How to Tell When Emotional Intimacy Is Slipping Away

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Talk of intimacy is typically reduced to sexuality, leaving emotional intimacy an obscure topic. But if we can’t talk about it, we can’t notice when it’s robust or compromised.

We can begin by defining emotional intimacy as the emotional unity of two separate and unique individuals. Working with this definition entails several responsibilities. The first is to remain conscious of your own uniqueness, expressed by your needs and desires, your beliefs and values. The second is to support your partner’s uniqueness. The third is the decision to build a relationship comprised of the components of your individual selves. (See my post, “10 Building Blocks of Emotional Intimacy.”)

Signs a Couple Is Losing Emotional Intimacy

Even if we are committed to remaining emotionally intimate, life brings enough demands and distractions to lead us to wander away from that path. Here are some suggestions that wandering is happening.

• Lack of accountability. Couples stop saying “I’m sorry.” There is more tentativeness about admitting a mistake was made. There’s more worry about being criticized.
• More unspoken stories. Couples begin to deal with their emotions and reactions to their partners by creating stories about the partner’s behavior that are not spoken about. “He’s probably attracted to the new colleague at the office.” “She no longer finds me interesting.” The problem is that most couples begin to act as if their stories are accurate depictions of reality. Common reactions include physical and emotional withdrawal or becoming more aggressive.
• Diminished curiosity. As they create stories about who their partner is, they become less curious about them. Expressed curiosity communicates, “You matter to me.” That’s what’s lost.
• Less tolerant of diversity. As acceptance of basic differences in preferences and beliefs diminishes, accusations, blame, and criticism become more prevalent. One or both people can become more controlling.
• Less physical contact. Common opportunities for touch are avoided. Couples begin to pass each other in a hall without touching.
• Less comfort with being open. A level of guardedness prevents what might be routine transparency.
• Obscure desires. Each person is more confused about what they want from the other and what the other wants from them. Invariably, when I’m treating a couple, and the question of what is wanted surfaces, both parties are typically confused. Desire is the fuel for emotional intimacy, and the more it is inactive, the greater the alienation in the relationship.
• Less planning. There’s a pause regarding making plans to go on a date, spend time alone, or take a trip. The dampening of plans is a consequence of desire becoming atrophied.
• Too much or not enough. If you’re not getting enough of your partner, unavailability is much easier to track. It simply means a level of estrangement has replaced intimacy. Too much of your partner or merger is not intimate either. It means the relationship is operating as a single unit, with no recognition of each person’s uniqueness. Couples often take pride in their enmeshment, claiming how close they are, liking the same foods, hobbies, and values, and even wearing the same clothes.
• Popular places to hide. When a partner feels unavailable, they may be hiding out, parenting, or working hard. Both hideouts have very honorable facades. It makes it quite difficult to hold ourselves or our partners accountable. You do yourself, your partner, and your family a favor by getting honest about hiding behind parenting or working hard.

How to Restore Emotional Intimacy

We can make our way back to emotional intimacy with our partners. The first step is to be accountable for either the way you moved away or how you colluded with your partner’s distancing.

When it’s collusion, taking accountability might sound like this: “I regret that when I couldn’t find you, I didn’t come look for you. I just decided you didn’t want to be with me.” If you were the one who moved away, accountability might sound like: “I’m sorry that I allowed myself to get lost in my work,” “I regret that I stopped asking you about how your days were going,” “I’m sorry I made myself inaccessible rather than telling you I felt angry," or “I’m sorry I put the kids between us.”

The next step is to enliven desire with two questions: “What am I asking of our relationship?" and "What is our relationship asking of me?”

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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