Making Peace With the Unknown

Source: Mahdi Bafande / Unsplash

We live at a time when it is becoming increasingly difficult to pretend that life is easily known. We have gotten accustomed to denying the mystery of life, comforting ourselves with illusions of predictability and alleged security. The domestication of the unknown by routine, repetition, and dogma has begun to quake. We now face the wildness of the unknown. The combination of mutating viruses, leaders with arrested personal development, and global financial instability has us feeling a paralyzing angst. The veil of denial drops, and we are lost in the face of the unknown’s immensity.

Let’s consider ten ways to stabilize our relationship with the unknown.

1. Letting go of how we think life should be and accepting how life actually is—mysterious, unpredictable, and insecure. As our acceptance deepens, we learn to relax into what is out of our control and be grateful for what is in our control. Lacking control no longer means there’s something wrong with us. It means we’re learning to live life on life’s terms, leaving us with more serenity.
2. Letting go of striving to get life right. Life is too big to get right. If we do let go, then there’s the possibility of life getting us right. We are emancipated from the snare of trying to triumph over life or feeling victimized by it. There’s a great deal of freedom when we release the following illusions: With the right education, the right job, the right spouse, the right financial investments, and the right neighborhood, life will be understood and secure. No, life might simply have more ease and comfort. That’s it.
3. Anthropomorphizing life simply means doing what indigenous peoples have been doing for millennia. It means treating all life situations as a thou and not an it. Like any good relationship, we want to make peace with life. Such an armistice promotes acceptance, creativity, and learning. When a situation possesses a thou, we are curious about what we are asking of it and what it is asking of us. We live with more reverence.
4. Learning to feel powerless and helpless. The ego abhors these feelings and unleashes shame if we get close to them. Of course, these feelings become taboo. However, they are appropriate, especially on a journey into the unknown. They also tend to inform us about the need for help.
5. Learning to get comfortable with John Keat’s “Negative Capability.” As children, we are typically okay with how much we don’t know. As we experience the unknown, we can move to the sublime appreciation of beauty, which can be pretty inspirational. There’s also curiosity, awe, and wonder, which keep us in a deep connection with life. We don’t need to lose our connection to life as we face the unknown. There’s also the joy of releasing compulsive self-reliance, allowing ourselves to collaborate and create with others. “Do not grow old no matter how long you live. Never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born” (Albert Einstein).
6. Putting an end to catastrophizing. It is so easy to fill in the blanks accompanying the unknown by catastrophizing. We cope by assuring ourselves that it’s not that we don’t know—we know how awful things will be! The ego feels justified in dramatizing how horrible the situation is, with no hope of redemption. Substitute being mindful of all there is to be grateful for. Let gratitude replace catastrophizing.
7. Asking for help. Don’t attempt to make peace with the unknown by yourself. Ask for help. Relating to the unknown is an appropriate communal activity. It does call for enough humility to feel the permission to be accompanied. It’s a call to grace where we get to feel deserving of support that is not necessarily earned.
8. Learning to regulate your nervous system. The nervous system can be dysregulated as the ego moves toward making peace with the unknown. It’s just a very different relationship. Sitting quietly with your eyes closed, imagine for 30 seconds a place where you feel very comfortable and nourished. Let go of the image and focus on internal sensations such as abdominal tightness, changes in temperature, pulsations, etc. Don’t try to change any of them; just observe and notice what sensation comes next until you see the presence of calm somewhere in your body. Remain calm for a minute or so, and slowly open your eyes.
9. Paying attention to how much your routine, repetition, and dogma attempt to domesticate the unknown. Identify one or two places where you can become a bit more flexible. Take a different route to work, eat something different for breakfast, listen to different music, or call a friend whom you have not spoken to in some time. Work with dogma by exploring what it would be like to hold a contrary belief. If you believe sensitivity is not good, try on the benefits of sensitivity. If you see conflict as bad, see if you can enter a conflict with a win-win attitude.
10. Offering service with a light heart. We make our lives meaningful by what we know and what is familiar—the unknown interrupts how we acquire meaning. Service can restore meaning regardless of what is known and unknown. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, mentor youth, coach at a youth league, volunteer at a food bank, join a volunteer fire department, or visit an elderly relative or friend.

A new relationship with the unknown need not be tragic. We may face a crisis of meaning, which feels challenging, but it is also an opportunity to develop a more honest relationship with ourselves and life. The result is living life on life’s terms, not ours.