Cultivate Silence and Communicate

Those who have read my posts with any regularity are likely aware of my stance to cultivate silence (see “A Verbose Argument for Silence”, “Why Don’t I Just Shut-Up?”) as a result of the idea that most of what we think is distorted at best, a complete lie at worst (see “The Top 20 Ways You are Lying to Yourself”, “The Big Lie”, “I’m Full of It, and So are You”, “The Truth Will Not Set You Free”). In quite a few other posts I discuss relationships. In this post, I hope to bring these aspects together and suggest relationships are the worthiest exception to cultivating silence.

You have certainly witnessed a person holding another “hostage” with conversation. The listener seems to want to exit the conversation but is too polite to do so. It seems obvious the speaker is oblivious to non-verbal clues that indicate the listener is no longer interested in the conversation, or that the speaker has intruded into the listener’s world without regard to her needs. But perhaps the speaker’s need to be heard is so drastic he ignores the signs.

Carl Rogers was a psychology theorist who proposed that being heard was an essential human need. Rogers says, “When I take the gamble, the risk, of trying to share something that is very personal with another individual and it is not received and not understood, this is a very deflating and a very lonely experience.” (Rogers, p.13-14). He felt that not being heard could lead to serious mental disorders. Many readers can likely relate to the hurt of not being heard. Because expectations are higher with partners, when it is a partner who doesn’t really hear one’s attempt at connection, the pain is even greater.

In what I feel is the best article on relationships I have read, Emily Esfahani Smith discusses what research by John Gottman (perhaps the most famous modern couples’ researcher) indicates about “bid” attempts (when one partner verbally reaches out to the other). The indication is there are four types of responses, passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive. These responses also have to do with whether you are turning toward your partner with kindness, or not. Halfhearted or technology distracted responses are considered passive constructive, but still not positive. The best response, of course, is active constructive, where great interest is shown.

The fact that there are three ways to respond negatively and only one positively indicates how often couples react ineffectively. Sometimes one’s emotions take over, and thought is not given to responses. Often one’s ego has been bruised, and there is retaliation that leads to discord. Other times one feels owed, or resentment, or contempt, and doesn’t want to meet a partner’s needs. There may be many other reasons, including feeling stressed or overwhelmed, that lead to ineffectual communication with a partner.

Most of my writing about cultivating silence has to do with diminishing one’s ego needs. These ego needs are reinforced with distorted perceptions, which support one’s “correctness” of perceptions. Diminishing ego needs is effective in relationships. As I wrote in “Love’s Tug of War”, real love requires putting another’s needs first. As most negative responses are based on one’s ego, remembering that thinking is distorted and reducing one’s ego need can be of great benefit to responding more positively.

At the same time, to diminish all of one’s needs is unrealistic. There are times you will feel your needs must be met. The way you seek your needs being met will play a part in how successful you are. Contemplating how you speak, when you speak, can be very beneficial in communicating effectively and getting needs met. One mistake many couples make is expecting their partner to read their mind and getting upset when it doesn’t happen. Therapists recommend working on communication, including asking for what you want and need.

Though I often advocate cultivating silence in the spirit of the idea, “if you can’t quiet your mouth, how do you hope to quiet your mind?”, communication in relationships is essential. Virginia Satir (a family therapy theorist) said, “Communication is to relationships what breath is to life”. Despite the importance of communication, mindful speech, attained by quieting the mind and understanding its deception, can be much more effective in meeting a partner’s needs, as well as quieting one’s own needs, and getting remaining needs met.

Copyright William Berry, 2019