What Is Your Default Stress Mode?

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Think about yourself and the people in your life. When in a stressful moment, such as a disagreement or opening a large bill, how do they respond?

Some people shut down. They stop talking or making eye contact. They seem not to listen. Others run away. They leave the room. They go for a drive. Lastly, others fight. They speak loudly. They start arguments.

Many people feel shame for behaving this way. “I wish I hadn’t yelled.” “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for my brother.” “I feel like such a doormat.” They want to handle hard situations better, but the next time one comes up, they fall back into the same patterns.

What’s happening here? How can we make things better?

It starts with the body. Our nervous system is designed to support us when the world feels unsafe. It can urge us to fight, flee, or freeze.

If we experience a similar stressor repeatedly, the nervous system will adapt to handle that stressor more effectively. It will stay on high alert and trigger a response more quickly. Over time, that response can end up being a sort of default for us when times get hard.

A universal stressor for children is navigating their parents’ stress responses. For example, a child whose parent yells a lot (fight) may seek solace in their room (flee) or mentally leave the situation (freeze). A child whose parent gives them the silent treatment (flee) may play by themselves for comfort (also flee). When a parent raises their voice (fight), some children fight back. When these situations happen with any sort of regularity, the nervous system hard-wires to activate that specific stress response.

Identifying these patterns for yourself and others can cause both grief and relief. Grief for your childhood self, who had to protect themselves in a hard situation, and relief that your current-day wiring is not some deficit in you, but rather a normal response to your childhood experiences. It can also make you feel more compassion for those around you and their childhood pain.

Here is a real-world example. A son (let’s call him Eric) struggled because his father (Alan) was aloof. Alan never said “I love you” or offered praise. Eric felt that he was never good enough for his father and had low self-esteem as a result.

But in exploring his family history, Eric saw that Alan’s parents had favored his sibling. They told Alan that he was a disappointment and wouldn’t amount to anything. Alan learned to shut down to protect himself. With this context in mind, Eric could see that his father did the best he could and that his aloofness had nothing to do with him. He could let go of his need for Alan’s approval and build his confidence independent of that relationship.

This is immensely hard and healing work. If you are on this path, here are a few extra supports to consider:

1. Share this information with others.

Tell your loved ones and friends that when you get stressed, you tend to respond in a certain way. You know that it can hurt their feelings, and you are working actively on healing so that it happens less frequently in the future.

2. Offer yourself the comfort and safety you wish you had growing up.

The beautiful thing about adulthood is that you do not have to rely on others to have your needs met. It is time to give yourself all the things you feel you missed. If it is more physical love and affection, consider getting a pet or volunteering at an animal shelter. If it is acknowledgment and attention, treat yourself to some positive affirmations (You rocked that! Way to go!) or celebratory ice cream. If it is peace and calm, add soothing elements to your living space and routine, like taking baths or listening to instrumental music. All of these steps will signal to your nervous system that you are safe now.

3. Repair when things go poorly.

Everyone slips up. We’re human! We make mistakes.

So when your nervous system flares, instead of beating yourself up for it, reach out to the others involved and apologize. Let them voice how it made them feel (scared, stressed, alone, sad). Validate their feelings (feeling seen and heard will help them regulate their nervous systems), and then problem-solve together how to prevent the situation from happening in the future. Ending the conversation with a sense of learning helps put the experience in the past.

Stress Essential Reads

Why Do We Stress Ourselves Out Unnecessarily?

The Neuroscience of Uncertainty

We all have nervous systems. No one needs to feel shame or guilt for how theirs responds to stressful, unsafe situations.

Instead, we can learn about what’s going on and recognize when and why we are falling into unhealthy patterns. We can feel compassion for ourselves and others for doing our best to manage difficult times, and we can support our nervous systems through healing work and self-care. We can honor ourselves and our journeys, bringing love and strength into our lives.