The Art of Emotional Generosity

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Customarily, any reference to generosity brings to mind a magnanimous propensity for giving material gifts. Flowers, trips, money, or an automobile can be expressions of generosity. However, it may be extremely limiting to understand generosity as the offering of material gifts. Emotional generosity can be highly supportive of creating emotional intimacy in a committed relationship. Or it can be a dynamic energy that fosters greater rapport at work.

Expressions of Emotional Generosity

Let’s look at some common characteristics of emotional generosity.

• Uninterrupted attention. Communication research suggests that the average duration of uninterrupted attention is 17 seconds. When your partner or colleague believes that they will receive your undivided attention, trust deepens. “You deserve to be heard and seen” is communicated to the speaker. They receive more than your attention. They receive a confirmation of their deservedness, which, when accompanied by grace, suggests it does not need to be earned.
• Encouragement. When we encourage someone, we communicate that we believe in them. It can be simply stated: “I believe in you.” Or “I believe you possess what you need to accomplish this.” Or “I don’t doubt that you possess the intuition and perseverance to deal with the current challenge.”
• Empathy. When we empathize, we feel the speaker's feelings or suffering. We feel the emotions they feel, such as sorrow, hurt, or confusion. Speakers typically feel deeply heard and accepted, possibly from a very tender place.
• Sympathy. Sympathizing is feeling for the speaker's feelings, but there’s a bit more separation when we offer sympathy. Yet, we communicate, “I’ll walk with you as you have these feelings.”
• Acknowledgement. When we acknowledge what a person says or does, we offer a greeting. It communicates “I see you” or “I hear you.” Some examples are: “I noticed that you consistently showed up for the meeting.” “I’m aware that you appear to be comfortable expressing how you feel.” “I’ve seen you being very helpful to others.”
• Forgiveness. This communicates “If you make a mistake or offend me in some way, I am willing to see your behavior as unacceptable while holding the value of who you are as a person.” It can be a wonderful gift to know that your relationship is a place where you are likely to be forgiven. That is, the offended party will do what they can to restore an acceptance of your essential goodness.
• Invitations. When an invitation is larger than satisfying a social guest list, it communicates, “I want to spend time with you to know you better and be known by you.” These invitations can go a long way in supporting recipients’ sense of belonging.
• Curiosity. An old definition of the word curious is “careful.” When our questions go beyond a cursory inquiry, the receiver likely hears, “I want to know you.” This is more likely when our tone is soft, and our body language conveys genuine interest.
• Mercy. This act of generosity sometimes seems limited to a reprieve offered to someone on death row. I favor normalizing mercy more than what is presented to someone in a correctional facility or encouraged during a church service. The Hebrew word for mercy is hesed, meaning “steadfast, enduring, and unbreakable love.” I like thinking of mercy as the mother of forgiveness. The attitude of mercy carries a longing to forgive almost any deplorable act. Why not practice mercy in the kitchen and at the office?
• Appreciation. I think of appreciation as acknowledging and celebrating what someone did or said. It communicates that we or a situation is better off because of someone’s action.

The experience of belonging needs to be reaffirmed as people and situations change. The power of emotional generosity lies in its nuanced way of confirming belonging for recipients. When ridicule, blame, accusations, and a charade of varying facades wane, so does the trust deepen, woven by threads of kindness. The psyche seeks safety and wholeness. Emotional generosity aims to reduce harmful emotional spikes and encourage personal and professional growth. Family members, as well as you and your colleagues, can learn to be honest and compassionate.