The Perils of Perfectionism

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We can understand perfectionism as an attachment and a striving to be perfect. Perfectionism goes beyond endeavoring to improve. It’s driven by a compulsive need to improve and by the illusion that we can reach a flawless state of being. I mentioned to a colleague that it seems increasingly popular to believe that one’s "arrival" is imminent. He responded, “Oh no, it’s been popular for several thousand years.” Hard work and a measure of good luck may contribute to our achievements being noteworthy. However, such success does not exempt us from being imperfect.

What’s the Draw?

We seem to be easily drawn to perfectionism. We even enjoy using the word perfect in casual conversation. A waiter in a restaurant says, “Perfect!” after taking my order. Thankfully, I remember that my veggie burger, accompanied by sweet potato fries, will not transcend human, culinary conditions. Let’s look at some of the reasons behind our fascination with the dynamic of perfection.

• We achieve an impervious state of personal worth.
• We are insulated from judgments of being lethargic or lacking ambition.
• The busyness of striving distracts from feeling vulnerable or fragile.
• The shine of improvement will likely yield the respect and admiration of others.
• Our improvements might finally get the benevolent attention of our parents.

What’s the Cost?

• The overriding cost is that an attachment to perfectionism is an assault upon our humanity.
• Compulsively striving compromises a capacity to be present. Perfectionism keeps us on task with myopic vision. We easily lose sight of what is actually happening around us, especially as we relate to others.
• We are condemned to proving we’re OK. Settling into simply feeling good about ourselves fades as we remain focused on the next best demonstration of our worth.
• We become driven by heroic aspirations. Perfectionism is typically driven by a hero’s persona. As such, limits are denied, personal needs are neglected, and self-care is ignored. Hence, the following from the author F. Scott Fitzgerald: “Show me a hero and I’ll write you a tragedy.”
• We are subject to emotional isolation. A preoccupation with attaining perfection will insulate us from others who are likely up to the business of being ordinary people.
• We pretend there’s an "arrival." It’s too easy to believe that all the hard work of perfectionism must lead to the arrival of some flawless state. Hence, the distortion of believing you have arrived becomes extremely seductive.

Bring Care to Perfectionism

When success accompanies being perfectionistic, it becomes more seductive to remain a perfectionist, ignoring the non-perfectionistic nature of our humanity. Here are some suggestions for supporting your perfectionism.

• Notice and appreciate your ability to work hard.
• Become aware of how demanding you are of yourself, and the possible losses involved when you’re that demanding. Common losses include sleep, exercise, healthy eating, dental and medical care, friendships, family connections, and time for fun and enjoyment.
• Take time to grieve your losses.
• Shift your attitude toward work from a place where you prove something to a place where you love something.
• Learn to view perfectionism as a form of compensation. Compulsively doing too much often reflects not caring enough for yourself, compensating for the diminished care.
• Accept that there’s no "arrival." You don’t arrive at a perfected state. You remain a non-perfect human being. Whenever possible, associate with others who have let go of their perfectionistic tendencies and celebrate life together.

There are benefits to choosing to be an ordinary, non-perfect person. Projects and tasks can feel easier and more graceful, since they don't determine our personal worth. People find us more approachable when our energies aren't in high gear. There’s the ability to live with a light heart. Such a heart lives close to joy, curiosity, awe, and wonder.