A Whole Love Story

Source: Morgan Sessions/Unsplash

When we sing the praises of someone who is loving, we inevitably are referring to the person’s ability to give love. As our accolades sing the praise of showing love, the ability to receive love fades into anonymity. Do we believe the capacity to receive love is a given and not worthy of acknowledgment? My work with hundreds of couples as well as my personal experience has taught me that receiving love often does not happen easily.

How Does Giving Grab All the Attention?

• Giving is typically an external action. We tend to favor what can be seen, heard, and touched.
• Receiving is primarily an internal action. Other than words of appreciation, receiving takes place in the interior world, where it acquires a measure of anonymity.
• Giving is accompanied by a feeling of being in control. It’s an assertive action, as it brings forward some contribution.
• Feeling in control is diminished when receiving. As a receiver, something is happening to you. There is much less of a feeling of managing what is transpiring.

The Psychological and Spiritual Practice of Receiving

• Remain aware of the culture’s bias. This awareness can help you resist buying into a lack of appreciation for receiving.
• Learn to hold the view that receiving has equal value to giving.
• Remain conscious that as an effective receiver, you are allowing the giving of love to take place.
• When you are receiving someone’s authentic offering, breathe abdominally. This will help you stay present during the transaction.
• Learn to take in what you believe to be a trustworthy offering. "Taking the offering in” means noticing where in your body you feel touched and moved. Bring your breath to that area in your body. You can also notice where any resistance to receiving sits in your body, possibly feeling out of control. Just see these energies. Try to let go of any evaluation of them.
• Say as little as possible when receiving. Your silence, as well as an economy of language, honors both the giving and the receiving. My favorite usages of language are: “You’re very generous,” “You are very kind,” and “Thank you.”
• Following your experience of receiving, remind yourself that as a competent receiver, you’re allowing love to happen.

Of course, you may need to battle with some voices claiming you are not deserving. Your deservedness may need professional support. However, until you feel more deserving, treat your receiving as a gift to the giver, allowing what’s offered to live.

Lastly, make a countercultural move when you believe you’re witnessing someone graciously receiving. Let them know you appreciate their grace and ease of receiving. It’s time to invite receiving out of the shadows of being identified as a substandard dynamic with no real role in the life of love.