum, i.e., with phlegmy sound effects.
Extra annoying—they refuse to stop smoking.
48. Newspaper stalactites, tall piles of old issues they haven’t read yet and never will.
Extra annoying—claiming they still plan to read an article from the nineties.
49. Pillow fluffing mania by constantly fluffing sofa or bedroom pillows.
Extra annoying—doing it when you get up to take a quick bathroom break.
50. Used tissues left around the house.
Extra annoying—you didn’t realize they were still wet.
How to Discuss Relationship Pet Peeves
1. Don’t sweat the mildly annoying pet peeves—prioritize the highly annoying ones.
2. Discuss no more than two pet peeves at a time and preferably one.
3. Try to be delicate in how you address the issue. Make sure to frame it as something minor (e.g., “This is not a huge deal but I do want to discuss it”).
4. Discuss only the specific behavior and not their personality or intention (e.g., “I wish you wouldn’t leave empty cups in the bedroom,” as opposed to “You’re lazy”).
5. Use the complaint sandwich to present the problem (see tutorial here).
6. Ask if they are willing to work on the issue, don’t demand they do.
7. Use ‘I’ statements to explain why the issue annoys you (e.g., when I find toenail clippings on the living room table I feel a little disgusted).
8. Be prepared for them to bring up their own pet peeves about you and be open to addressing them (even if you don’t think they’re as big a deal as the one you brought up).
9. Thank them for listening and for their willingness to make efforts (if they agree to do so).
10. If and when they improve, thank them and let them know you appreciate their efforts.
Did I miss your favorite pet peeve? Feel free to add it in the comments section.
View my short and quite personal TED Talk about Psychological Health here:
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For more about how complaints impact our relationships check out The Squeaky Wheel.
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Copyright 2013 Guy Winch
The overwhelming majority of the complaints you list are definitely coming from women.
I suppose a 50-50 split would be too much to hope for, but it would be refreshing to see more of men's peeves.
See the recent research.
I had noticed the same thing, though.
51. Gaining 50 lbs and looking like a homeless woman.
52.-109. Refusing to have sex again ever.
I like the angry comments left by men here. Very sad.
Well, husband has gained more weight than I did. Which affects performance in the bedroom, making it even worse than it was already. And acting like brushing teeth or showering is the worst torture in the world, even if they know they would get lucky way more often if they would take care of the bad breath and B.O.! Snooze alarm abuse is the worst. Studies have shown it is completely useless and you should just set your alarm for later and then actually get up when it goes off. Can def relate to #36 also.
Some of these are weird. #18, blowing your nose in the toilet or in the shower? What? Lol. I don't care where he blows his nose, as long as he doesn't get boogers everywhere. He literally blew a booger onto the back of the bathroom door once and it stayed stuck there until I noticed it and cleaned it off. And #49, what straight man ever goes around fluffing pillows? Lol.
Oh, I hate when he grabs food and then walks around eating it without a plate and gets crumbs everywhere.
Anyway, he is my hubby and I love him.
I too am surprised to see that most of these comments appear to be from women about men. Is it that men are less likely to notice things, less likely to be annoyed by their spouse's behaviour, less likely to tell a therapist about what really annoys them? Is it that women are more easily bothered / complain more? Or is it that men are just more annoying?
P.S. Toilet seat up or down? Men stand; women sit. Why is it that men never complain that they have to lift the seat because a woman left it down?
"P.S. Toilet seat up or down? Men stand; women sit. Why is it that men never complain that they have to lift the seat because a woman left it down?"
Because men stand and don't end up taking a bath in the toilet if they go pee half awake at night? ;p Ditto goes for kids. A friend's DH started leaving the seat down on his own after having to fish a screaming preschooler out of our potty late one night. LOL.
Some of these are obviously written by women, but I have to say most go equally both ways. It's certainly annoying when girls leave clothes all over, and a lot of girls go pee in the shower. Personally, I don't care, or even understand how a partner would know the difference.
My pet peeve; withholding sex.
Extra annoying: partner leaving passive aggressive hints of using porn or sex toys when they know you're horny.
This is a great list! My fiancee and I recognized ourselves in most of the list! Solution: I think trying to find a solution with an open mind is already 90% of the solution, for example:
-I am annoyed when the toothpaste is not evenly dispersed in the tube because of balance, he doesn't care - so we do it my way
-We both think the other one is the blanket thief, so now we always keep a spare blanket near the bed, just in case
-He taught me that it's ok to pee in the shower
-He wants everything to have it's place end be in that place all the time, but I can't be like that when I study, so I got a messy zone for me, which I have to tidy up when I'm finished
-And so on...
But I think you see my point from these! Once we started talking about this kind of stuff we fight much less! (sorry for bad grammar, btw!)
The only one left and still a matter of discussion is the sex frequency: he would have it two times a day. I am sometimes not in the mood for days, sometimes it's ten times a day. When I'm not in the mood and won't do it he hates me, when I'm not in the mood and still do it, I hate him, and so on... But we'll get to a balance eventually.
My husband can't stand it when I step out of the shower before drying off my feet. We have a shower mat, and I think it's there to dry my feet, but when he unknowingly steps on my wet footprints, he hates it lol
Alternatively, he will forgot to push the shower lever back down, so at night when I lean over the tub to run a bath for our son, I get a surprise blast of cold water on my back. It's not fun. Especially if I just straightened my hair.
He can't stand it when I don't completely scrape my plates clean before putting them in the sink (we don't have a disposal, and apparently I rely too heavily on the drain catch.)
But he doesn't use tupperware. We have an entire collection of nice pyrex glass containers with lids. Instead, he'll just cook a meal and then throw the pot/pan in the fridge, or use a plate as a lid on his bowl and fridge it. Then I never have clean pots, pans, bowls and plates to use for cooking dinner. UGH.
I once had a roommate once who never tightened the lids on things before putting them away... lots of broken jars of pickles and spilled milk and juice... That was really annoying.
It seems like whenever I express something that bothers me my wife uses that as an opportunity to talk about something she doesn't like. It feels like 'oh you're saying that to me...here's something for you'. If she told me at a different time I'd probably be more recptive.
#51 Talking too much/overdetailed explanation.
#52 Repetitive reminders/making sure I did what I said I would. i.e. nagging (We have to take the dog out x3...did you remember to take the dog out?)
#53 Being overly afraid/insecure/imagining negative outcomes.
I I have to say that I looked at the 50 common pet peeves and only found a couple minor ones that my husband does so of that I feel grateful my husband is very considerate with household/cleanliness issues. That being said, it drives me absolutely crazy and very angry when we have a disagreement around bedtime and I have contrary views to his he just gets up and sleeps in the spare bedroom. This is how he avoids dealing with discussing it.
I have not figured out how to handle this. It makes me feel like my needs are unimportant to him.
I hope to try the positive sandwhich technique today or very soon to discuss this.
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