Honoring Who You Are While Growing

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Initially, any reference to growth only pertained to plants and animals. In the 15th century, growth was defined as a person’s body parts and height. It wasn’t until the early 20th century that the notion of growth or maturation came to be applied to human psychology. One way to think of a person’s personal psychological growth is as change that enhances our capacities to think, feel, and act. We can consider thinking to be flourishing when we are accepting of ambiguity and able to distinguish our stories about people and events from the reality of people and events. It means being clear about our biases and maintaining curiosity.

Emotional growth occurs when we can accept the full range of our emotions, name them, and talk about them. We allow physical sensations in the body to point us toward emotional energy, allowing us to distinguish emotions from ideas. Our behavior matures when we are clear about our intentions and able to identify and act on what is within our control. It also means identifying which behavior is in our best interest and which action serves others. Growth is reflected in our ability to take responsibility for our choices rather than blaming others. Growth often begins with something we desire, like having more effective boundaries, living with more compassion and empathy, and greater clarity about what we value. Of course, it helps to identify your internal resources, such as prioritizing and remaining focused. Also, resilience and patience in some areas of learning call for a devoted apprenticeship. And there are external resources, such as workshops, books, classes, and teachers who might specialize in your area of interest.

Two Paths to Growth

The first is really a non-path to growth. It sounds like, “I’m good with who I am now, and I have no need to pursue change.” This is a developmental dead-end. It is typically motivated by fear. One fear of change is that it may suggest there’s something wrong with me now. The second fear is that further self-exploration might reveal a hidden shortcoming.

The second path is “I really need to change because I am quite damaged.” This is a common approach to growth. It is motivated by shame and championed by many vendors of personal growth. The pitch sounds like, “You’re substandard now, but with my guidance and/or my product, you’ll be a better person.” It’s packaged in a variety of ways, and it sells, confirming our inadequacy and promises of redemption.

The Paradoxical Path

A paradox brings together two things that do not seem to go together, or that appear contradictory. The paradoxical path brings acceptance of who we are now together with a desire to develop. I was first introduced to a paradoxical developmental model by Sheldon Kopp in his book, The Hanged Man. Kopp wrote, “I’m no longer interested in character development as long as that implies in any way that my Buddhahood is not already at hand.” Let’s unpack this quote. We can understand the word “Buddhahood” as Kopp’s essential worth as a human being. We can say that Kopp is not interested in character development if that implies that his essential worth is not already present. The implication is that he would be interested in character development if the process begins by affirming he is essentially fine the way he is.

Hence, we face a paradox when we claim our present worth and seek further development. I think of further development as a welcome to some part of ourselves. The act of welcoming needs to continue throughout our lives. There is no arrival. Someone in you awaits your welcome. Every welcome simply initiates a new apprenticeship. It may be that we face an old learning in a deeper way. We can bring more depth to our loving, an ability to let go, a capacity for acceptance, as well as new dimensions of courage and freedom.

I continue to employ the paradoxical developmental model in both my personal and professional lives. There is something deeply liberating about sitting with new clients, reminding them that they are the best versions of themselves on the planet, with welcomes, apprenticeships, discoveries, and adventures to come.