Developing Self-Trust

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We don’t talk much about trusting ourselves. And when we do, it’s not easy to understand what we’re talking about. Discussions about trust are typically about what happens between two or more people. We seem to approach the idea of trusting ourselves when we speak of someone being confident. Coincidentally, the Latin root of the word confidence means “with trust.” However, the common description of someone as confident suggests the person acts boldly with audacity. Such an understanding loses the depth of what it means to truly trust ourselves.

Two Beliefs

During the Human Potential movement, there was growing interest in what it meant to trust someone. The experiments involving trust used the following operational definition: I trust you if I hold two beliefs about you: that you will tell me the truth and that you will be kind to me. I’ve applied this definition of trust both in my personal and professional relationships. I decided, why not use the same definition of trust when referring to trusting myself? Hence, I trust myself when I believe I will tell myself the truth, and I’ll be kind to myself.

The Truth About Me

Let’s look at what it takes to believe we will allow ourselves to see the truth about ourselves.

• Self-examination. Being committed to living a self-examining life makes it more likely that we will come to some truths about ourselves.
• Compassion. The more we hold compassion for what we see about ourselves, the more likely we are to continue looking.
• Curious about shadow material. Shadow material is that part of us we deem unacceptable and relegate to the unconscious. There’s a tendency to project these parts of ourselves onto other people. That is, we see in them what we deny about ourselves. The more strongly we react emotionally to someone, the more likely we are to see our shadow in that person. Some common projections include insensitivity, self-centeredness, irresponsibility, pretentiousness, and non-cooperation.
• Get help. A useful strategy is to get help from those we trust or from a professional. Their feedback can illuminate our blind spots.

Knowing Our Truth About People, Places, and Things

We’re not going to know the absolute truth about people, places, and things. However, we can strengthen our belief that we will allow ourselves to know these things. Here are some helpful aids.

• Allow for unknowing. Certainty tends to close an inquiry. Unknowing allows for more exploration.
• Remain curious. This is especially important with people. It’s only too easy to decide who they are when we need them to be a certain way.
• Listen to diverse perspectives. This allows us to take on different points of view, freeing us from rigidly holding down one position. It can help to track a sense of urgency that can arise in the chest when hearing something directly opposed to our beliefs. Take a breath and see if you can return to listening without having to challenge, correct, or advise.
• Remain an apprentice. Avoid seeing yourself as an expert, even though it might sell. Claiming expertise can be a serious hindrance to learning.

Believing We Will Be Kind to Ourselves

It should be obvious that it’s difficult to trust those who are unkind to us. We face the same predicament when we are unkind to ourselves. Let’s look at what might limit our cruelty toward ourselves.

• Track unkindness. This is the starting place. Let yourself notice critical thoughts, a lack of self-forgiveness, neglecting basic needs for rest, food, exercise, and companionship, and compulsive or addictive behaviors.
• Interrupt cruelty. Make the commitment to identify one way you treat yourself cruelly. You may discover that the cruelty has an underlying motive, such as “I’ll be a better person if I punish myself for this mistake” or “Being unkind to myself like my parents were, allows me to stay attached to them.” There can be a variety of reasons why cruelty allegedly makes sense.
• Confide in someone. It helps to make your commitment to kindness talkable. Decide if you can hold yourself shamelessly accountable for your acts of cruelty with a friend.

A commitment to self-trust is a psycho-spiritual practice. It’s a decision to live with more compassion and get right with ourselves. How we treat ourselves often results in how we treat others. If you stay with the practice, you’ll see how trusting yourself can lead to a greater willingness to take risks, act more authentically, be more curious, and give and receive love with more ease.