Motherhood's Hidden Burden: Moral Injury

Multitasking mother, trying to do it all.

Source: evgenyataman/depositphotos

As a behavioral scientist dedicated to exploring the importance of fun in our lives, I've observed a compelling phenomenon that particularly affects busy moms: moral injury. My academic practicum was treating burnout in healthcare workers—a professional area more commonly associated with moral injury. However, moral injury can occur in any individual who feels tension to act against what they have been conditioned to believe. It can also occur when someone engages in activities that run counter to the normative social influence of how they were raised, or the normative behaviors of the groups they associate with in the present. When this type of moral injury occurs, feelings of guilt, shame, and a diminished sense of self-worth can take hold.

When I wrote my book The Fun Habit, I expected it to find a wide audience; modestly, the book has done just that. However, I have been really surprised by how one specific group has found it particularly useful: busy moms. From mothers sandwiched between caring for aging parents and growing children, to moms with an entrepreneurial spirit trying to manage a business while ensuring their family stays organized, it's become clear that being fun-starved is almost at epidemic proportions among moms. Making things worse, is that corrective action can often actually make moms feel even worse.

Understanding Moral Injury in the Context of Motherhood

In the moms I have worked with since The Fun Habit came out, I've come to realize that there is no typical day. There are several commonalities, however: She juggles countless tasks, from preparing meals and managing household chores to attending to her children's and partner's emotional and domestic needs, all while often holding down a job or working on a side hustle. Her internal narrative is clear: Her family's well-being is paramount, and anything less than complete dedication feels like a failure. This mindset creates a high-stakes environment where every action seems critical. Even self-care and leisure seem high stakes. "We can only take one vacation this year, so it has to be perfect." "I know I need to exercise, but the only time I can find to work out is before everyone wakes up, so I started getting up at 4:30 AM. I'm more tired now, but knowing I'm taking care of myself feels good." What a shame that the potential cure for burnout often actually leaves moms feeling worse.

When moms operate under the belief that they should subordinate any personal time to the needs of the family, the idea of taking time for themselves often feels selfish and irresponsible. Once this occurs, moral injury begins to take root.

Why Fun and Self-Care Can Seem Impossible

For many mothers, every aspect of parenting feels like it could have life-altering consequences. The pressure to get everything right, from making healthy meals to enrolling in the right extracurricular activities, can be overwhelming. Constant worry about the well-being of others often also makes daily tasks feel like a relentless pursuit of perfection, exacerbating stress and anxiety.

In this high-pressure environment, the concept of fun becomes almost alien over time. When every moment is consumed by the need to ensure their family's success, taking time for personal enjoyment can feel like a betrayal of their primary role. What I have witnessed is that even contemplating self-care can trigger feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Fun, in this context, is not just overlooked; it is actively avoided as a perceived indulgence that takes away from what is perceived as more critical responsibilities.

Breaking the Cycle of Guilt and Embracing Fun

So, how can busy moms start to overcome this barrier and reclaim their right to joy and self-care? Here are a few strategies:

1. Reframe Self-Care as a Necessity. In The Fun Habit, I call this type of reframing "story editing" because "reframing" has been so overused over the years that people often wrongfully view the practice as a way to trick your mind into believing something. What we are doing here is course-correcting the misinformation that fun will somehow get in the way of what you value. (If you need the science lesson that fun actually improves your ability to serve others, I invite you to explore the hedonic flexibility principle.) Understanding (and believing) that enjoying life is not a luxury, but a necessary step in maintaining good mental hygiene is the first step.
2. Set Realistic Expectations. Accept that perfection is unattainable and that it's okay that not everything will get done perfectly. For most, perfection is a time suck with little reward. Setting realistic expectations can help alleviate some of the self-imposed pressure and create space for moments of relaxation and enjoyment. You will be surprised how far a "good enough" attitude can get you.
3. Schedule Fun. Developing this habit is the number-one difference I've identified between adults who live a fun life and those who don't. Just as you would schedule a doctor's appointment or a parent-teacher conference, make time for activities that bring you joy. Whether it's your hobby, a workout, or simply a quiet moment with a book, prioritizing fun is crucial to our ability to rejuvenate and recharge.
4. Seek Support. Engage with other moms and support groups to share experiences and swap helpful strategies for balancing responsibilities with personal time. Building a trusted community can provide encouragement and remind you that you're not alone in your struggles. For instance, the way I discovered that The Fun Habit has been so impactful for busy moms is through the amount of positive feedback I have received from book clubs that focus on helping professional women. If you don't know where to start finding a group you might enjoy, you can try exploring local events via Meetup or Eventbrite.
5. Professional Guidance: Sometimes, the weight of moral injury may require professional support. Therapists and counselors can offer valuable tools and perspectives to help navigate these complex feelings and develop healthier coping mechanisms. There is honor in asking for help when you need it.

The psychological concept of moral injury provides a powerful lens through which anyone can better understand the internal conflicts busy moms face. Equipped with this understanding, the goal is that we all do better at supporting greater parity regarding every family member's ability to have fun and live the good life.