Guy Winch Ph.D.

How to Deal With Chronic Complainers

What they want and what they need are very different things.

Posted Jul 15, 2011

Optimists see: A glass half full.

Pessimists see: A glass half empty.

Chronic complainers see: A glass that is slightly chipped holding water that isn't cold enough, probably because it's tap water when I asked for bottled water and wait, there's a smudge on the rim, too, which means the glass wasn't cleaned properly and now I'll probably end up with some kind of virus. Why do these things always happen to me?!

The constant negativity issuing forth from chronic complainers presents a huge challenge for those around them. And nothing makes chronic complainers happier than being more miserable than their friends. Trying to remain positive, motivated and productive amid a constant stream of complaints and dissatisfaction can try anyone's patience.

Following are three essential survival tips that can help those who deal with chronic complainers manage a very difficult situation:

Understanding the Chronic Complainer Mindset

Despite how difficult their complaints are for those around them, chronic complainers do not usually see themselves as negative people. Rather they perceive themselves as forever being on the losing end of things, as drawing the short straw on a daily basis. Therefore they see the world as being negative and themselves as merely responding appropriately to annoying, aggravating or unfortunate circumstances.

Even those chronic complainers who do recognize their prodigious complaining output truly believe their unlucky lot in life more than justifies expressing their dissatisfaction to those around them. After all, it is they who have been saddled with more problems and misfortune than most.

Survival Tip #1: Do not try to convince a chronic complainer things are "not as bad" as they think they are or suggest they are "over-reacting" to events and situations. This will only compel him or her to mention 10 additional complaints or dissatisfactions you have not yet heard about, that might give you a better understanding of how terrible their lives actually are.

Understanding What Chronic Complainers Want

Chronic complainers complain to those around them because they seek sympathy and emotional validation. (See instructions about how to provide emotional validation like a champ.) In other words, they want you to validate their experience, to tell them that indeed their glass was chipped, that, yes, they were given tap water rather than bottled water and that, in fact, they should probably get a good night's sleep so they can ward off whatever germs were embedded in that smudge on the rim.

Survival Tip #2: The quickest way to extract yourself from a complaining soliloquy or shorten a grumble-a-thon, is to validate their feelings, express sympathy (which must sound authentic or it will not do the trick: See how to be empathic here), and then redirect the complainer to the task at hand. For example, "The printer jammed on you again? Gee, that's incredibly annoying! I know it's hard to shrug off those kinds of things but I hope you can be a trooper because we really have to get back to the Penske file..."

Understanding what Chronic Complainers Don't Want

Most chronic complainers truly see their lives as being full of hardship and challenge. (Some people's lives are actually full of hardship or tragedy, but I refer here to people whose lives are not unusual in that regard). Chronic complainers' perceptions about their hardships are deeply embedded in their personalities and sense of identity. Therefore, although they tell others about their problems all the time, they are not really looking for advice or solutions.

Even when your advice would actually resolve a problem for them, chronic complainers will not be especially happy to hear it: Anything that takes away some recognition of their "hardship" will be experienced as threatening to their identity and even to their sense of self. Therefore, they often respond to sound advice either by explaining why the suggestions won't work or by actually becoming upset that the person offering it doesn't understand how unsolvable their problem actually is.

Survival Tip #3: In the majority of situations (there are some obvious exceptions), you should avoid offering advice or solutions and stick to sympathy and emotional validation. However, even chronic complainers sometimes encounter authentic problems and make legitimate complaints. In such cases, when distress is warranted, offer sympathy followed by brief but pointed advice and it will probably be accepted and appreciated.

View my short TED talk here and discover why I no longer complain:

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70 Comments

What to do when it's your wife

Submitted by Kato on July 17, 2011 - 6:12am

My wife is a chronic complainer. I'm a chronic procrastinator. I'd like to not merely live with her complaining, but

avoid passing either of these traits to our children

lessen the complaining

Any advice?

Chronic Complaining Wife

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on July 17, 2011 - 3:42pm

I understand your concern--children can be affected by growing up with a chronic complainer. The first step is for your wife to recognize she is indeed a chronic complainer--but that is not an easy step by any means.
I discuss chronic complainers at greater length in my book The Squeaky Wheel (Chapter 4) and perhaps reading those sections would help her recognize her over-complaining. I also discuss how over-complaining can impact the entire family and I illustrate these concerns with a case study which I refer back to in later chapters (the Bell family).
Perhaps one way you can work on not procrastinating is to take action on the issue of your wife's over-complaining, either by talking to her about how troubled you are by it or by getting her to read the book--or reading it together. You might consider saying something like, "I think we tend to complain too much so I got us a book we can read together" as the 'we' might be less offensive to her than you telling her she's a chronic complainer and has to do something about it.
Also in Chapter 6, "Squeaking to Loved Ones" you'll find tips on how to bring up the issue with her.
Good luck!

"Rehabilitat-able"?

Submitted by Fred on September 15, 2015 - 12:27pm

Dear Guy,

It appears by your answer that you are implying that the chronic complaining trait may be corrigible. Is this a correct assessment? And if so, do you have any recommendations as to resources for helping loved ones "fix" it?

Also, I'd like to know your thoughts on the nature vs. nurture aspects of this trait and whether one is more "treatable" than the other.

Thanks,

Oh man do I feel your pain.

Submitted by Anonymous on March 26, 2014 - 9:41am

Oh man do I feel your pain. Advice, you ask? Can you afford a divorce? I sure can't.

a chronic complainer friend

Submitted by Pitaloka on July 18, 2011 - 4:13am

I like this article, it reminds me one chronic complaining friend. About two years ago, I decided not to keep in touch with her any longer since I felt being trapped in negative energy. Finally I had no heart doing it, it seems that she has only few friend. Well now we're not so close anymore, since she was also noticed that I was dizzy of her complain. Even though, we are still friend, and I tried to be listener without trying to convince her about beautiful world she has :)

Your instincts were correct

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on July 18, 2011 - 9:58am

Sometimes distance is the best solution as it allows the friendship to continue even if it is less frequent and intense.
Thanks for the feedback!

How about "what are you/have

Submitted by Anonymous on July 23, 2011 - 1:16am

How about "what are you/have you done/ going to do about it? i can't solve your problems for you".

What are you going to do about it?

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on July 23, 2011 - 12:35pm

You can try asking that but you're likely to hear a long explanation of why they can't do anything about it and why the situation is so unfair/upsetting/unfortunate/bleak etc...
If you try, feel free to report back!

This guy at work...

Submitted by DaveH on July 27, 2011 - 10:41pm

Hi, i'm a student currently working a co-op job. I have been in the same program with a complainer for three years and now we even share the same office at our job. I used to try to humor his petty and frequently over-exaggerated squabbles with everyone around him, but now he has started to complain about me to my manager for every small, little thing and he is making me look bad. What can i do to deal with this man? I can't take it anymore! I can't get away from him and i can't get him to stop being the way he is! Is there any hope? Please help me....

Chronic complaining coworker

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on July 28, 2011 - 8:59am

Hi Dave,
There's a difference between a chronic complainer being annoying and them actually jeopardizing your own job/position/reputation. In a situation like the one you describe, you need to take action. I know the experience has been very annoying, but your co-worker does provide you an opportunity to sharpen your 'political' skills, something that can be very important in the workplace.
Try and see this as a learning opportunity and put the frustration aside so you can think clearly and do the following:
First, discuss things with your manager and let them know you're concerned about your co-worker's constant dissatisfactions reflecting poorly on you. Either they'll reassure you that your own position/reputation is secure or if not, it will give you a chance to do some damage control and relay your side of things. Do so evenly and in as cool tempered a manner as you can.
Second, I suggest that from here on, you document things as best as possible so that you have ways to back up your side of the story (of course, I'm suggesting this without having a clue as to what you do or what the issues are--but I'm sure you can figure out what needs dpocumenting in emails and such).
Third, I suggest speaking with your coworker and suggesting that if either of you have complaints about the other, you discuss them with each other first before going to your manager.
Becasue he is a chronic complainer, it is important to do this kind of 'talk' as delicately as possible--I suggest using the 'Complaint Sandwich' formula. You can see a rather detailed discussion of the complaint sandwich, including illustrations in this YouTube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxdDvJ2J-VI
Good luck and I hope this helps!

Thanks for the advice, it

Submitted by DaveH on August 4, 2011 - 11:35pm

Thanks for the advice, it gives me alot to think about. I just don't know if i can approach him like that though, he is somewhat older than myself (21 to 50-something) and he doesn't like to work out solutions as much as tell you what you're doing wrong, especially with younger people. His biggest issue with me is my experience (or lack of), we are chemical engineers and while i am good in a lab i don't have the machine-shop experience he has, i'm not quite as good at fixing pumps and so on. I have tried the complaint sandwich before, i think i need a custom sandwich for my situation haha.

Thanks again

I think I might be one of

Submitted by TJ on August 1, 2011 - 11:57am

I think I might be one of these as I do seem to spend a fair portion of my work day moaning, especially when it comes to co-workers. Its weird as I have the same problem at home at night with my mother who complains a lot and I hate it and find it impossible to escape.I don't know when it started for me as when I was a kid I would always bottle things up and many people used to say that I was an amiable child who never said ill of anyone or anything, but now years down the line, I can't say anything nice it seems. I don't know whether to chalk that up to life experiences or just bottling up until it exploded and now I can't put the lid on again.

I've been conscious of being a complainer for a while now, as there have been several times when they think i'm not looking that i've seen co-workers glance at me and roll their eyes. I try very hard to keep quiet as I often find that once I complain about one thing that is it, i'm on a roll. The sad thing is often the first complaint is often what I feel is justified, and the subsequent ones less so. A recent one for example being someone who joined the company a month ago getting a promotion over myself and others who have been there for years. That'd anger most people, I think. But after that every little thing comes out. My sense of humour is also sarcastic and I find it amusing to rib on other people pretty severely, which I suppose could also be a form of complaining.

I have thought about trying to not say anything at all unless it is positive and not a complaint about other people or circumstances, or even anything that could be construed as complaining during banter such as teasing. But I have had limited success.

Any advice on what to do? as I don't like being this person.

Here's 2 pieces of good news:

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on August 1, 2011 - 2:19pm

Hi TJ,
First, the fact that you recognize you complain too much already puts you ahead of the pack. You say you don't like being 'this person' but by realizing when and where you might be voicing too many complaints, you have a major head start when it comes to changing those habits.
Second, the best suggestion I can make is for you to do two things:
1. Choose your complaints wisely. The idea is not to squelch your complaints because that isn't psychologically healthy either, but rather to choose which ones you want to address and which you can let slide.
2. Learn how to complain effectively. At the risk of being self-serving, I truly think you should read my book The Squeaky Wheel (which is available in bookstores, online and in libraries both as a hardcover, an ebook and an audiobook). The book will help you learn how to complain effectively in all kinds of situations and how to reap the psychological rewards from doing so.
Once you've started complaining to get results rather than just for the purpose of venting, you will feel more empowered and better about yourself, and it will be easier for you to shrug off some of the more minor complaints you have and continue to focus on complaining for the sake of creating change or getting resolutions to problems.
I hope this helps!
GW

Used to be a chronic complainer

Submitted by Anonymous on August 29, 2011 - 12:15pm

I used to complain a lot... nothing was going right for me. I was working hard and getting no result. I felt that the world was unfair, that promises made to me were not true. It sucked being me.

Now my life is sooooo much better. I stopped complaining. However, when I look back, I do still think that during that period, I did a lot and nothing I did was recognized, and it still hurts today when I imagine myself back in that context. I would say I have nightmares about it at least once a month.

I wonder if there is some truth to the complainer's complaints...

Of course, I have friends that complain because they 'only' have the old iPhone model and they 'only' make 90K/year, how can they make it at the end of the year :-P.

The hard thing is to see the difference between the complainer, and the person who really needs help.

If you complained a lot during a difficult period in your life..

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on September 6, 2011 - 8:58am

...but stopped once life improved, you're not a chronic complainer. Chronic complainers complain regardless of whether their lives are going well or not...
Glad to hear things are better--and perhaps you need to think about whether your friends are sufficiently supportive...
Best,
GW

What if life doesn't improve... or at least not as soon as one might expect.

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 6:20pm

I struggle with repressing pain and coping through distraction in part because I grew up in a home intensely focused on "the glass half full" attitude. Early on, I learned it was not okay to complain, or express much of any negative feeling at all. The solution to in my opinion, legitimate pain, was to simply "deal with it".

I've been in therapy for four years for depression, and anxiety -- and all the ways I've coped with such things. I've met with my most recent counselor for nearly three years now, and have yet to fully allow myself to be open and express pain.. he's constantly encouraging me to do so, but it's articles like this that make me cringe and think I'll only do him harm by trying to explain.

Beyond such an artificial patient-counselor relationship, I've been trying to be open with close friends... however, after some time, I still haven't gotten to the more vulnerable parts, and after reading this I wonder -- how do you excuse any pain, no matter how trivial it might seem to an on-looker? How are you to know if someone is a chronic complainer, or if they are truly struggling.. if its about longevity, and their obstacles continue, should they be seen as chronic complainers? It seems like this article is suggesting pain needs to be legitimized, or that obstacles need to be solved in a time-sensitive way.. otherwise, you turn into a burden to those around you in the attempt of being honest.

Does that make sense?

Chronic complainers probably learned the behaviour

Submitted by Mo on March 25, 2014 - 9:25pm

Perhaps the complaining is so deeply ingrained it could have been learned in childhood, perhaps being raised by a chronic complainer would result in such a reality seeming "normal"? If a child doesn't have his/her needs met as a child...it is no wonder they are still searching to be validated, to get some sympathy, some love. I love your article Guy. Perhaps chronic complainers have low self worth issues, perhaps they have clinical depression? Thank you for promoting sensitivity to their needs. It's not just children that ask for love in unloving ways...it's adults too!

What if my parents are chronic complainers??

Submitted by Razor Gibbs on August 30, 2011 - 1:34am

It has been a really long time now dealing with by chronic complainer parents and I have been listening to it. As you wrote in this article, there was no use of advices being given. Actually the complaints have grown bigger in size with time. Now me and my wife are targets. We do not know how to handle this situation, at times it caused barrier in our relationship but we have managed. My parents are highly introverts with no hobbies and extracurricular activities. Sometimes it feels like a cold war is going on when they do not react even during happy moments. We do not know how to handle it, we have tried talking with them many times but they are not open to us for any discussions. Any suggestion would be helpful!

Tough situation

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on September 6, 2011 - 9:13am

It does sound as though your parents are caught in a cycle of wicked negativity. Have you considered showing them the article or even getting them my book, The Squeaky Wheel? The book can be presented as a way for them to 'get results' and 'feel empowered' although it will also educate them about complaining psychology and perhaps get through to them in that way.
Good luck!
GW

yes...

Submitted by Razor Gibbs on September 7, 2011 - 11:08am

Whoa...at this point of time I am really afraid to even tell them that they are complaining always. As of now we have lot of things going on at our home like marriages and new home buying. They think that once they move to the new home everything is gonna be fine, but I feel it is not going to be like that, let's just watch!

Tips for if you want to change

Submitted by Anonymous on February 27, 2012 - 4:52pm

Dear all, my father is a chronic complainer and I was dumbfounded when I read this article, it is SO spot on!

Following my dad's example, I was also a complainer, BUT I CHANGED! I decided it was enough. As the article says, this is ingrained in your identity, it is DEEP. So serious measures are necessary. The way to salvation can be found in the psychology classic Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.

Seriously, if you read only one book in your life let it be that one! It will cost you less than $10 and will change your life, or at least, teach you how you can change your life and every single part of your identity! Powerful stuff in there.

Another thing I can recommend is to get some leverage on yourself by saying that you will not complain or say anything negative for 10 days in a row. For every time you DO complain, you put $5 in an envelope and leave it in a public place AND you will have to start your 10 day period all over again until you finish it. Was a great motivator for me!

I would just really like to read how to help someone to become a more positive person. I helped myself, but I feel hopeless towards my dad. He seems to get some perverse form of satisfaction from complaining and misfortune.. The article suggests you reply with sympathy, but that means that I will have to engage in complaining as well!! This goes against my own new positive nature. My current strategy is to either give no reaction whatsoever or give my real opinion (which is always about the more positive sides of the issue at hand), even though I know this will not help or have any effect.

He first needs to SEE that he complains a lot and then has to understand that he can change that! It is killing me to see my dad waste his life watching TV and complaining about how everyone and everything is against him.. it is also affecting the rest of our family. And it is a shame, because often times he is very happy and funny.

A great quote to finish this essay off:

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” – Maya Angelou

Your dad should read my book The Squeaky Wheel

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on February 28, 2012 - 12:40pm

It is the only science-based self-help book about the psychology of complaining and includes a discussion of chronic complaining in families and case studies to illustrate the possible solutions. See my bio page on this site for links to the book or go to www.guywinch.com
GW

movie

Submitted by colette ethier on November 28, 2018 - 12:54pm

have you made your book into a movie yet?

Not yet

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on November 28, 2018 - 1:58pm

Maybe someone will someday...

The irony -

Submitted by YogaKlutz on March 1, 2012 - 8:44am

I've turned into a chronic complainer about the chronic complainer in my life.

Time for a change.

Chronic complaining...and depression?

Submitted by Anonymous on April 16, 2012 - 8:14am

People are often really hard on pessimists, complainers, and even realists. There's all this stuff out there now about the power of positive thinking and optimism, and people are easily annoyed by others who won't either spew sunshine and rainbows or shut their yaps.

I wonder whether these eternal optimists ever stop to think that perhaps the chronic complainers in their lives may be suffering with some degree of depression. The suggestions for friends of "chronic complainers" are to sympathize and avoid invalidating their feelings. Isn't this how one would deal with a friend/spouse/etc. with depression (perhaps in addition to suggesting that they talk to a trained professional about how overwhelmed they're feeling by life's trials).

Griping about chronic complainers and insisting that everyone act like Pollyanna is, IMHO, yet another excuse to avoid empathy and instead act like the selfish people we all are by insisting that everyone around us immediately conform to the level of positivity we desire to "surround ourselves with". This is one of the first articles that I've seen that speaks to what OTHERS (not the complainer) should do to help the friend/spouse/etc. in healthy ways that might actually...well...HELP!

Coworker Complainer

Submitted by Anonymous on May 3, 2012 - 9:30am

This is a great article, thanks so much on the helpful tips. I have one question in regards to Survival Tip #2, validate their feelings and express sympathy. How does one do this without joining their complain-fest yet still be authentic? My coworker will grumble on and on about a task that truly isn't that bad, I know it seems terrible to her. I feel if I acknowledge and validate her over- reactions it is as if I agree with her. I don't. Thanks again.

Glad it was helpful

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on May 3, 2012 - 9:33am

This article explains the basics about emotional validation and answers your question:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201106/the-antidote-anger-and-frustration
Best

Do NOT respond to chronic complainers

Submitted by NeverEncourageAComplainer on June 8, 2012 - 12:29pm

I don't understand the suggestion to offer "sympathy and emotional validation" to a chronic complainer. That approach will only encourage more non-productive complaining. I'm an action-oriented woman who can't stand chronic complaining but I have a few people in my life who subject me to this behavior. When I hear it I NEVER prod for more information or encourage the complainer to continue. Either I offer a workable solution on the spot or I give a non-committal, "oh". That works very well to minimize their ridiculousness. For instance my chronic complainer co-worker complained that she was hot when she walked outside. I told her to take her button-down sweater off next time. She had something to say about the dress she was wearing as a reason why she didn't do that, BUT she let the conversation lapse because she has learned not to keep going on and on about these things as I will acknowledge it no further.

Never encourage them

Submitted by Totallyagree on March 25, 2014 - 2:49pm

Agree completely! After making the mistake of providing advice and then switching to the empathetic approach toward my chronic complainer coworkers, I finally learned that the best way to deal with them is to show that you are intently working on something when they come in and that they are impeding your work (you can show it without saying anything), and they will tend to keep it short, although I have met some who are so clueless as to how terrible their presence is, it takes them much longer to figure that part out than a normal person. With romantic partners and family members who also tend to complain a lot, it's a lot easier to gently let them know they sound like a ball of negativity and then they can change their behavior...but with coworkers it is a different story...especially if they tend to be the passive aggressive, vengeful type--which mine are :/

positive spin to a chronic complainer

Submitted by Anonymous on June 18, 2012 - 3:02pm

What if instead of complaning about complainers, we just put a positive spin to there complaining. everytime my coworker complains about somthing i try and put a postive spin to it l for example. he complains about a person and i point out somthing positive about that person. this does come with its bad side though. this co worker now thinks that i just like disagreeing with him wich is the case given that all his comments are just him complaining. haha

HELP!

Submitted by Newlywed on August 9, 2012 - 2:36pm

My husband & I were married a month ago... he was hurt on his job 2 weeks ago (shoulder injury)- and I dread going home from work as every single sentence out of his mouth is a complaint/gripe/feel sorry for me statement. I know his shoulder hurts- he is off on work comp leave, but I am not sure I have the patience to listen to this much longer. Without him jumping on my last nerve with this constant whining, moaning, theatrical display ... I fear I'm going to snap & tell him to SHUT THE HELL UP- he's not the first person to experience a shoulder injury- he's getting paid while he's lounging around the house all day doing NOTHING- while I pick up the slack everywhere else... so I don't have the strength to keep my mouth shut for much longer. Any suggestions on how to gently tell him to shut his pie hole & man up????

Dear Newlywed

Submitted by Guy Winch Ph.D. on August 12, 2012 - 3:25am

I agree you need to say something to him as you're accumulating resentments. I suggest using the complaint sandwich--you can find a video tutorial here:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201101/complain-your-spouse-without-starting-argument
Also, it is probably best to avoid using terms like "shut your pie-hole" and "man-up!"
Good luck!
GW

Help!

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 4:11pm

You should find out what his mother did to comfort him as a child when he was sick. He may be subconsciously looking for that comfort.

Sad

Submitted by Totallyagree on March 25, 2014 - 4:47pm

I feel sad for you and your husband. It sounds like you begrudge him his injury (something he probably couldn't prevent) and are super resentful of his inability to work. The mixture of that resentment (that he has surely picked up on), mixed with his own shame for not being able to do the one thing men are supposed to do in our culture: work and provide for the family, has probably led him to a very dark, depressing place. You said he was injured two weeks ago. If two weeks worth of difficulty in your marriage is all it takes for you to react in this way, i.e. dreading going home and wanting to tell him to "shut the hell up", then I would say that there is very little hope for your marriage over the long term. Perhaps if you try to understand exactly what he is going through (physical and emotional) rather than waving it off as a "theatrical display," he might not feel the need to constantly try to get your attention in order to validate his inability to work.

constant complaints add up

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 5:35pm

I honestly think you underestimate the capacity of someone to complain, and have not lived this situation in real life.

While I do think she is begrudging him the fact that he is sitting around the house, and I do think that 2 weeks is a bit short for this reaction to have surfaced, I still sympathize with this woman. Obviously I don't know her or her husband, but I have definitely lived in a climate of incessant complaints, where every sentence is a complaint from the time you get home to the time you go to bed. It is its own little hell, and I can definitely understand her being at her wit's end. There is conveying your feelings, and there is letting off steam, and then there is just incessant whining. Trust me, I am sure she started out by sympathizing and feeling understanding in the beginning, perhaps for the first week... but when you do nothing but sympathize and they just keep going and going and going...... it is infuriating. You end up feeling used and spent, and without value. Towards the end, in my case, there were times when every single sentence from the other person's voice sent wave of resentment through my stomach.

I hope this lady's husband gets better, or that he finds a healthier way to manage his injury... or they may both end up seriously resenting each other.

You make good points,

Submitted by Totallyagree on March 25, 2014 - 7:08pm

You make good points, obviously we don't know both sides of the story and I wasn't trying to pick sides--it always just seems more useful to help someone see how they are actually in control of a situation and their reactions to it rather than speculate about how much of a victim they really are--and that goes for her in the context of this forum and also how she deals with hubby at home. But I do appreciate your own personal testimony and can imagine how frustrating it must be. I wouldn't consider my partner a chronic complainer, but he has had his own dark periods that have been hugely draining on both of us and our relationship. He has been unemployed for more than 2 weeks--actually, it is going on a year and a half. Our finances are mostly separate and has been working on learning new skills and improving ones he already has (which I fully support--no one should be stuck in an industry they hate and anyone should be able to pursue work they love, if they can), but the process has been an extremely bumpy ride, complete with bouts of depression, negativity, and intermittent alcohol abuse. There were and sometimes still are times when it feels like he is taking out his frustration of not working on me. But love is never easy. Real love comes when two people are mutually invested in each other and want the best for one another. As long as I feel that I am a positive force in his life, that we both still have the potential to grow, and that our love for each other outweighs the negative stuff, I'll be here.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and your husband...it sounds like you did your best to try to make it work, and that's all you can really do if the other person refuses to change.

I actually feel sorry for

Submitted by Anonymous on May 24, 2014 - 10:57pm

I actually feel sorry for your husband. He has only complained about his "real" pain for 2 weeks and you're angry to the point of exploding at him. Your complaints against him when he is down make you sound so insensitive and narcissistic. It's all about YOU. You have to pick up the slack everywhere else. Geez! Heaven forbid if he was terminally ill, you'd probably off the poor guy or dump him in a convalescent home.

Chronic Complainer Friend

Submitted by Anonymous on March 11, 2013 - 2:04pm

I have a friend who is a chronic complainer. She wasn't always like this. I have tried talking to her about it, but she just blames me (& everyone else around her) for everything.
I have read a lot of advice that says the best trick to handling chronic complainers is to validate what they are saying. Th problem is she complains about things that don't affect her, for example:

She complained once about a couple she saw. They were just a regular married couple out for a nice evening together, they did not say or do anything to her. But she complained, saying she would hate to be the wife. I asked why. She informed me that you could "just tell" he was the kind of guy that would want his wife to make sure the kids were always perfect, she would have to always be perfectly turned out, etc. (it went on for awhile) In other words, she was judging someone for absolutely no reason. A lot of her complaints are similar to this.

Is it really constructive to validate in situations like this? Does it not just encourage the complainer to complain even more about things that in no way affect their happiness?
How do I validate something (like this) that is not a valid complaint?

Confused.

chronic moaners

Submitted by charlotte anna young on November 28, 2018 - 4:42pm

I have a friend who complains about everything nothing is ever right for her. Her husband tries to help her with the housework as she has sciatica in her hands unfortunately,
.which I know is very painful for her and I have empathy with her illness. But he never does it right and she complains to him about his skill as a cleaner. I say to her he does his best but she says men they are all the same they can't do anything right. I took her and her husband out for a meal recently a carvery she complained the food was horrible and the staff where useless. The following week I took her to a garden centre just us two and she complained about the staff there useless and lazy. I know she is unwell now but she was like it before complained about everything in sight. I feel quite sorry for her husband it gets him down at times and it is getting me down too. I make excuses not to visit her as I know I will get it all again.

Chronic Complainer Friend

Submitted by Anonymous on March 12, 2013 - 11:24pm

Confused.

OMG you nailed it

Submitted by Anonymous on September 17, 2013 - 9:03pm

I rent an apartment with a constant complainer, and I have to say you nailed his patterns completely. Not a single word in your article was misplaced.It is almost like you wrote it about him.

Is there any hope, other than to just submit to offering emotional validation? When we first met I was full of support and sympathy, but surely you can understand how that wears awfully tenuously thin over the years. Nowadays it just turns my stomach to, yet again, sympathize with whatever inconsequential problem just popped into his life. It breeds such huge discontent and anger - after all, why does he get to constantly claw at my emotions, when I (the glass-half-full person no less)have to now deal with my own life stresses plus all of his (in great detail).

Isn't this considered some sort of emotional disorder? It must simply destroy the relationships these people have with others. Not to mention,there is a "crying wolf" effect, where you stop being able to tell what problems are truly serious (if any) and which are bunk. Do you ever recommend counseling to such people?

Here's hoping you don't have to live with a person like this,

Anonymous

My friend

Submitted by Moyar on March 23, 2014 - 7:40pm

I have this friend I've known since high school. We got closer after graduation and we talk now and then. Nowadays the only times he ever wants to talk to me is to complain about how something in his life didn't go how he wanted. I'm a good listener and I try so hard to help him focus on the positives, give him advice when I can, because honestly, his problems are just petty stuff, (Customers and Co-workers at work annoy him, a girl he likes doesn't like him back, A girl he doesn't like won't leave him alone) but he acts like he's the only person in the world who has issues. Whenever I try to cheer him up, he finds more things to whine about and when I give him advice, he doesn't listen to me because it's things he doesn't want to hear. It's frustrating because I feel like that's the only reason why he speaks to me. He pretends that he cares by starting the conversation with "How are you?" then the moment I ask the same thing, I get another story about how much he hates his job. I feel like I'm his personal diary and if I try to talk about something that bugs me, he changes the conversation to make it about him. I cannot deal with this negativity at all so hopefully this article will help me out.

Friend

Submitted by Christina on March 25, 2014 - 2:13pm

Oh my God! I can't believe there really is a name for a person like that.. I confront myself with a situation like that. Sometimes I felt guilty because I couldn't stand anymore complaints about the smallest things on Earth. Unfortunately for me, I am the kind of person that likes to encourage others and comfort them... I don't think I could just validate somebody's complaints, though that would be more healthy for my sanity and for my state of spirit. I just want to thank you for lightening my view on this, it seems to me that it is really important for somebody to be able to handle such characters. And I always wondered what was the reason behind all this, I couldn't understand why so much negativism. Thank you.

my chronic complainer misled by his orientation

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 2:28pm

my close friend, simply misled by his own confusion/misunderstanding, has been living Gay life inspite of having 8 years no-child marriage life leaving his wife always-annoyed by him.
Nowadays he's started again visiting Gay platform sites, tht he has successfully achieved by using many tricks tht he often does to get his desires fulfilled.

I, being his close mate, persuaded him no of times to live with his wife happily by fulfilling all her wishes including the physical relationship. But he's still chronic complainer or just to walk on his tricks, whether he misrepresents his wife's rude spoiled picture just to justify why he needed such gay forum, is still a big question before me.

I'm afraid if he's not stopped now, it'd be most difficult to stop him in future. My difficulty is he's already suffered in past due to his such habits of misleading his wife, family members etc, i don't want to let him fall in the valley of hell. I wish he lives with his wife happily.

Please guide me how to restrain him?? Sometimes i feel like informing his parents secretly.
PS:He's tactfully made his wife against me so that i can't approach her.

Kindly let me know how to bring him back, knowing everything about him, his so called miserable life tht he himself made, i can't let him do this injustice to his wife. Please help me :'( i'm only friend in his life

Nailed it!

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 2:36pm

This is such a great post, I can't believe I'm only just now seeing it. I work with 2 chronic complainers and they are constantly pulling me into their web of negativity. One of them is actually a sweet older lady who has been kind to me in many ways here, but 90% of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is worry, fear, or complaint-based. She has so many psychological hangups from her upbringing and her personal AND professional relationships where she allows everyone to walk all over her and then stews and complains about it later instead of seeking solutions that are within her grasp. I have tried so many different methods of dealing with it, including providing advice, and finally just empathizing--but then we just get into a complaint-fest about things we mutually don't like about our jobs--and that keeps me from trying to maintain a positive outlook to make my job bearable. The other constant complainer is exactly the type you mentioned in the blog...a total victim of life, nothing ever goes her way, everyone is against her, and she has more work than anybody else, etc. A big question I ask myself is why some people, like myself, tend to attract these people? As I mentioned, I am somewhat close to the first lady and we do have to work together occasionally, but I rarely ever work with the second one (thank god!), yet she always seeks me out as someone to hear her long list of complaints. After the first 2-3 tries of offering very obvious, logical advice to her IT complaints and seeing how she would just shut me down mid-sentence with her responses of why those wouldn't work, I finally started adopting a strategy of nodding my head while maintaining eye contact with my computer (to demonstrate I am busy) and replying with "That really sucks." And eventually she leaves me alone. But I always recoil and try to avoid her like the plague when I hear her voice in the office...I wish I had the guts to tell her that she is a horrible, dreadful person to be around due to her negative and aggressive presence.

hmmm

Submitted by Matthew Marion on March 25, 2014 - 2:52pm

A while back our bus system went through some changes which were not well thought out. In an attempt to save money they cancelled a bunch of routes, moved things around, etc. They created some very real and odd issues such as cancelling Sunday service on a bus route that caters most to older folk that go places on Sundays (as in, they didn't check ridership).

Anyway, I'm not complaining just offering some back story in that they created a situation in which complaints were valid. The cancelled Sunday on the route I mentioned was re-instated once they realized the problem.

So one day I'm on the bus and there are two young ladies talking, one of whom had her bus modified in a very inconvenient way (something along the lines of the cancelled Sunday bus mentioned above). She told her friend that she had called in to complain. She then very quickly turned beet red and assured her friend that she's not a complainer, no, not that.

She had a valid complaint but because we are so negative to anyone that complains about anything she felt she needed to defend herself.

That's it, not much point to this other than to say context must be examined before dismissal.

I have grown up with an over

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 2:59pm

I have grown up with an over complaining negative mother and -as much as i disliked her attitude to life, people, events, and pretty much everything around her- i often found myself doing the same. It took years of conscious and sustained efforts to change my attitude.

I used to try to offer her solutions for her life dramas, daily problems etc and indeed she used to react with extreme anger. She never cared for the solution, but to continue to demonstrate how unhappy she is, or how much she is suffering because of other people and an unjust world…etc

I have lived away from her for about 2 years and we talk over the phone. I love her, but sadly i feel much more able to sustain a positive and constructive attitude to life when i am not in her presence.

I disagree

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 3:22pm

I have three children, two are very happy go lucky, but my middle son is a serious little person. Always has been, always will be. When I ask him how he liked his lunch, he points out what he didn't like.

What I have learned from this is that he's a natural critic. He really thinks he's helping me to improve my lunch making skills.

Complainers who just complain are annoying, but what about all the people that can spot what's wrong with the airplane before it takes off and thus they might just save some lives.

We need critical thinkers in this world just like we need the extroverts AND the introverts.

I consider myself to be a problem solver. But first One must SEE the problem. I consider most others complacent. So before you drop the friend that complains, why not ask yourself, do they have a point. And can a positive change be made for the betterment of all??

If a restaurant does give you a chipped glass, do you sit there like a dummy and say nothing. Or save someone else from getting cut???!!!

complaints vs critics

Submitted by Anonymous on March 25, 2014 - 5:11pm

@Anonymous - I agree with you in part... I would never suggest overlooking a valid fixable problem, if it is *reasonable* to do so. Critics can be very useful... however, I believe there is an enormous difference between a helpful critic and a complainer critic, and this article is more about complainers.

People may be predisposed to being able to see flaws... however, you can choose whether or not to be a complainer-type critic - i.e., the difference between saying "I hate the cheese you put in this sandwich, it made it taste awful and ruined my whole lunch" versus "the sandwich was alright, but next time, would you try a different cheese? That would make it taste better... this cheese was not so good". In both cases, you address the issue of a bad sandwich. It's just that one of them focuses on the error made by the sandwich maker, while the other tones down the negativity and focuses on the solution. One of them is antisocial in nature, and the other is socially tactful. And that does matter, especially if you depend on that sandwich maker to make your next sandwich.

I am glad you have worked out a system with your son, but I think we differ in parenting styles. I have always demanded that any children of mine respect the fact that someone has done something for them.. you always throw in something positive. Say something like "thanks" or mention something you liked about it, and then discuss the problem issue. Focusing on the solution is important too, rather than being bogged down by the problem. Complaining about the problem or asking for unreasonable solutions is not helpful, is not respectful, and does not incline people to help you. (possible exception: an institution with unresponsive staff that will not budge unless you make a scene).

If your airplane has a broken wing, or your wine glass has chips, you should definitely notice these things and act on them. But you are most likely to get a result if you start with a smile and say something polite, and then continue with the problem and your concern about it. I think tasteful criticism is always useful. But complainer criticism (and let's be frank - a lot of complaining really is a kind of criticism at heart), just makes people want to avoid you.

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How to Deal With Chronic Complainers

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