Truth and Compassion Are the Guts of Intimacy

Source: Leslie Jones/Unsplash

Guts typically refer to “innards," and truth and compassion live at the core of an ever-deepening relationship. Referring to someone as having “guts” typically denotes some measure of bravery. That’s also true when a couple commits to truth-telling accompanied by compassion. Revealing what lives at our core takes courage, and expressing it without being offensive demands practice. It is only too easy for a shaming smirk or an amplified tone to hurt the listener. And then the listener who summoned enough courage to hear the speaker may end up feeling dismissed in some way. It's important to release justifications and explanations, and listen with compassion, meaning with sensitivity and empathy.

Suppressed or Unbridled Expression

Most of us come from families that either suppressed our feelings or encouraged unbridled entitlement to speak with no discretion. Each option tends to significantly compromise trust and the deepening of rapport. In either case, the feeling of freedom to be ourselves is inhibited. Suppressed truths, not spoken, may be acted out behaviorally, often in passive-aggressive ways that may include lecturing, analyzing, withholding important information, forgetting agreements, sarcasm, withdrawing, and responding in extended silence. Uncensored truth-telling, on the other hand, ruptures psychological safety. It simply doesn’t feel safe to say how we feel or what we want.

Moving Beyond Communication

How we carry fear and shame mostly determines how we communicate. If we fear that we won’t be heard, then we’re inclined to suppress our truths. If we enter a conversation feeling shame or scared to hear anything less than laudatory, we are likely to launch a defense of our personal worth or withdraw. Even if the message we hear is empty of blame and accusation, shame will have us hear it as “we’re not good enough.”

Preparation for Active Truth-Telling

We do not necessarily have to reproduce the offensive communication of our childhoods. If you were shamed in your family of origin, you may need to therapeutically address the shame that shattered any hope of feeling good about yourself. Receiving that kind of help can get you ready for active truth-telling in your relationships. However, some measure of fear is not pathological. The key is to be honest with yourself about feeling scared and letting yourself feel it. If a conversation goes off the rails, you can always pause, requesting that both of you take time to reset.

Apprenticing to Truth-Telling

Learning to be clear about the truth you wish to speak and expressing it without accusation, blame, or shame is a lifelong craft. There are countless variables impacting each exchange. How each person feels about themselves and the relationship, overt and covert stresses, and simply having a bad day can influence what happens. Whether to commit to this apprenticeship or not depends on the kind of relationship you desire. Here are some recommendations if you choose to embark upon this kind of learning.

• It is very helpful if both people agree to commit to the apprenticeship of truth-telling.
• Acknowledge that there will be bumps and breakdowns. It simply means forgiving yourself and your partner when conversations get derailed.
• Commit to speaking with the pronoun “I." It means letting go of “you” and “we.” This small adjustment goes a long way to communicating, “I only define myself and not you.” Your partner can let go of worrying that you might be eager to define him or her.
• Learn the distinction between communicating an emotion and an idea. One indicator is that using the phrase “I feel that …” will most likely express an idea rather than an emotion.
• When you have feelings about something your partner did or said, don’t refer to their character or the frequency of the behavior in question. Speak to what was said or done. For example, say, “When you leave the front door open, I feel chilled and frustrated,” instead of “You’re very inconsiderate when you leave the front door open.”
• When you have something you want or need from your partner, make a clear and concrete request. Again, no reference to their character, simply describe the action you desire.
• Learn how to feel hurt. Most people don’t know how to feel hurt. They deny the hurt, claim that feeling hurt is an unacceptable anomaly in a committed relationship, or either attack the person who hurt you or withdraw. When hurt festers, hearts tend to harden, allowing tenderness to wither. The key is to accept hurt as part of your relationship. Feel it, tell your partner about it in simple terms, “When you …, I felt hurt.” This is hard stuff because it’s vulnerable, which means there is potential to bring more heart to your relationship. Of course, if being hurt is a frequent event, get a therapist.
• Become an observer. When your partner has feelings related to you, become an observer of the story your partner has created about you. That story is generated with their thoughts, feelings, and needs. It describes their experience of you. It is up to you to decide how much of their story is about you and whether you agree with it.

How Much Truth to Tell?

I am not an advocate of complete transparency. Such behavior is indicative of young children as they blurt out, “You’re fat, and I don’t like you.” Truth-telling needs to be guided by adult discernment. There’s no way to make absolutely sure that what you plan to say will be appropriate. Here are some questions to ask to empower your discernment.

• Will what I say likely benefit our relationship?
• Do I feel calm enough not to overstate my position?
• Will it cause undue harm to either of us? Is it information we can work with?
• Do I know how to represent myself without blame and accusation?
• Is it information I would want my partner to tell me?

If you decide to commit to the apprenticeship of truth-telling accompanied by compassion, you will likely make your relationship safer for both of you to be yourselves. You will view one another as trusted resources, especially in challenging times. You will model for your children what it means to live with more truth and compassion.

Authenticity Essential Reads

The Powerful Truth in "What It Sounds Like"

Get in Touch With Your Authentic Self

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.