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Photo by Alexi Berry
There is a popular photo on social networking sites. The photo shows an elderly couple replying to a question about how they have remained married so long. They answer that in their time when something was broke they fixed it. This is directly opposed to today’s disposable culture; when something breaks we get a new one. Nostalgia convinces people they want the days of old. The truth, however, is that many prefer a disposable culture. It is easier. Divorce is one such example.
Fixing a marriage sounds much more socially appropriate than trashing it and finding a new partner. But let’s face it: divorce is easier. Certainly there are horrendous downsides to divorce: the impact on children and each partner’s mental health; financial strain and often a decrease in socioeconomic status; the pain associated with lost memories, hopes, and dreams; the grief; and the stress are all horrendous downsides. Despite these negatives, a great many choose it over staying together and fixing the problems.
Some couples, however, do stay together; but they neither dispose of the marriage nor improve it. They move into very separate lives, becoming roommates, divvying responsibilities, and often, resent each other for not pulling the same weight in the house. They coexist, but their married life is nothing like they imagined it would be on their wedding day.
Many couples stay together and claim they are going to work on the marriage. But how many really fix it? Is there substantial improvement, or do they just come to accept the new terms of their married life (a form of the coexistence discussed above)? Do they really look at themselves and their responsibility in difficulties, and then make considerable changes to their way of being? Why do I so often use rhetorical questions?
Everyone has heard it takes effort to make a marriage work. However, it seems the belief about “the effort” is focused either toward one’s partner, or toward simple behavioral adjustments that the couple must make. In other words, a person rarely understands how hard he or she must work on self improvement to make a marriage work.
In the May / June 2012 edition of Psychology Today, Pamela Weintraub interviews David Schnarch about his theory that marriage often inhibits one from becoming an authentic adult. In fact, he goes against the popular thought on how to fix a marriage, and instead purports that one must differentiate from a partner, and that will enable he or she to offer more. Rather than expecting a partner to meet one’s needs, Schnarch suggests self-soothing and the ability to live with your own discomfort, rather than looking to another to calm you.
In the article Schnarch discusses “mind games,” which he believes couple’s play knowingly and purposely in their communication patterns. He believes the process of differentiating, and then being able to confront your partner is essential to salvaging a marriage. Whether Schnarch’s theory is correct, or if more commonly accepted theories citing communication and deeper intimacy are correct, there is a great deal of work to be done on oneself in order for a marriage to be “fixed.”
Looking at oneself honestly and deeply is difficult to do. Often what people really want is someone to endorse their perspective, to back up their perceptions, basically, to side with them. It is quite a jolt to the ego to admit that something is failing as a direct result of one’s own lack of effort or missteps. To own this and work on changing oneself is an extremely difficult task. It takes effort, humility, and a strong desire to grow as an individual.
Considering how difficult this is, divorce is easier. Divorce is damaging; it may take years to get over the emotional pain that it brings, if it is resolved at all. The alternative, really humbling oneself, working on personal growth and self-improvement, learning new ways to communicate, letting go of preconceived ideas of the significant other, and working through all the pain is far too difficult a task in this disposable culture. It is far easier to find a new partner, one who seemingly accepts you as you are, and whom you find novel interest in, than to recreate interest in another you know so well. What do we “fix” in this culture anymore? Nearly everything is discarded for a newer, sleeker, shinier model once it doesn’t work as well.
References: Pamela Weintraub, How To Grow Up, Psychology Today, May/June 2012,
Copyright William Berry, 2012
